A Circus of Sheer Brilliance

I've been having the most amazing, enlightening, somewhat overwhelming run of days lately.

The only way I can really explain it is that it sorta feels like I'm being bitch-slapped by Life, and ummm... I'm kinda lovin' it.

The past few weeks just feel like they've been packed with signs -- things keep happening that have been making me question everything -- making me aware of things I had forgotten, making me see things I couldn't see before... even though they were right in front of me all the time. I feel almost hyper-aware, awake... and really, really happy.

I feel like it all started after the angry bee weekend... since then, I've developed this really amazing relationship/friendship with a man that I adore. It's complicated, but despite some serious physical attraction, we're connecting on a completely non-physical level... we have these great big LONG conversations about everything -- I mean, everything and I'm finding a satisfaction in that that is better than any physical relationship I've ever had. In my life. Ever.

My time with this man has made me look at the way I approach romantic relationships -- I've realized that I have a tendency to quickly connect with my lovers on a (rather intense) physical level -- and THEN attempt to connect in other ways -- emotionally, spiritually, whatever. What these weeks have helped me see is how completely backwards that is. Okay -- I can hear you saying "Duh" from here --- but, honestly, it blew me away. I've realized that I've never really ever connected with anyone I've ever been with like this... I've always been able to connect physically -- the touching, kissing and fucking is always amazing, but I've never really KNOWN them in the ways that matter. That won't happen again.

While all of this was going on, I got a visit from a friend of mine this week whose father had just died. He came to the shop and we ended up sitting on the floor, holding hands and weeping while he remembered/missed/celebrated his father.

We sat on the floor and we cried and we talked about LIVING.

And as he spoke to me -- I suddenly felt like I understood it all -- like... these are things I know... life is short and blah blah blah whatever ------ but I felt like he was translating everything... like I've heard all this stuff before, but I didn't understand it til that moment. And before he left -- we hold each other and he thanked me for listening because he needed to speak.... and I thanked him for speaking because I needed to HEAR.

This week -- I was also asked to sit on a selection committee for the Kent Bellows Foundation... I helped them select the students whom will be involved in their educational programs for this semester and it was HUGE for me. First off -- it was an immense honor to be asked to sit on the jury, and I was changing lives -- these classes will change these kids forever -- and I was a part of that and the feeling was enormous... I'm still floating from it.

Then -- on Thursday, I go dancing with my friends at loom and end up spending am amazing evening dancing all night with this guy that I've always seen about town -- but don't really know. It was his first time going there -- it was my first time going, as well. There were all these men standing around the dance floor -- and I knew this group of guys was watching/talking about me... tall, built, super polished men hovering around me all night -- but none of them would speak to me. And out of nowhere -- this thin, conservatively dressed guy with glasses comes up and says, "I would really like to dance with you -- would you like to dance with me?" --- and it's ON. I couldn't believe he had the balls to ask me to dance -- and then dance WITH me -- just hands and sweat and ugh! We held it down out there... I had the best time. And if I see him again, that will be wonderful -- but if he doesn't come 'round -- it's okay, because it was about the moment. The moment mattered!

On Friday --- I have to give a speech to about 25 people who work at Bozell about arts & culture in Omaha -- which had been freaking me out for weeks. It went *wonderfully* I sat on the edge of my desk and just talked my way through it... easy breezy and they loved it!

And then there's this!!

The bakery around the corner from my shop closed this week. It's been the neighborhood bakery for over 60 years -- but it had only been open for a few months this go 'round -- just wasn't a good fit for the woman who owned it... but I think, I really, really think, it might be a great fit for me.

I have ALWAYS wanted a bake shop -- I find a joy in making food for people that is like nothing else. I'm good at it -- hell, I'm really good at it. I want this space so bad I can taste it... literally. It tastes like lemon tarts and chocolate cupcakes and eclairs and carrot cake and apple pie and oatmeal cookies. It tastes like hearty soups and stews and chunks of warm bread. It tastes a little like love.

Running it would be kinda crazy... I don't want to shut the gallery -- so I would be doing both, which would require a lot of staff at the bakery and some extra help at the gallery. I wouldn't open at the crack of dawn -- it would be more of a late day/night spot... so I would bake from about 5am til noon -- and then float the rest of the day between the two spaces -- which are basically across the street from each other. It would be a lot of work -- but doable. Completely doable.

I love Pulp --- but sitting here for 8 hours a day is starting to wear on me a bit -- I need to be DOing more with my time -- granted, this might be more DOing than I need -- but it would be based around something I honestly love.

I just don't know how to make this happen. I don't have the money to take it on. I have the time and commitment and will to make it work -- but the money, ummmm -- nope. People keep telling me it can't work. But I'm starting to think that the people who are telling me that are saying it because they're scared it actually will fuckin' work.

I just don't know.

I don't know -- but it's all I can think about. I see it in my sleep.

My mother tells me to pray on it -- to look for a sign about what I should do ... but I feel like my world is full of signs right now and I can't make sense of ANY of them. All this week -- I've been buzzing... I feel like I have all of this new amazing knowledge about myself and this life, the tricky bit is --- I don't know what to DO with it all. I'm just trying to be open to it all.... to have patience and let these moments happen.

But it's hard.

So -- yeah.... if anyone has any thoughts, opinions, advice about the bakery or ummmm.... $40,000 they'd like to send my way, I would really welcome it all right now. You know more about me than anyone... so please let me now what you think.

In the mean time ---- I'm going to keep rolling around in this "circus of sheer brilliance"* that happens to be my life.

*This is a quote from one of the student essays I had to read for the Kent Bellows program -- the applicants had to write about art in their lives, and this line just seemed to sum up my whole world right now.