The Rainbow Connection

Yesterday, I turned 39.

Thirty. Nine.

I love birthdays -- like love, love, LOVE them -- but yesterday when I woke up, I was one bummed out birthday girl. I was feeling funky from the get go, just had a bad-ass case of the blahs that I couldn't shake. At one point I was downright weepy... which is when Tim (who was celebrating his birthday, too) finally asked what the hell was up... and without hesitating, I replied:

"I feel............... old."

And -- almost magically, the moment I put words to it -- the feelings vanished. Old? Really? What does that even mean? I was exactly the same person I was 24 hours before (except that I now owned a lovely caribbean teal Le Creuset casserole set [!!!]) -- nothing had changed... so why was I freaking out? Then I realized what it was --- there's so much I haven't done... so much I thought I would have accomplished by the time I had to say that I was 39 years old.

I should have my Masters, I should exercise, I should have a house, I should go to the theater and make donations to organizations I love. I should be able to wear the jeans I bought when I was 37, I should be traveling, I should speak another language. I should own something, I should have a savings account, I should own stocks -- or something stock-like, I should be volunteering my time, I should have a career -- or at least a car. I should be a mom.

I should be getting ready to begin my third year of running a fabulously successful gallery in Omaha, Nebraska.

But I'm not. And that's okay. Because I can still do those things if I want to. My thirty's are coming to an end -- not my life. Birthdays are a great opportunity to take stock and make adjustments...... and I've some major adjustments to make next year. I've got work to do.

Once I got that straight in my head -- and I had an impromptu dance party in my apartment, listening to my theme song on repeat -- I was ready to get back to the business at hand.... celebrating.

Tim and I had a *wonderful* birthday party last night. I broke out the balloons and streamers, baked two cakes, put on my party dress and celebrated the year to come with a whole lotta people I love. The apartment was P.A.C.K.E.D and everyone had the best time... the last guest left at 4am -- we just ate & drank champagne & danced. It was a perfect night.

This past year's been hard on me ------- I don't need to add to that by being hard on myself -- know what I mean? I've made a lot of mistakes in the past 38 years, but I've also accomplished a thing or two... and (hopefully) there are many more of each to come.

I've made a list of thirty-nine things to do by forty -- but I'm keeping this one to myself this time. There are some biggies on it. I'll publish it in 365 days and we'll review the year together....

.... and, if the rest of it is 1/2 as great as how it got started last night --- it's gonna be STELLAR.

----->Fast Forward------------------------>

I kinda can't believe it's been three whole months since I've had a moment to sit and write... and what a three months its been.

Scratch that.

What a twelve months its been.

I'm not gonna lie -- I barely remember most of what's been going on these past few months -- it's like the fast forward button on my life's remote is stuck and I keep catching glimpses of myself through the distorted, sped up image on the screen. That said -- here's the Cliff Notes version of the past 90 or so days...

Tim and I finally got moved into the apartment -- and love it. I've found spaces to stash what's left of our lives after we sold/donated/abandoned the majority of our belongings. I've spent the past eight or so Mondays unpacking and painting and squeezing bits of furniture into overflowing rooms --- and this place finally feels.... right.

We had people over for Thanksgiving -- I made dinner for eight (the best turkey I've ever made -- hands down) and then we had about 15 more come by for dessert (salted caramel chocolate cake, apple pie with homemade bourbon/pecan ice cream and ginger creme brulee) afterward. I got to spend some time with Allyson -- who has moved to Chicago and I've been missing her like crazy. I made me SO damn happy to feed everyone and have all of that joy in the apartment -- heaven.

We took a crazy little vacation in October -- drove up to Idaho, spent four days up there fishing, hiking, playing and generally being ecstatic -- then took a few days to drive back to Omaha, going through Yellowstone, the Black Hills and the Badlands on our way back. It was the BEST week I've had in ages... gave me some time to disconnect and think.

I've had sooOoOooOo much to think about these days.

I have decided to close PULP -- which, I guess, is the real reason for all of my silence lately. It's easily been one of the toughest decisions I've had to make in years -- if not ever... but it's the right one. I put everything I had into that shop -- and I do mean everything. It cost me my house and my car, all of my savings and -- more often than not -- my peace of mind. But, it was mine and I loved it.

I just cannot continue to support it any longer. I have nothing left to give so that it can survive... know what I mean?

But wait -- it's not all doom and gloom over here, I promise. The silver lining on this shitty situation is that I've been able to spin what I've accomplished at PULP (and I have no doubts that I accomplished A LOT -- no matter what its end turned out to be) into a full time spot at The Bemis Center managing/curating one of their spaces, the bemisUNDERGROUND.

This is an AMAZING opportunity for me --- like WHOA! amazing. Several months ago -- I realized that what I really, really love about PULP was the gallery... I love curating and having conversations with people about the arts -- it means everything to me. I also realized that I would really like to be doing more for the community -- things that I couldn't do because PULP sucked off every second of my time. This job with the Bemis will not only allow me to keep doing what I love -- but expand on it in a way that will not only benefit me -- but hopefully the arts community in Omaha as well. It's way beyond a win|win situation.

I'll post more about everything soon, I promise (no really, I mean it this time) I just wanted to bring you up to date -- if there's anyone still out there... I know, I've been gone a good long time.

My last day at PULP is the 24th -- I start at The Bemis full time in January... I've been going to meetings and working on programming proposals already, and working both jobs is taking a toll. I'm tired, and I almost allowed myself to forget that it's my favorite time of the year.

I've decided to close the shop quietly... no last hurray of an event. I would like to reclaim the end of this year. I want to celebrate with Tim and the people I love -- our birthdays are on Friday -- and then it's Christmas and New Years -- and I cannot wait for a brand new, fresh-out-tha-box new year. CANNOT WAIT. I don't want to plan an event at PULP for the public -- I want to spend these few weeks planning special celebrations with my friends... and that's what I'm gonna do.

Things are looking up. I really believe that. In many ways, this year has been horrendous -- but it's also been wonderful. I have learned a lot, a lot, a lot... A LOT. I am loved and madly IN love and have the most amazing support system ever. I have brilliant friends and family and what I'm lacking in funds I'm more than flush with in happiness.

So don't worry about me.... okay? I'm pretty sure I hit the bottom of something in '09 -- from here on out... it's all about the bounce back.

xo!