Seething

I don't get angry. Not really.... ever. I'm prone to a once a year balls out fit of fury which I'm usually able to work out by spending 30 minutes playing on the swings at the park -- or, if that fails, with a pint of some sort of chocolate-based ice cream goodness. But I'm never angry for long -- it's just not me.

There's massive amounts of bullshit involved with my moving the shop downtown that's causing me to feel angry pretty much all the time these days, and it's really starting to break me down. It's gotten to the point where just BEING in my current shop makes me feel furious. I just want to take a sledge hammer to the walls and floor every time I walk in the door...... I'm full of piss & vinegar these days -- and I hate it.

I touched on this in an earlier post --- but in a nutshell, it is my opinion that my current landlord is a horrible, heartless person. I think I signed a lease, that in hindsight, I probably should not have signed -- and these people are workin' it and making me pay through the nose to get out of here.

It's a nightmare.

When I took possession of this storefront, it looked like this:

These days, it looks like this:



Everytime someone new walks in the door, they tell me how beautiful this store is. And I have paid -- or am about to pay for everything that happened to bring it to this point. I have put thousands and thousands of dollars and countless hours of manual labor into this space. I cleaned it, I bought and laid every tile on the floor, I finished the drywall, the ceiling, the lights, the paint --- every bit of it, I made it happen.

There were a few things that needed to be done in the space that I couldn't do myself -- like building 12 feet high walls of drywall and installing the ceiling, building a wall to hide the furnace... things that had to happen so I could move in -- not things to make it prettier -- but things that should have been done ages ago. The property managers paid to have that work done -- and I've been paying them back for it ever since.

Now ---- in order for me to leave this space and move downtown so my business can not just grow, but survive, I have to pay them back THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of dollars to finish paying off the work I needed to have done to the space so that it could open in the first place.

It's horrible and feels unfair and is breaking my heart -- but it's all completely legal (believe me, my lovely lawyer's been all over the lease). In a nutshell -- I should not have signed the lease. But, I really wanted this space, really wanted Pulp to be... and I wasn't expecting there to be NO foot traffic in this neighborhood, or to land a spot in the Old Market a year after I opened -- I've learned my lesson, but it's costing me (quite literally)everything I have. Actually -- that's a lie, since I currently only have a fraction of what I have to give them before I can leave them with this beautiful ready to rent space.

I asked the property manager if I could work out some sort of payment arrangement with the owner ----- I'm not even fighting them about paying it back, just asking for a bit of time to make it happen. I was told that the owner feels he's been "gracious" enough by adding the clause to my lease which is allowing me to leave after a year. Gracious. Really?!??!? So --- not only do I have to pay them a fucking ridiculous amount of money -- I have five weeks to do it in. Meanwhile ---- I need to come up with a bit of fundage so that I can actually improve and move into the new space. It's craziness.

I honestly hate them. I loathe the entire lot of them -- and this store, and the feeling is all consuming.

I am trying SO very hard to focus on the good in this.... my shop will soon be in an amazing neighborhood, I'll have customers and company and the potential to be profitable. I'm still here -- and making money in an economy that's killing small businesses left and right. And -- most importantly.... I am surrounded by a community that supports what I'm trying to do here and has been generous beyond my wildest hopes.

I'm having a fund raiser next month to try and put a dent in what I owe. I reached out to all the artists I know and asked them to donate a piece of work -- which I will sell during a huge $100 art sale on March 19th. The response from the arts community has completely blown my mind. I have over 30 people willing to give me work, some giving me more than one piece ---- including work from artists I barely know who heard about what's happening and contacted ME about helping out.

The same night -- after the sale -- my friend Jim is letting me use his club across the street, The Waiting Room Lounge, to host a Soul Review dance party. Tim and my friend Tim McEvoy are going to spin old school soul music all night long, my friends Rob & Rene - who own Dixie Quicks - are going to make some food to sell, and I think I can get enough ladies to bake so that there can be a bit of a bake sale too. The event will cost $5/$7 to get in and I'll get to keep most of the money made at the door... it's not going to pay off what they're asking for, but at this point, every little bit is a huge help.

I'm gonna call the event (he)Art & Soul: A Funky Lil' Fundraiser for PULP... it works because of the art and soul music bit --- but I picked it because that's really what I've put into this space... and --- maybe even most importantly -- what I refuse to let the assholes who own it take away from me.

*grin* I think just writing that last bit made me feel a little bit better. I really just need to hunker down and get through this month.... it's all going to be all right. I've faced bigger challenges than this ---- they just may not have hurt so badly.

I just have to find something to do with all this anger so that I can stand to be at work for the next month. I know that sounds silly, folks, sadly -- it feels anything but.

Maybe I should make hittin' the park and playing on the swings a mandatory part of my morning routine for a few weeks....... that, or I could just start living at the e-Creamery.

mmmmmmmmmm................. yeah, I'll stick with the swingin'.