my lil' life in the big O!

Hello Stranger....

2011-07-25T22:05:00.000-05:00

I'll admit it. My decision to stop writing last year was a very determined break from the blog. I had grown to hate this little corner of the internet... actually, looking back, hate might not be a strong enough word. Let's roll with loathe.

I turned my back on this blog last year and never thought I'd come back to it... but a few weeks ago I pulled it back up and took a look around.

I stopped writing for a lot of reasons -- but at the top of the list was the fact that -- honestly, my life was a massively horrendous pile o' shit for the last couple of years I documented here -- and who wants to hash through that TWICE?! I couldn't write about what was happening because just living through it was almost more than I could bear. Documenting it just seemed like beating a dead horse -- useless.

A LOT has happened since the last post and the day I came back.... so much, new job, new home, new friends... new life. So I've been thinking, maybe it's time to dust of the blog and start writing again. Not that I think anyone who listened before will find the new entries... but because it was good therapy for me. Because it helped. Because... you can't just take the good and leave the bad behind, especially when the bad helped you grow in the end.

So... I'm back. Not erasing the past -- just archiving it and looking forward. New Chapter? Hell -- it feels like a new book... and, I've so many tales left to tell.

Forward

2010-04-21T18:04:00.005-05:00

I cannot believe it's been four whole months since I've been back here.

So much has happened -- so many changes and stories to tell. But first things first --- I'm good. Actually, folks, I'm better than good....

I'm great!!

The past four months have been filled with some of the most challenging, exciting and prideful days I've had in years. I don't feel like I've started a new chapter -- it's more like a whole new book.

I closed the door on Pulp about a week after my last post. I expected to feel horrible about it -- to miss it madly and mourn it's passing for months --- but all I've felt is joyous relief. People keep asking me if I miss it ----- and the truth is that I miss certain aspects of it, but I absolutely, positively don't miss the tears or the stress or the sleepless nights.

I've managed to reclaim a lot of things since the shop went away... and the top spot on that list would go to my sense of sanity. Nothing can put ya on the fast track for a breakdown like losing absolutely everything you've ever owned, worked for or dreamed about. Nothing.

Please don't get me wrong.... I don't hate Pulp --- it was too big a part of me to hate -- too important to who I am. It was wonderful and amazing -- it's led to some pretty amazing things, and shown me what I'm capable of doing and surviving... which is just about anything.

But I haven't shed a tear for it, and I doubt I ever will. I've bookmarked the good bits, dog-eared the parts of Pulp I might wanna go back and revisit someday -- then closed the cover and put it on a shelf. On to the next book......

I started working at the Bemis in January as the bemis|UNDERGROUND Manager... my first six weeks here were insane. I basically renovated 3000 sq. ft of space with a team of volunteers, endless 15 hour days and some crazy ass determination to conquer the space. I have to admit --- it almost broke me. I dropped my broom and walked away from it in disgust a few times -- and cried while painting endless brick walls -- but the thing is.... I kept on painting while the tears rolled.

And it got done.

Scratch that.............. it got done WELL.

The space reopened in February to a crowd of over 500 people... and it's been going great ever since.

My job is basically to curate the space, which is broken into three gallery spaces. The shows for this year are all local emerging artists -- which was a challenge, but I'm making it happen. I'm also doing a lot of community programming -- which I honestly love. I'm hosting the monthly potluck supper which gathers 40 people together for a meal and conversation about the arts, we're doing gallery talks and trivia nights -- every thing's based on creating a stronger arts community in Omaha and helping to uplift the artists we have.

And I love it.

My job still keeps me up at night -- but instead of lying awake trying to sort out how I'm gonna survive, I think about how to help my community thrive. The past four months have been great ones for me -- and hopefully for the people coming through the UNDERGROUND. I couldn't have imagined being this happy four months ago... couldn't fathom it.

I hit bottom like nobody's business ---- but I'm bouncin' back like a super ball and it's good -- really, really good!

I think I needed a break from the blog.... some time to regroup. I'm not sure if anyone's still out there, but I'm back at it. I have lots to share -- lots I wanna share again. I was so full of doom and gloom before, I could barely stomach thinking about it... I definitely didn't want to write about it.

I'm finally ready to crack the binding on this new book....

Here's a bit of press about the new job, a video from the first opening, a photo of the funky family suppers I'm hosting each month...

... snapshots from my new life.

