The Sound and the Fury

Had a doozie of an evening at the shop last night...

Every 2nd Wednesday during the summer -- from 5pm til 8pm -- the galleries in The Old Market take part in a gallery crawl that's sponsored by a local paper. I don't look forward to the event, mainly because the majority of the people who come out for it care very little about looking at art -- and lots more about getting free food and qualifying for a raffle at the end of the night if you hit a certain number of galleries.

Last night at about 5:05 -- the toilets in the restaurant above my shop must have imploded, because a shit ton (pun very much so intended) of water starting pouring down onto my desk and everything around it.

I got the situation (sort of) under control (looked insane -- there were garbage cans, buckets and vases everywhere) -- but it took them two hours to make the water stop flooding my space. There wasn't any serious damage, but my shop reeks and I think the carpet around my desk is going to be wet for days.

It was a super slow night (it's been super slow for weeks, but that's a whole other post...) and at about 7pm, I decided to listen to Obama's health care speech. Several people who'd come into the shop hunkered around my desk to listen, others just went on about their business, ate some grapes, looked at Wanda's work in the gallery. No biggie.....

.... til this woman came in at 7:20 and pitched a FULL BLOWN temper tantrum in my shop because I refused to turn the speech off.

She comes in and stops about 6' from my desk....

-- "Is that Obama?! Are you listening to Obama?!?"
-- "Yes, it's his speech on health care re..."
-- "Turn it off."
--"............................................. um, excuse me?"
-- "I said Turn. It. OFF!!!! I refuse to listen to that, I don't have to listen to it! This is a public place and you have to TURN IT OFF!"

I honestly sat there, stunned -- for a full minute.

-- "Ma'am, it's just a speech about health care reform...."
-- "And he is JUST A MAN!!!"
-- "............................um...... what?"
-- "He's just a man!!! I don't want to listen to him!!! I told you to turn it off!! You are alienating 1/2 of the people in here [sidenote: there were about 15 people in the gallery at this point, 6 of whom were watching the speech with me] You are offending 1/2 of your customers!! Who owns this place... where's your boss?"
-- "It's my gallery........."
-- [Looks me up and down] "Oh -- that figures. Listen I will not shop here as long as you're playing that. I REFUSE to buy anything as long as I CAN HEAR HIS VOICE!"
-- "Well then, ma'am, I suggest that you leave, because I'm not turning it off.

She storms off into the neighboring shop -- all the while ranting about how offensive the whole thing is... how she should not have to listen to the "that man" speak in a public place (???). I hear her in the shop next door yelling... "I can STILL hear him! I will not shop here either if I have to listen to that -- that woman next door is costing you business!!!"

The whole thing left me shaking mad. The entire debate over health care reform has left me so angry, sad, confused -- and quite honestly, ashamed of this country's behavior. I have watched coverage of the town halls, I have listened to all of the arguments against the bill ------ and it's all just left me fucking furious.

As a small business owner who recently had to decide between keeping my car and keeping my ridiculously expensive health insurance (the insurance won) -- it's infuriates me that people are behaving so childishly over an issue that is so insanely important.

I'll be the first to admit that when I worked for Time Inc. -- I never thought twice about health insurance. I just had it -- it was just there. I didn't even notice the money it took to pay for it missing from my checks. Once I got laid off, and witnessed the crazy ass joke that is COBRA -- having insurance, or not having it -- was all I could think about. I went without it for a year... then reality hit (I'm on the fast track to 40, would possibly like to have a child... and hello -- seeing the GYN once a year goes a long way towards lessening ones hypochondria) so I got my own coverage.

I've been paying for health insurance for just over a year now --- and it's anything but perfect. Getting approved was craziness (I was almost denied due to high cholesterol), and then every time I went to the doctor for the first six months (my "probationary period") -- I'd get this confusing letter about what they'd cover, which -- after my second visit was followed by a letter telling me that I had seen the doctor too often, and that they'd be formally reviewing my medical records. Because I made two office visits (which still cost me $50 a pop) in six months.

My rates have gone up three times in one year. I don't have dental. Or coverage for eye exams. And if something should happen to me, I would still have to pay thousands in deductibles.

When I asked about maternity coverage, I was told that I had to contact them when I was planning to get pregnant, and then switch to a more expensive coverage plan. If I got pregnant and then told them ---- I would not be able to get maternity coverage. Best yet, my pregnancy would only be covered if I managed to conceive and deliver my baby within one calendar year. Need more than three months to conceive? Better luck next year!

And I'm fortunate to have what I have.

