A Few (F*cked Up) Financial Facts o' Life

Let's have a show of hands, folks...

Ever have one of those days (or, um weeks? months?) where you kinda feel like life's just bitch slappin' your ass all over the place? If you could see me right now, you'd find me jumping up and down with both hands in the air.... the past few weeks have been T.O.U.G.H. ones for me.... and sadly, for lots of other friends near and far who seem to be struggling through their own barrage of life blows.

I've basically just spent the past couple of weeks trying like hell to get my finances straight after having the shop closed for the three weeks it took to build out the new space and move. Those weeks that I was down meant that I basically had an income of ZERO for about a month --- which fucked my shit up. Royally.

I've been living on the generosity of the people who love me... if it wasn't for Tim, I wouldn't be eating. Actually, if it wasn't for Tim -- I wouldn't be doing a lot of things, like um... coping. I need things to get right -- like, right now. I owe way too many kind people money, which just makes me feel frantic all the time. I've always been able to take care of myself, so this bit of money madness is hitting me hard.

Things are getting better, just super slowly. The shop is doing SO well downtown -- I've got a steady flow of customers, and am actually making money everyday, which was not really the case out in Benson. The wrench in my works right now is that I need to raise some serious cash -- above and beyond what I need to just exist -- so that I can start construction on the new gallery space. I have shows booked starting in July -- which is RIGHT around the corner. I can't host another fundraiser, because this community just finished saving my ass -- so I spend my days brainstorming on ways to raise what I need, but as of yet, I'm at a complete loss.

I'm trying to have faith that it will all come together ----- I just don't have a clue how that's going to happen.

In other (not so great) news... I put my house on the market last week.

I think this has been what's been bringing me down more than anything. I LOVE my home... I bought that house all by myself, and it was a huge (giant, massive) accomplishment for me. So many wonderful things have happened there, it's where I've spent my days surrounded by friends... it's where I wanted to raise my family. It sounds silly, but since I made the decision (a.k.a faced the fact that I simply cannot afford it) to sell it --- I honestly feel like I've been in some strange state of mourning. That sounds so silly to say, but it's true.

I cannot keep it. And, if I'm being 100% honest with myself -- I probably should have sold it when I opened the business. I've been hustling my ass off to hold it all together for the past year. Been pretty much paying two mortgages, two sets of utility bills, two sets of everything on a fraction of the money I was making when this whole thing got started. Insane.

I've thought about getting roommates -- but really, I don't want to live with a house full of people at this point in my life. And -- even with them -- I still wouldn't be able to afford to fix it up -- hell, I can barely afford to heat it! And --- the worst bit is... since the shop opened, all I really get to do there is sleep. I'm never there... keeping it makes no sense at all.

But even though I know that ---- leaving it still makes something in my heart ache.

These days, I spend my time being ridiculously depressed about having to let it go --- and panicking that it might not sell. It's got some issues... it's old and doesn't have central air (which seems like a silly little thing, but apparently, in Omaha, it's not for most people). I saw the glory in that old space --- but others may not and in all honestly, I can't afford -- financially, but even more so, emotionally -- to have it sit on the market for months on end. I hate the whole process... I loathe the sign in the yard, I hate knowing that people walk through it every day. I hate the whole big, ugly thing.

Things have been sucking, my friends... and I know I should have called several of you with these bits of info -- but I haven't really been wanting to talk about it. I'm working on getting over that. Promise.

There some glimmery, golden bits in all of this. In an odd way, I'm kind of excited about purging a bit -- getting rid of all the things I don't really need -- and starting over someplace. I'm excited about not having to hustle so hard every month, about being able to survive on what I make at the shop.... about maybe having some money left over to travel or um... feed myself *grin*.

There are good things happening and I'm trying super hard to focus on them and feel better about all of this. But it's tricky. I figure writing about it is one giant step towards getting all healed up -- right? Right.

Besides, the next week is going to be so insane that I won't have time to wallow. My sister gets into town on Saturday and is here til Tuesday. Wednesday -- I have my first Old Market Gallery Crawl to get through, after which I need to take the current show down -- pack it up and the repaint the gallery. Thursday, I have to hang the next show, for which I'm hosting a private preview for that evening. Friday -- the regular opening... and Saturday I get to meet Tim's entire extended family for the first time at his mother's/brother's day-long graduation ceremony/celebration.

Sometimes, being so busy that you don't have time to breath is a good thing.