-- a review of the first show in the space
-- a piece the Omaha World Herald did on the renovation
-- a piece from The Reader

Scott Blake's video from the reopening of the UNDERGROUND

Saturday Supper - dinner for 40 in the gallery

The Rainbow Connection

2009-12-19T16:46:00.008-06:00

Yesterday, I turned 39.

Thirty. Nine.

I love birthdays -- like love, love, LOVE them -- but yesterday when I woke up, I was one bummed out birthday girl. I was feeling funky from the get go, just had a bad-ass case of the blahs that I couldn't shake. At one point I was downright weepy... which is when Tim (who was celebrating his birthday, too) finally asked what the hell was up... and without hesitating, I replied:

"I feel............... old."

And -- almost magically, the moment I put words to it -- the feelings vanished. Old? Really? What does that even mean? I was exactly the same person I was 24 hours before (except that I now owned a lovely caribbean teal Le Creuset casserole set [!!!]) -- nothing had changed... so why was I freaking out? Then I realized what it was --- there's so much I haven't done... so much I thought I would have accomplished by the time I had to say that I was 39 years old.

I should have my Masters, I should exercise, I should have a house, I should go to the theater and make donations to organizations I love. I should be able to wear the jeans I bought when I was 37, I should be traveling, I should speak another language. I should own something, I should have a savings account, I should own stocks -- or something stock-like, I should be volunteering my time, I should have a career -- or at least a car. I should be a mom.

I should be getting ready to begin my third year of running a fabulously successful gallery in Omaha, Nebraska.

But I'm not. And that's okay. Because I can still do those things if I want to. My thirty's are coming to an end -- not my life. Birthdays are a great opportunity to take stock and make adjustments...... and I've some major adjustments to make next year. I've got work to do.

Once I got that straight in my head -- and I had an impromptu dance party in my apartment, listening to my theme song on repeat -- I was ready to get back to the business at hand.... celebrating.

Tim and I had a *wonderful* birthday party last night. I broke out the balloons and streamers, baked two cakes, put on my party dress and celebrated the year to come with a whole lotta people I love. The apartment was P.A.C.K.E.D and everyone had the best time... the last guest left at 4am -- we just ate & drank champagne & danced. It was a perfect night.

This past year's been hard on me ------- I don't need to add to that by being hard on myself -- know what I mean? I've made a lot of mistakes in the past 38 years, but I've also accomplished a thing or two... and (hopefully) there are many more of each to come.

I've made a list of thirty-nine things to do by forty -- but I'm keeping this one to myself this time. There are some biggies on it. I'll publish it in 365 days and we'll review the year together....

.... and, if the rest of it is 1/2 as great as how it got started last night --- it's gonna be STELLAR.

----->Fast Forward------------------------>

2009-12-14T19:57:00.004-06:00

I kinda can't believe it's been three whole months since I've had a moment to sit and write... and what a three months its been.

Scratch that.

What a twelve months its been.

I'm not gonna lie -- I barely remember most of what's been going on these past few months -- it's like the fast forward button on my life's remote is stuck and I keep catching glimpses of myself through the distorted, sped up image on the screen. That said -- here's the Cliff Notes version of the past 90 or so days...

Tim and I finally got moved into the apartment -- and love it. I've found spaces to stash what's left of our lives after we sold/donated/abandoned the majority of our belongings. I've spent the past eight or so Mondays unpacking and painting and squeezing bits of furniture into overflowing rooms --- and this place finally feels.... right.

We had people over for Thanksgiving -- I made dinner for eight (the best turkey I've ever made -- hands down) and then we had about 15 more come by for dessert (salted caramel chocolate cake, apple pie with homemade bourbon/pecan ice cream and ginger creme brulee) afterward. I got to spend some time with Allyson -- who has moved to Chicago and I've been missing her like crazy. I made me SO damn happy to feed everyone and have all of that joy in the apartment -- heaven.

We took a crazy little vacation in October -- drove up to Idaho, spent four days up there fishing, hiking, playing and generally being ecstatic -- then took a few days to drive back to Omaha, going through Yellowstone, the Black Hills and the Badlands on our way back. It was the BEST week I've had in ages... gave me some time to disconnect and think.

I've had sooOoOooOo much to think about these days.

I have decided to close PULP -- which, I guess, is the real reason for all of my silence lately. It's easily been one of the toughest decisions I've had to make in years -- if not ever... but it's the right one. I put everything I had into that shop -- and I do mean everything. It cost me my house and my car, all of my savings and -- more often than not -- my peace of mind. But, it was mine and I loved it.