The majority of people I know, don't have insurance. They never go to the doctor. When things hurt them -- they wait it out, fingers crossed, hoping they'll feel better in a couple of days.

The whole thing just breaks my heart into a billion pieces. And now ---- we have a President determined to make it better and the entire country erupts into chaos! People scream and break into fist fights, parents and schools refuse to let him speak to their children (I'm still fuming over that one), they call him a nazi -- a nazi (!!!) and full grown women put their fingers in their ears and throw tantrums at the very sound of his voice....

... and then Joe Wilson calls him a liar.... On. The. House. Floor.

What the fuck is going on here? Can someone fill me in, because I'm at a complete loss... the world is watching us, and our politicians have been reduced to whining, finger pointing bullies who use name calling to get their points across.

All of this over an attempt to secure the right of every one to be able to have access to medical care if they need it. Something that's a basic RIGHT to the majority of the world's people.

Really?

I've been thinking about that woman all day today... about the fact that there are millions more like her out there -- refusing to even hear the other side, just pissed off because someone told them they should be. I've been trying not to curse her, to wish all sort of bad, bad, horrible bad things on her and the people she loves - things that eat you up on the inside, things that she might not be able to afford fixing..... instead, I'm just hoping that she wakes up before it's too late....

... and is just willing to -- at the very least -- listen.

Done Deal!

.... Just a super quick post to share the great news!

The house is officially sold!

HOORAY!!!
HOORAY!!!
HOORAY!!!

Crossin' One Off the List

The past couple of weeks have been all about trying to remove some things from my life that have been stressing me out. "Stressing" is not actually the right word for what I've been doing lately... I think a good therapist would have several much more appropriate terms to use for what's been goin' down over here -- but "stressing" will do for now.

Sorry --- I digress. No. 2 on my list has been the house.

I've been getting about six phone calls and four letters A DAY regarding the house... it's completely overwhelming. No two people at the bank holding my mortgage seem to know what's up. I have faxed 100 sheets of paper, the same lists and worksheets and letters, to 100 different people (some of them twice!) and NO ONE seems to know what's up.

I've applied for assistance programs that I don't make enough money to qualify for... applied for short sale status TWICE and am still getting letters from the bank's lawyers telling me that I need to vacate the house because they're coming for it. The only thing making any of this bearable has been knowing that I'm not in it alone.

But, this month, things got a bit brighter.

I got the go-ahead for the short sale, which means I can sell the house for less than I owe the bank if they approve the amount. I was freaking out about having to pay the difference, but I don't have to... HUD does it. But, that difference becomes earned income for me... which I was also freaking out about because I'll be paying my taxes from last year for the next decade and can't take on more...

Then, my accountant told me about a miracle called The Mortgage Debt Relief Act of 2007 -- which, in a nutshell, says that you cannot be taxed on income earned through the foreclosure/short sale of your home. I CANNOT BEGIN to explain how huge this is!!!! I almost can't believe this is something the Bush administration created.... the only redeeming moment of the entire eight year run!

So, I've been feeling better about the house stuff... I'd long ago accepted the fact that my credit will be hosed forever... partially because of the house, mainly because of the business -- and I know that the majority of the sane general public considers this to be horrific... but I don't. The only thing that matters is that for the past few weeks, when I wake up in the middle of the night freaking out about things, the house has not been one of them.

And then, someone made an offer on the house.

Someone made an offer on the house..... that the bank accepted yesterday.

I met with Richard, my lovely, New Zealand-accented Realtor this morning and signed another 100 sheets of paper... he says that if things go according to plan that we could be all closed up before the end of the month. Like.... in weeks. WEEKS!!!!

I will not be breathing for the next several days until things come together a bit more solidly... the shit could still hit the ol' fan at this point, but Richard says that even if things go south with this seller, that we shouldn't have a problem selling quickly because we now know what the bank will accept for the house.... which I will visually interpret as this: $ --- only imagine it several times smaller.

I won't be making any money on the sale ----- but I don't care! Not one bit! I'll take my three-ish years of horrible credit and glorious CLOSURE and be on my merry way... thank you very much!

So please (pretty, pretty please)... if you have some spare time and empty hands over the next few days --- cross your fingers for me. I'll take crossed legs, toes and eyes, as well --- whatever works! Just please send some good thoughts my way....

For the first time in such a long, long time, I feel like I might be catching a much needed break.... and just the thought of it has had me smiling all day.

My Summer Vacation at The Iowa State Fair

Okay folks, I'll admit it... I was COMPLETELY unprepared for the Iowa State Fair. Somehow, I've managed to get through nearly 38 years of life without ever going to a state fair before... and now I wish I could go every weekend!

