The Rainbow Connection

Yesterday, I turned 39.

Thirty. Nine.

I love birthdays -- like love, love, LOVE them -- but yesterday when I woke up, I was one bummed out birthday girl. I was feeling funky from the get go, just had a bad-ass case of the blahs that I couldn't shake. At one point I was downright weepy... which is when Tim (who was celebrating his birthday, too) finally asked what the hell was up... and without hesitating, I replied:

"I feel............... old."

And -- almost magically, the moment I put words to it -- the feelings vanished. Old? Really? What does that even mean? I was exactly the same person I was 24 hours before (except that I now owned a lovely caribbean teal Le Creuset casserole set [!!!]) -- nothing had changed... so why was I freaking out? Then I realized what it was --- there's so much I haven't done... so much I thought I would have accomplished by the time I had to say that I was 39 years old.

I should have my Masters, I should exercise, I should have a house, I should go to the theater and make donations to organizations I love. I should be able to wear the jeans I bought when I was 37, I should be traveling, I should speak another language. I should own something, I should have a savings account, I should own stocks -- or something stock-like, I should be volunteering my time, I should have a career -- or at least a car. I should be a mom.

I should be getting ready to begin my third year of running a fabulously successful gallery in Omaha, Nebraska.

But I'm not. And that's okay. Because I can still do those things if I want to. My thirty's are coming to an end -- not my life. Birthdays are a great opportunity to take stock and make adjustments...... and I've some major adjustments to make next year. I've got work to do.

Once I got that straight in my head -- and I had an impromptu dance party in my apartment, listening to my theme song on repeat -- I was ready to get back to the business at hand.... celebrating.

Tim and I had a *wonderful* birthday party last night. I broke out the balloons and streamers, baked two cakes, put on my party dress and celebrated the year to come with a whole lotta people I love. The apartment was P.A.C.K.E.D and everyone had the best time... the last guest left at 4am -- we just ate & drank champagne & danced. It was a perfect night.

This past year's been hard on me ------- I don't need to add to that by being hard on myself -- know what I mean? I've made a lot of mistakes in the past 38 years, but I've also accomplished a thing or two... and (hopefully) there are many more of each to come.

I've made a list of thirty-nine things to do by forty -- but I'm keeping this one to myself this time. There are some biggies on it. I'll publish it in 365 days and we'll review the year together....

.... and, if the rest of it is 1/2 as great as how it got started last night --- it's gonna be STELLAR.