I just cannot continue to support it any longer. I have nothing left to give so that it can survive... know what I mean?

But wait -- it's not all doom and gloom over here, I promise. The silver lining on this shitty situation is that I've been able to spin what I've accomplished at PULP (and I have no doubts that I accomplished A LOT -- no matter what its end turned out to be) into a full time spot at The Bemis Center managing/curating one of their spaces, the bemisUNDERGROUND.

This is an AMAZING opportunity for me --- like WHOA! amazing. Several months ago -- I realized that what I really, really love about PULP was the gallery... I love curating and having conversations with people about the arts -- it means everything to me. I also realized that I would really like to be doing more for the community -- things that I couldn't do because PULP sucked off every second of my time. This job with the Bemis will not only allow me to keep doing what I love -- but expand on it in a way that will not only benefit me -- but hopefully the arts community in Omaha as well. It's way beyond a win|win situation.

I'll post more about everything soon, I promise (no really, I mean it this time) I just wanted to bring you up to date -- if there's anyone still out there... I know, I've been gone a good long time.

My last day at PULP is the 24th -- I start at The Bemis full time in January... I've been going to meetings and working on programming proposals already, and working both jobs is taking a toll. I'm tired, and I almost allowed myself to forget that it's my favorite time of the year.

I've decided to close the shop quietly... no last hurray of an event. I would like to reclaim the end of this year. I want to celebrate with Tim and the people I love -- our birthdays are on Friday -- and then it's Christmas and New Years -- and I cannot wait for a brand new, fresh-out-tha-box new year. CANNOT WAIT. I don't want to plan an event at PULP for the public -- I want to spend these few weeks planning special celebrations with my friends... and that's what I'm gonna do.

Things are looking up. I really believe that. In many ways, this year has been horrendous -- but it's also been wonderful. I have learned a lot, a lot, a lot... A LOT. I am loved and madly IN love and have the most amazing support system ever. I have brilliant friends and family and what I'm lacking in funds I'm more than flush with in happiness.

So don't worry about me.... okay? I'm pretty sure I hit the bottom of something in '09 -- from here on out... it's all about the bounce back.

xo!

The Sound and the Fury

2009-09-10T18:15:00.007-05:00

Had a doozie of an evening at the shop last night...

Every 2nd Wednesday during the summer -- from 5pm til 8pm -- the galleries in The Old Market take part in a gallery crawl that's sponsored by a local paper. I don't look forward to the event, mainly because the majority of the people who come out for it care very little about looking at art -- and lots more about getting free food and qualifying for a raffle at the end of the night if you hit a certain number of galleries.

Last night at about 5:05 -- the toilets in the restaurant above my shop must have imploded, because a shit ton (pun very much so intended) of water starting pouring down onto my desk and everything around it.

I got the situation (sort of) under control (looked insane -- there were garbage cans, buckets and vases everywhere) -- but it took them two hours to make the water stop flooding my space. There wasn't any serious damage, but my shop reeks and I think the carpet around my desk is going to be wet for days.

It was a super slow night (it's been super slow for weeks, but that's a whole other post...) and at about 7pm, I decided to listen to Obama's health care speech. Several people who'd come into the shop hunkered around my desk to listen, others just went on about their business, ate some grapes, looked at Wanda's work in the gallery. No biggie.....

.... til this woman came in at 7:20 and pitched a FULL BLOWN temper tantrum in my shop because I refused to turn the speech off.

She comes in and stops about 6' from my desk....

-- "Is that Obama?! Are you listening to Obama?!?"
-- "Yes, it's his speech on health care re..."
-- "Turn it off."
--"............................................. um, excuse me?"
-- "I said Turn. It. OFF!!!! I refuse to listen to that, I don't have to listen to it! This is a public place and you have to TURN IT OFF!"

I honestly sat there, stunned -- for a full minute.

-- "Ma'am, it's just a speech about health care reform...."
-- "And he is JUST A MAN!!!"
-- "............................um...... what?"
-- "He's just a man!!! I don't want to listen to him!!! I told you to turn it off!! You are alienating 1/2 of the people in here [sidenote: there were about 15 people in the gallery at this point, 6 of whom were watching the speech with me] You are offending 1/2 of your customers!! Who owns this place... where's your boss?"
-- "It's my gallery........."
-- [Looks me up and down] "Oh -- that figures. Listen I will not shop here as long as you're playing that. I REFUSE to buy anything as long as I CAN HEAR HIS VOICE!"
-- "Well then, ma'am, I suggest that you leave, because I'm not turning it off.