.... except that doing so would probably would lead to a life of hideous obesity and type 2 Diabetes. *sigh*

Sunday morning, Tim and I drove out to Des Moines (Paul Simon playing on repeat... I'd forgotten how much I love that album...) and ate our way through went to the Fair... and it was the best day I've had in ages! It was a perfect day to go -- gorgeous outside -- and I really loved everything about it!

We ogled all of the prize winning fruits and veggies... and stared, in slack jawed wonder at the super sized pumpkins and giant heads of cabbage.

We waited on line for 15 minutes to see the butter sculptures -- which were the highlight of my day!

buttery bliss

behold THE BUTTER COW!

... and then we ate a lil' somethin'

they called it a grinder, but it was really just a sloppy joe with cheese and peppers

We rode A ride (they were $5 a go -- insane!) that spun us around til we could barely see, walked through the crazy carnie game tents, and then ate a lil' somethin' else...

the lamb burger-- this one was all tim's
We looked in on the cows, pigs and sheep.... visited some amazing fancy chickens and rabbits -- and strange long eared goats. I bought a tote bag, which lists the top 10 things you can do at the fair... and one of them was, "You can LOOK at the animals, and then you can EAT the animals!" ... And they weren't kidding! Tim picked up that lamb burger right outside the land of sheep... which I found a wee bit creepy.

We spent an insane amount of time looking at jars of jams and pickled things. There were prize winning cookies, candies, pies and cakes on display, including this gem of a squirrel cake:

still not sure what sort of event this cake would be appropriate for...
And then we had a snack...

turkey legs and potato ribbons! smoky, fried and yummy!
... looked at some farm machinery, some quilts and the world's largest bull, before deciding to have a bit of dessert...

FUNNEL CAKE!! HOORAY!!
I'll admit that there were things about the Fair that bugged me a bit... the only veggies to eat there were so fried they looked more like donuts than vegetables. It felt VERY corporately sponsored/funded -- all about soybeans and the wonder of corn. This was the part I really disliked about the whole thing... it wasn't really about little farmers at all -- more about big business farming -- which made me sad. I got angry when we saw this display about "What Cow's Eat" and corn was at the top of the list (grass towards the bottom...). I hope that one day, that focus can change ---- and not just because I've become (quite literally) obsessed with the farm to table movement, but because the State Fair should celebrate real farms... not only the farm-like factories.

This concludes the food rant portion of this evening program, we now return you to our regularly scheduled presentation of "State Fair Euphoria"...

We spent six hours out there -- eating, people watching (stellar!) and celebrating all things farm-ish. I honestly had the best day I've had in ages. My only regrets:
a) We didn't save room for deep fried oreos on a stick (Oh. My. GAWD!).
b) We had to leave before Journey and Heart took the stage in the bandstand.

Otherwise, the day was all I needed it to be... one spent sharing tons of laughs and speared foods with the man that I adore.

Perfection.




Lots of love and Pickle Dawgs..... xo!

Tie-Tie

I swear to god, this past week was six months long. I feel like I've been going nonstop for days... and days... and days. Make that years -- just over 1 1/2 to be exact...

... and I'm tired.

I spent the week flipping the space for the next show in the gallery -- two days of packing up art, spackeling walls, painting the gallery, two days hanging the new stuff... seven days of running errands when I'm not at the shop, which is really tough to do when you have to be in one place from 10am-9pm. Lots to do... and I got it done. Not only that, but I got it done WELL. The shop/gallery looks gorgeous...

Last night, my good friend Wanda Ewing's exhibit opened at Pulp... and it is an *amazing* show. I'm not just saying that because I love her --- the work is great. The opening was jam packed from 7pm til 10:45pm -- tons and tons of people. Went through four cases of wine... the conversations were wonderful... Wanda had a blast... it was a pretty perfect night.

Til it ended, and I did the drawer for the day -- and realized that I made less than I do on a normal Friday... when a fraction of people come through the space. I didn't make enough to pay for the postcards for the show... let alone the wine ---- or um, rent for next month.

Opening nights usually put a HUGE dent in the rent -- but since I've moved downtown, that's just not happening, because sales on these nights have stayed about the same as they were in Benson. But my expenses are almost twice as high. People are still coming, but they're not really buying artwork, or books, or cards or -- anything. Just drinking... a lot. Perhaps the recession has finally caught up with folks here in Omaha?

I don't know.

What I do know is that rent is due super soon, and I have to hustle (hustle = the process by which I somehow manage to [beg, borrow, will into being] come up with an insane amount of money each month when there's nothing in the bank) my ass off to get it together. Again....

... and I'm tired.

