Buked and Scorned

Please excuse me for stating what may be painfully obvious, but I've been having a REALLY tough year.

It's been a solid seven months of transition and loss (so much loss) and every time I've reached the point where I thought things were finally coming together, it all just falls to pieces again.

I've moved the store, I've moved myself, I've lost my house, all the money and dreams I invested in it -- gone. The shop computer crashed, I had my ass handed to me by the IRS and I've managed to piss off every financial-based entity in my life, from the gas company right on up the line to the complete idiots fine folks at Wells Fargo who hold the mortgage to my house. I've had to give away or sell off pretty much everything I own over the past two months -- condensing my entire life down to the bare bones.

And a couple of weeks ago -- I lost the gallery space next to Pulp.

Yup. After emailing 1000 people (literally) to tell them about the launch of mcQueen contemporary art + projects, after scheming like mad to get the money together to build it out, after hiring a contractor and booking several artists to show in the space -- I received a bit of info from my landlord which made it impossible for me to hold onto the space. I had to give it up ---- and it was promptly leased to someone else.

I'd rather not get into the details here ---- but in a nutshell I was made aware of some expenses associated with my leasing the spaces (after being here for four months without a mention of them) which basically caused my rent to become DOUBLE what it was in Benson. Double.

I, quite obviously, (please see the multitude of proof above) cannot afford that.

I've spent the past two weeks being bitter ...... and ANGRY. About everything. All of it. The entire fucking year. Everything I've worked so hard for over the past several years feels like it's turned against me. Everything I wanted and wished for -- all of it's either fallen to shit or has become an albatross around my neck...... and I am sick to death of every last bit of it.

I'm tired, guys.... so tired.

But I'm not lying down --- I won't. Because for all the bad shit that's gone down over the past seven months --- there's some glimmers of goodness in there too.

It's time for me to get up and go. I have things to do and it would be a crime to let the things standing in my way keep me from accomplishing them. The next few weeks are going to be ugly ones --- I have some nasty decisions to make/things to do which I'm hoping will get my finances back on track a bit by the end of next month. I've got a bit more loss to wade through... but I'm up for it now.

And, I promise to start writing again. I think that I've been avoiding the blog because I'm sick of thinking about all the crap on my plate. Hiding the dirty dish doesn't make it disappear --- you can still smell it, trust me. The only way to deal with it --- is to clean it up. And that's what I need to do.

I woke up this morning with an old spiritual playing in my head -- and it's been in there all day long:

I've been buked and I've been scorned,
I've been buked and I've been scorned,
Children, I've been buked and I've been scorned,
Tryin' to make this journey all alone

You may talk about me sure as you please
Talk about me sure as you please
Children, talk about me sure as you please
Your talk will never drive me down to my knees
Thinking about the lyrics made me realize...... for all of the losses that have come my way this year, I'm still hustlin' -- still trying to make it happen. On. My. Own. And that ---- counts for a shit ton o' somethin'.

I'm still here. I still have Pulp. I still have amazing friends and family who love me and would do anything to support me -- even when my goals are all pie in the sky. I have Tim... with his giant heart and all his understanding and overwhelming love. I have lots. Tons. And I wouldn't trade one of these things for the house or the car or the gallery or all the lost money in a million years.

It may have taken me seven months to get it -- but the light bulb clicked on this morning and it's brightness is blindingly brilliant:

Altho I may have lost just about everything that I ever wanted.... I still have everything I NEED.

And in the end, that's all that really matters.