She storms off into the neighboring shop -- all the while ranting about how offensive the whole thing is... how she should not have to listen to the "that man" speak in a public place (???). I hear her in the shop next door yelling... "I can STILL hear him! I will not shop here either if I have to listen to that -- that woman next door is costing you business!!!"

The whole thing left me shaking mad. The entire debate over health care reform has left me so angry, sad, confused -- and quite honestly, ashamed of this country's behavior. I have watched coverage of the town halls, I have listened to all of the arguments against the bill ------ and it's all just left me fucking furious.

As a small business owner who recently had to decide between keeping my car and keeping my ridiculously expensive health insurance (the insurance won) -- it's infuriates me that people are behaving so childishly over an issue that is so insanely important.

I'll be the first to admit that when I worked for Time Inc. -- I never thought twice about health insurance. I just had it -- it was just there. I didn't even notice the money it took to pay for it missing from my checks. Once I got laid off, and witnessed the crazy ass joke that is COBRA -- having insurance, or not having it -- was all I could think about. I went without it for a year... then reality hit (I'm on the fast track to 40, would possibly like to have a child... and hello -- seeing the GYN once a year goes a long way towards lessening ones hypochondria) so I got my own coverage.

I've been paying for health insurance for just over a year now --- and it's anything but perfect. Getting approved was craziness (I was almost denied due to high cholesterol), and then every time I went to the doctor for the first six months (my "probationary period") -- I'd get this confusing letter about what they'd cover, which -- after my second visit was followed by a letter telling me that I had seen the doctor too often, and that they'd be formally reviewing my medical records. Because I made two office visits (which still cost me $50 a pop) in six months.

My rates have gone up three times in one year. I don't have dental. Or coverage for eye exams. And if something should happen to me, I would still have to pay thousands in deductibles.

When I asked about maternity coverage, I was told that I had to contact them when I was planning to get pregnant, and then switch to a more expensive coverage plan. If I got pregnant and then told them ---- I would not be able to get maternity coverage. Best yet, my pregnancy would only be covered if I managed to conceive and deliver my baby within one calendar year. Need more than three months to conceive? Better luck next year!

And I'm fortunate to have what I have.

The majority of people I know, don't have insurance. They never go to the doctor. When things hurt them -- they wait it out, fingers crossed, hoping they'll feel better in a couple of days.

The whole thing just breaks my heart into a billion pieces. And now ---- we have a President determined to make it better and the entire country erupts into chaos! People scream and break into fist fights, parents and schools refuse to let him speak to their children (I'm still fuming over that one), they call him a nazi -- a nazi (!!!) and full grown women put their fingers in their ears and throw tantrums at the very sound of his voice....

... and then Joe Wilson calls him a liar.... On. The. House. Floor.

What the fuck is going on here? Can someone fill me in, because I'm at a complete loss... the world is watching us, and our politicians have been reduced to whining, finger pointing bullies who use name calling to get their points across.

All of this over an attempt to secure the right of every one to be able to have access to medical care if they need it. Something that's a basic RIGHT to the majority of the world's people.

Really?

I've been thinking about that woman all day today... about the fact that there are millions more like her out there -- refusing to even hear the other side, just pissed off because someone told them they should be. I've been trying not to curse her, to wish all sort of bad, bad, horrible bad things on her and the people she loves - things that eat you up on the inside, things that she might not be able to afford fixing..... instead, I'm just hoping that she wakes up before it's too late....

... and is just willing to -- at the very least -- listen.

Done Deal!

2009-09-09T12:50:00.003-05:00

.... Just a super quick post to share the great news!

The house is officially sold!

HOORAY!!!
HOORAY!!!
HOORAY!!!

Crossin' One Off the List

2009-09-01T18:35:00.008-05:00

The past couple of weeks have been all about trying to remove some things from my life that have been stressing me out. "Stressing" is not actually the right word for what I've been doing lately... I think a good therapist would have several much more appropriate terms to use for what's been goin' down over here -- but "stressing" will do for now.

Sorry --- I digress. No. 2 on my list has been the house.