People keep telling me how much they love the shop, what I'm doing with the gallery -- how great this all is for the arts, the community. But for the first time since I opened Pulp, I find myself spending more and more time wondering just how good all of this is for me. And in the middle of the night, when I can't sleep because I'm thinking about the hustlin' I have to do, not to get ahead -- oh no, it's not about getting ahead anymore -- it's about hangin' on -- I'm realizing that it's not very good for me, at all.

There's more to say about that.... but I don't feel like sayin' it. Not tonight...

Tonight, I'm closing up in a bit, going to Buvette for a good supper, some laughs and (several) glasses of wine.

Tonight, I'm looking forward to getting home at 1am and watching the LAST EPISODE of Battlestar Galactica with Tim, despite the fact that I'll barely be able to keep my eyes open.

Tonight -- I'm not thinking about the hustle. Instead, I'm gonna think about my road trip with Tim tomorrow. We're waking up early and heading to Des Moines for the Iowa State Fair (hooray!) --- and I cannot wait to visit THE BUTTER COW, eat a funnel cake and various foods on sticks and look at prize winning pies!

I'm giving myself a (well deserved, if I must say so myself) two day vacay. .... the hustle, and all the hell that comes with it, can just wait til Tuesday...

Because I'm tired, folks. So, so tired.

Saturday Randomness: Food Porn, Farm to Table Livin', Ferris Bueller and the Congo Free State

It is H.O.T. in Omaha today ---- a sticky 98... which means that all of the sane people are inside air conditioned spaces or sitting next to large bodies of water --- which means that NO ONE is shopping or looking at art or um, pretty much anything else that would require you to go outside and move. It's been super quiet at the shop (actually, it's been quiet all week...) and I've spent the past 5 1/2 hours sitting at my desk thinking about the 1,000,000,000,000 other things I could be doing today instead of being here alone clicking through every page of the NY Times' website.

*sigh*

So I thought I'd take a minute to check in and share some random thoughts -- which I haven't done in a LONG time because I've been, um, obsessing over a few other little things.

First off ---- I wanted to share a little food porn with you! I've been reading Aran Goyoaga's amazing dessert blog, cannelle et vanille, for months now and am more than a little bit in love with her. She just launched a site dedicated to her photography --- and it's so, so, very beautiful: http://www.arangoyoaga.com.

This morning, I realized that I haven't baked anything in FOREVER -- which is really just insane. I need to get my ass back into the kitchen this month. Now that I think about it, I haven't really done anything I love to do in ages... no sewing or cooking or traveling. I have not been having very much fun this year --- and that needs to change. Pronto.

Speaking of kitchens ----- I've spent the past week working on the one at the apartment and it's just about done! I fixed up the floor (the old linoleum was a cracked, burned mess) with leftover tiles from the Benson shop and painted it a crazy ass shade of 70s-inspired yellow that DOES NOT lend itself well to fluorescent lighting. Oh my god! I'm all about being as green as possible --- but I had to swap out the bulbs in the kitchen because the walls were making me feel (quite literally) nauseous.

I just realized that I haven't told you guys anything about the new apartment! It's wonderful! I'll post some photos once it's not just a maze of boxes... but I really love it. The rooms are starting to come together and it feels more like home every day.

Living with Tim full time has been great... altho, I will admit that he's not the tidiest of people -- which makes me batshit a wee bit crazy sometimes. We have completely different tastes when it comes to decorating -- but I'm trying to compromise. I got a yellow kitchen (a color he pretty much hates) and he's getting a navy blue (navy blue? really?!) dining room. He claims to have seen one in a movie called Le Cercle Rouge -- which I haven't seen.... but one that he's dead set on recreating. I'm thinking that if I can mix in some yellow accents to tie it back to the kitchen that it will work.

Something kinda like this:
I dunno ----- I'll keep you posted and will upload some shots of the space soon. Promise.

What else ....

Tonight's the opening party for my friend Elle's Empty Room project -- Clean Plate. She's going to running a farm to table restaurant for the next month -- and I'm so very excited about it (you can learn a bit more about it here). Tim and some friends will be playing music at the event tonight -- it should be a great time. I'm really loving all of the focus on slow foods and eating locally... it's something I've been interested in for some time now and I'm really happy that Elle's creating a space where people can learn more and see how feasible it is to just live this way.

Last week --- this older man came into the shop and struck up a conversation with me.... his name is Erick and he lives on a farm in western Iowa -- about 2 hours from here. We had the best conversation about eating locally and farm life -- I learned a ton from him. The next day -- he came back and gave me a cotton bag full of the most beautiful reddish-purple carrots (I'd never seen anything like them before). They were *amazing*... he invited Tim & I up to his farm -- I'm hoping to get out there before the Fall.

