A Shitty, Shitty Sunday......

This weekend with the play was an odd one of extremes...

Saturday's performance was *amazing* -- I believe it was a full house -- or damn near close to it -- and everything was right on. I was super excited because my "Omaha Mom and Aunt" -- Katy's mom, Joanie and Aunt Shirley came to see it -- along with Katy and her husband, Tim. I was really happy/proud that Tim came ... it seems as tho most of the men in my life are not going to see the show -- which is a chat for another post, I think. Anyways --- Saturday was brilliant. Our Stage Manager, Amy, who is tinier than me -- came backstage at intermission and picked me up -- she was so proud. I had FUN on Saturday... from the get go! A first!

Then came Sunday. Sunday's show was also sold out -- but the majority of the seats were filled with students from Metro Community College -- where the Director, Susann, is a Dean. She'd given me a chat before the show -- about how the crowd would be different than other nights... which was obvious right off the bat. They talked pretty much through the entire show -- sometimes making comments that were just odd & rude. You can hear everything the audience says from the stage. The whole show just felt off....

And then we had to do the sculpture scene.

The gist of the scene is that it opens with me sitting on a wooden box, under a light, wearing a sheet wrapped around my waist and not much else. I'm in profile to the audience... it's a beautiful, telling scene, but it is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life EVERY time I have to do it. I'm not getting used to it -- I'm not feeling comfy with it. Someone has to hold my hand and tell me to breath up until the minute I go out -- and taking those four steps from the wing of that stage to the box require every ounce of strength and faith and courage that I have in me. Every time.

On Sunday, when the light came up on me... someone in the audience said, loudly, "What the fuck"..... and laughed.

............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Yeah.

Okay. I know that it was just some silly boy who was embarrassed or something about what he was seeing. Maybe they were the first set he'd seen in real life ... or something? Maybe? He was a just a stupid, rude boy. Rationally -- I know this. But it shook me to my core. I felt completely exposed and aware of myself -- BEYOND terrified. I cannot explain it. I don't have the right words.

I got through the scene. I got through the talk back session after the play -- during which Susann explained a thing or two about what their behavior did to the performance in a manner which left them wide-eyed and speechless (I officially love this woman). I made it through all that before I started crying... and then... I went home and threw up for ummmm....... 36 hours straight. I couldn't get out of bed yesterday... I couldn't keep water in my stomach -- it was HORRIBLE. It was the worst anxiety attack I've ever had.... times a million.

I'm better today. My whole body aches like I was beat with a stick, but I'm better. I know that what happened on Sunday won't happen again ... but I'm still feeling off and worried about going back to the theater on Thursday. Thinking about doing that scene again makes me shake.

I do see the goodness in it. I made it through the scene.... which is HUGE. When I heard that boy laugh, everything in me wanted to get up and run -- fuckin' flee... but I planted my feet and kept my head back and said my lines and finished it. For me.... that's beyond huge.

For me..... that's damn near miraculous.

I'm proud of that. I'm still freaked out about going back.... but I know that I can't let what happened get in the way of what this play is doing for me. It's bigger than that boy... it's greater than his rudeness.

I'm just not sure what to do with this new batch of fear I feel. I need to find a place for it before Thursday night.... and I have no clue how to make that happen.