I've been getting about six phone calls and four letters A DAY regarding the house... it's completely overwhelming. No two people at the bank holding my mortgage seem to know what's up. I have faxed 100 sheets of paper, the same lists and worksheets and letters, to 100 different people (some of them twice!) and NO ONE seems to know what's up.

I've applied for assistance programs that I don't make enough money to qualify for... applied for short sale status TWICE and am still getting letters from the bank's lawyers telling me that I need to vacate the house because they're coming for it. The only thing making any of this bearable has been knowing that I'm not in it alone.

But, this month, things got a bit brighter.

I got the go-ahead for the short sale, which means I can sell the house for less than I owe the bank if they approve the amount. I was freaking out about having to pay the difference, but I don't have to... HUD does it. But, that difference becomes earned income for me... which I was also freaking out about because I'll be paying my taxes from last year for the next decade and can't take on more...

Then, my accountant told me about a miracle called The Mortgage Debt Relief Act of 2007 -- which, in a nutshell, says that you cannot be taxed on income earned through the foreclosure/short sale of your home. I CANNOT BEGIN to explain how huge this is!!!! I almost can't believe this is something the Bush administration created.... the only redeeming moment of the entire eight year run!

So, I've been feeling better about the house stuff... I'd long ago accepted the fact that my credit will be hosed forever... partially because of the house, mainly because of the business -- and I know that the majority of the sane general public considers this to be horrific... but I don't. The only thing that matters is that for the past few weeks, when I wake up in the middle of the night freaking out about things, the house has not been one of them.

And then, someone made an offer on the house.

Someone made an offer on the house..... that the bank accepted yesterday.

I met with Richard, my lovely, New Zealand-accented Realtor this morning and signed another 100 sheets of paper... he says that if things go according to plan that we could be all closed up before the end of the month. Like.... in weeks. WEEKS!!!!

I will not be breathing for the next several days until things come together a bit more solidly... the shit could still hit the ol' fan at this point, but Richard says that even if things go south with this seller, that we shouldn't have a problem selling quickly because we now know what the bank will accept for the house.... which I will visually interpret as this: $ --- only imagine it several times smaller.

I won't be making any money on the sale ----- but I don't care! Not one bit! I'll take my three-ish years of horrible credit and glorious CLOSURE and be on my merry way... thank you very much!

So please (pretty, pretty please)... if you have some spare time and empty hands over the next few days --- cross your fingers for me. I'll take crossed legs, toes and eyes, as well --- whatever works! Just please send some good thoughts my way....

For the first time in such a long, long time, I feel like I might be catching a much needed break.... and just the thought of it has had me smiling all day.

My Summer Vacation at The Iowa State Fair

2009-08-27T15:00:00.013-05:00

Okay folks, I'll admit it... I was COMPLETELY unprepared for the Iowa State Fair. Somehow, I've managed to get through nearly 38 years of life without ever going to a state fair before... and now I wish I could go every weekend!

.... except that doing so would probably would lead to a life of hideous obesity and type 2 Diabetes. *sigh*

Sunday morning, Tim and I drove out to Des Moines (Paul Simon playing on repeat... I'd forgotten how much I love that album...) and ~~ate our way through~~ went to the Fair... and it was the best day I've had in ages! It was a perfect day to go -- gorgeous outside -- and I really loved everything about it!

We ogled all of the prize winning fruits and veggies... and stared, in slack jawed wonder at the super sized pumpkins and giant heads of cabbage.

We waited on line for 15 minutes to see the butter sculptures -- which were the highlight of my day!

buttery bliss

behold THE BUTTER COW!

... and then we ate a lil' somethin'

they called it a grinder, but it was really just a sloppy joe with cheese and peppers

We rode A ride (they were $5 a go -- insane!) that spun us around til we could barely see, walked through the crazy carnie game tents, and then ate a lil' somethin' else...

the lamb burger-- this one was all tim's
We looked in on the cows, pigs and sheep.... visited some amazing fancy chickens and rabbits -- and strange long eared goats. I bought a tote bag, which lists the top 10 things you can do at the fair... and one of them was, "You can LOOK at the animals, and then you can EAT the animals!" ... And they weren't kidding! Tim picked up that lamb burger right outside the land of sheep... which I found a wee bit creepy.