A few other random bits....

• While clicking away at The Times this morning -- I found this op-ed piece, which really hit home for me and I wanted to share it: "For the Time Being".

• I still cannot believe John Hughes died this week... his movies were such a huge part of my teenage life -- it just blew me away. I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday, but I can quote damn near every line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

• I hate to admit it -- but I've been feeling a little obsessed with the story of Diane Schuler and the horrible accident that happened in NYC last month. It creeps into my head in the middle of the night and is still boggling my brain... I just can't wrap my head around it all.

• I've also been a bit obsessed with this site. If you click on the search button without putting data into the box, it brings up 70-some pages of AMAZING photographs... which then led to an obsession with The Congo Free State -- something I (honestly) never even knew about. WHICH -- has got me thinking a lot about just how little I know about the world after nearly 20 years of catholic school history classes.

Okay ------ that might do it for today. I have two more hours to go --- and I should probably clean/organize/rearrange something with that time. Maybe?

Catch ya next week.............................. xo!

Buked and Scorned

Please excuse me for stating what may be painfully obvious, but I've been having a REALLY tough year.

It's been a solid seven months of transition and loss (so much loss) and every time I've reached the point where I thought things were finally coming together, it all just falls to pieces again.

I've moved the store, I've moved myself, I've lost my house, all the money and dreams I invested in it -- gone. The shop computer crashed, I had my ass handed to me by the IRS and I've managed to piss off every financial-based entity in my life, from the gas company right on up the line to the complete idiots fine folks at Wells Fargo who hold the mortgage to my house. I've had to give away or sell off pretty much everything I own over the past two months -- condensing my entire life down to the bare bones.

And a couple of weeks ago -- I lost the gallery space next to Pulp.

Yup. After emailing 1000 people (literally) to tell them about the launch of mcQueen contemporary art + projects, after scheming like mad to get the money together to build it out, after hiring a contractor and booking several artists to show in the space -- I received a bit of info from my landlord which made it impossible for me to hold onto the space. I had to give it up ---- and it was promptly leased to someone else.

I'd rather not get into the details here ---- but in a nutshell I was made aware of some expenses associated with my leasing the spaces (after being here for four months without a mention of them) which basically caused my rent to become DOUBLE what it was in Benson. Double.

I, quite obviously, (please see the multitude of proof above) cannot afford that.

I've spent the past two weeks being bitter ...... and ANGRY. About everything. All of it. The entire fucking year. Everything I've worked so hard for over the past several years feels like it's turned against me. Everything I wanted and wished for -- all of it's either fallen to shit or has become an albatross around my neck...... and I am sick to death of every last bit of it.

I'm tired, guys.... so tired.

But I'm not lying down --- I won't. Because for all the bad shit that's gone down over the past seven months --- there's some glimmers of goodness in there too.

It's time for me to get up and go. I have things to do and it would be a crime to let the things standing in my way keep me from accomplishing them. The next few weeks are going to be ugly ones --- I have some nasty decisions to make/things to do which I'm hoping will get my finances back on track a bit by the end of next month. I've got a bit more loss to wade through... but I'm up for it now.

And, I promise to start writing again. I think that I've been avoiding the blog because I'm sick of thinking about all the crap on my plate. Hiding the dirty dish doesn't make it disappear --- you can still smell it, trust me. The only way to deal with it --- is to clean it up. And that's what I need to do.

I woke up this morning with an old spiritual playing in my head -- and it's been in there all day long:

I've been buked and I've been scorned,
I've been buked and I've been scorned,
Children, I've been buked and I've been scorned,
Tryin' to make this journey all alone

You may talk about me sure as you please
Talk about me sure as you please
Children, talk about me sure as you please
Your talk will never drive me down to my knees
Thinking about the lyrics made me realize...... for all of the losses that have come my way this year, I'm still hustlin' -- still trying to make it happen. On. My. Own. And that ---- counts for a shit ton o' somethin'.

I'm still here. I still have Pulp. I still have amazing friends and family who love me and would do anything to support me -- even when my goals are all pie in the sky. I have Tim... with his giant heart and all his understanding and overwhelming love. I have lots. Tons. And I wouldn't trade one of these things for the house or the car or the gallery or all the lost money in a million years.

It may have taken me seven months to get it -- but the light bulb clicked on this morning and it's brightness is blindingly brilliant:

Altho I may have lost just about everything that I ever wanted.... I still have everything I NEED.

And in the end, that's all that really matters.