We spent an insane amount of time looking at jars of jams and pickled things. There were prize winning cookies, candies, pies and cakes on display, including this gem of a squirrel cake:

still not sure what sort of event this cake would be appropriate for...
And then we had a snack...

turkey legs and potato ribbons! smoky, fried and yummy!
... looked at some farm machinery, some quilts and the world's largest bull, before deciding to have a bit of dessert...

FUNNEL CAKE!! HOORAY!!
I'll admit that there were things about the Fair that bugged me a bit... the only veggies to eat there were so fried they looked more like donuts than vegetables. It felt VERY corporately sponsored/funded -- all about soybeans and the wonder of corn. This was the part I really disliked about the whole thing... it wasn't really about little farmers at all -- more about big business farming -- which made me sad. I got angry when we saw this display about "What Cow's Eat" and corn was at the top of the list (grass towards the bottom...). I hope that one day, that focus can change ---- and not just because I've become (quite literally) obsessed with the farm to table movement, but because the State Fair should celebrate real farms... not only the farm-like factories.

This concludes the food rant portion of this evening program, we now return you to our regularly scheduled presentation of "State Fair Euphoria"...

We spent six hours out there -- eating, people watching (stellar!) and celebrating all things farm-ish. I honestly had the best day I've had in ages. My only regrets:
a) We didn't save room for deep fried oreos on a stick (Oh. My. GAWD!).
b) We had to leave before Journey and Heart took the stage in the bandstand.

Otherwise, the day was all I needed it to be... one spent sharing tons of laughs and speared foods with the man that I adore.

Perfection.

Lots of love and Pickle Dawgs..... xo!

Tie-Tie

2009-08-22T18:02:00.005-05:00

I swear to god, this past week was six months long. I feel like I've been going nonstop for days... and days... and days. Make that years -- just over 1 1/2 to be exact...

... and I'm tired.

I spent the week flipping the space for the next show in the gallery -- two days of packing up art, spackeling walls, painting the gallery, two days hanging the new stuff... seven days of running errands when I'm not at the shop, which is really tough to do when you have to be in one place from 10am-9pm. Lots to do... and I got it done. Not only that, but I got it done WELL. The shop/gallery looks gorgeous...

Last night, my good friend Wanda Ewing's exhibit opened at Pulp... and it is an *amazing* show. I'm not just saying that because I love her --- the work is great. The opening was jam packed from 7pm til 10:45pm -- tons and tons of people. Went through four cases of wine... the conversations were wonderful... Wanda had a blast... it was a pretty perfect night.

Til it ended, and I did the drawer for the day -- and realized that I made less than I do on a normal Friday... when a fraction of people come through the space. I didn't make enough to pay for the postcards for the show... let alone the wine ---- or um, rent for next month.

Opening nights usually put a HUGE dent in the rent -- but since I've moved downtown, that's just not happening, because sales on these nights have stayed about the same as they were in Benson. But my expenses are almost twice as high. People are still coming, but they're not really buying artwork, or books, or cards or -- anything. Just drinking... a lot. Perhaps the recession has finally caught up with folks here in Omaha?

I don't know.

What I do know is that rent is due super soon, and I have to hustle (hustle = the process by which I somehow manage to [beg, borrow, will into being] come up with an insane amount of money each month when there's nothing in the bank) my ass off to get it together. Again....

... and I'm tired.

People keep telling me how much they love the shop, what I'm doing with the gallery -- how great this all is for the arts, the community. But for the first time since I opened Pulp, I find myself spending more and more time wondering just how good all of this is for me. And in the middle of the night, when I can't sleep because I'm thinking about the hustlin' I have to do, not to get ahead -- oh no, it's not about getting ahead anymore -- it's about hangin' on -- I'm realizing that it's not very good for me, at all.

There's more to say about that.... but I don't feel like sayin' it. Not tonight...

Tonight, I'm closing up in a bit, going to Buvette for a good supper, some laughs and (several) glasses of wine.

Tonight, I'm looking forward to getting home at 1am and watching the LAST EPISODE of Battlestar Galactica with Tim, despite the fact that I'll barely be able to keep my eyes open.

Tonight -- I'm not thinking about the hustle. Instead, I'm gonna think about my road trip with Tim tomorrow. We're waking up early and heading to Des Moines for the Iowa State Fair (hooray!) --- and I cannot wait to visit THE BUTTER COW, eat a funnel cake and various foods on sticks and look at prize winning pies!

I'm giving myself a (well deserved, if I must say so myself) two day vacay. .... the hustle, and all the hell that comes with it, can just wait til Tuesday...

Because I'm tired, folks. So, so tired.

Saturday Randomness: Food Porn, Farm to Table Livin', Ferris Bueller and the Congo Free State

2009-08-08T16:35:00.011-05:00

It is H.O.T. in Omaha today ---- a sticky 98... which means that all of the sane people are inside air conditioned spaces or sitting next to large bodies of water --- which means that NO ONE is shopping or looking at art or um, pretty much anything else that would require you to go outside and move. It's been super quiet at the shop (actually, it's been quiet all week...) and I've spent the past 5 1/2 hours sitting at my desk thinking about the 1,000,000,000,000 other things I could be doing today instead of being here alone clicking through every page of the NY Times' website.

*sigh*

So I thought I'd take a minute to check in and share some random thoughts -- which I haven't done in a LONG time because I've been, um, obsessing over a few other little things.

First off ---- I wanted to share a little food porn with you! I've been reading Aran Goyoaga's amazing dessert blog, cannelle et vanille, for months now and am more than a little bit in love with her. She just launched a site dedicated to her photography --- and it's so, so, very beautiful: http://www.arangoyoaga.com.

This morning, I realized that I haven't baked anything in FOREVER -- which is really just insane. I need to get my ass back into the kitchen this month. Now that I think about it, I haven't really done anything I love to do in ages... no sewing or cooking or traveling. I have not been having very much fun this year --- and that needs to change. Pronto.

Speaking of kitchens ----- I've spent the past week working on the one at the apartment and it's just about done! I fixed up the floor (the old linoleum was a cracked, burned mess) with leftover tiles from the Benson shop and painted it a crazy ass shade of 70s-inspired yellow that DOES NOT lend itself well to fluorescent lighting. Oh my god! I'm all about being as green as possible --- but I had to swap out the bulbs in the kitchen because the walls were making me feel (quite literally) nauseous.

I just realized that I haven't told you guys anything about the new apartment! It's wonderful! I'll post some photos once it's not just a maze of boxes... but I really love it. The rooms are starting to come together and it feels more like home every day.

Living with Tim full time has been great... altho, I will admit that he's not the tidiest of people -- which makes me ~~batshit~~ a wee bit crazy sometimes. We have completely different tastes when it comes to decorating -- but I'm trying to compromise. I got a yellow kitchen (a color he pretty much hates) and he's getting a navy blue (navy blue? really?!) dining room. He claims to have seen one in a movie called Le Cercle Rouge -- which I haven't seen.... but one that he's dead set on recreating. I'm thinking that if I can mix in some yellow accents to tie it back to the kitchen that it will work.

Something kinda like this:
I dunno ----- I'll keep you posted and will upload some shots of the space soon. Promise.

What else ....

Tonight's the opening party for my friend Elle's Empty Room project -- Clean Plate. She's going to running a farm to table restaurant for the next month -- and I'm so very excited about it (you can learn a bit more about it here). Tim and some friends will be playing music at the event tonight -- it should be a great time. I'm really loving all of the focus on slow foods and eating locally... it's something I've been interested in for some time now and I'm really happy that Elle's creating a space where people can learn more and see how feasible it is to just live this way.

Last week --- this older man came into the shop and struck up a conversation with me.... his name is Erick and he lives on a farm in western Iowa -- about 2 hours from here. We had the best conversation about eating locally and farm life -- I learned a ton from him. The next day -- he came back and gave me a cotton bag full of the most beautiful reddish-purple carrots (I'd never seen anything like them before). They were *amazing*... he invited Tim & I up to his farm -- I'm hoping to get out there before the Fall.

A few other random bits....

While clicking away at The Times this morning -- I found this op-ed piece, which really hit home for me and I wanted to share it: "For the Time Being".

I still cannot believe John Hughes died this week... his movies were such a huge part of my teenage life -- it just blew me away. I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday, but I can quote damn near every line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

I hate to admit it -- but I've been feeling a little obsessed with the story of Diane Schuler and the horrible accident that happened in NYC last month. It creeps into my head in the middle of the night and is still boggling my brain... I just can't wrap my head around it all.

I've also been a bit obsessed with this site. If you click on the search button without putting data into the box, it brings up 70-some pages of AMAZING photographs... which then led to an obsession with The Congo Free State -- something I (honestly) never even knew about. WHICH -- has got me thinking a lot about just how little I know about the world after nearly 20 years of catholic school history classes.

Okay ------ that might do it for today. I have two more hours to go --- and I should probably clean/organize/rearrange something with that time. Maybe?

Catch ya next week.............................. xo!

Buked and Scorned

2009-07-25T19:42:00.006-05:00

Please excuse me for stating what may be painfully obvious, but I've been having a REALLY tough year.

It's been a solid seven months of transition and loss (so much loss) and every time I've reached the point where I thought things were finally coming together, it all just falls to pieces again.

I've moved the store, I've moved myself, I've lost my house, all the money and dreams I invested in it -- gone. The shop computer crashed, I had my ass handed to me by the IRS and I've managed to piss off every financial-based entity in my life, from the gas company right on up the line to the ~~complete idiots~~ fine folks at Wells Fargo who hold the mortgage to my house. I've had to give away or sell off pretty much everything I own over the past two months -- condensing my entire life down to the bare bones.

And a couple of weeks ago -- I lost the gallery space next to Pulp.

Yup. After emailing 1000 people (literally) to tell them about the launch of mcQueen contemporary art + projects, after scheming like mad to get the money together to build it out, after hiring a contractor and booking several artists to show in the space -- I received a bit of info from my landlord which made it impossible for me to hold onto the space. I had to give it up ---- and it was promptly leased to someone else.

I'd rather not get into the details here ---- but in a nutshell I was made aware of some expenses associated with my leasing the spaces (after being here for four months without a mention of them) which basically caused my rent to become DOUBLE what it was in Benson. Double.

I, quite obviously, (please see the multitude of proof above) cannot afford that.

I've spent the past two weeks being bitter ...... and ANGRY. About everything. All of it. The entire fucking year. Everything I've worked so hard for over the past several years feels like it's turned against me. Everything I wanted and wished for -- all of it's either fallen to shit or has become an albatross around my neck...... and I am sick to death of every last bit of it.

I'm tired, guys.... so tired.

But I'm not lying down --- I won't. Because for all the bad shit that's gone down over the past seven months --- there's some glimmers of goodness in there too.

It's time for me to get up and go. I have things to do and it would be a crime to let the things standing in my way keep me from accomplishing them. The next few weeks are going to be ugly ones --- I have some nasty decisions to make/things to do which I'm hoping will get my finances back on track a bit by the end of next month. I've got a bit more loss to wade through... but I'm up for it now.

And, I promise to start writing again. I think that I've been avoiding the blog because I'm sick of thinking about all the crap on my plate. Hiding the dirty dish doesn't make it disappear --- you can still smell it, trust me. The only way to deal with it --- is to clean it up. And that's what I need to do.

I woke up this morning with an old spiritual playing in my head -- and it's been in there all day long:

I've been buked and I've been scorned,
I've been buked and I've been scorned,
Children, I've been buked and I've been scorned,
Tryin' to make this journey all alone

You may talk about me sure as you please
Talk about me sure as you please
Children, talk about me sure as you please
Your talk will never drive me down to my knees
Thinking about the lyrics made me realize...... for all of the losses that have come my way this year, I'm still hustlin' -- still trying to make it happen. On. My. Own. And that ---- counts for a shit ton o' somethin'.

I'm still here. I still have Pulp. I still have amazing friends and family who love me and would do anything to support me -- even when my goals are all pie in the sky. I have Tim... with his giant heart and all his understanding and overwhelming love. I have lots. Tons. And I wouldn't trade one of these things for the house or the car or the gallery or all the lost money in a million years.

It may have taken me seven months to get it -- but the light bulb clicked on this morning and it's brightness is blindingly brilliant:

Altho I may have lost just about everything that I ever wanted.... I still have everything I NEED.

And in the end, that's all that really matters.

Luck is Coming Your Way

2009-06-20T18:31:00.009-05:00

..... the other night, Tim took me out for Chinese food and that was my fortune. I've taped it to the cash register at the shop -- and it's become my daily mantra... five little words that I'm desperate to believe in after the past couple of (downright shitty) weeks.

In a nutshell, the past 14 days went a little somethin' like this:

Diego (one of the cats) got super sick, after taking him to the vet it was determined that he had one helluva hairball and is now feeling much better (cost: $150.)
After paying rent for June (plus security) for the new apartment and starting to move in, Tim and I realized that there was something wrong with the floors -- they're SUPER tacky -- like almost takes your shoe off tacky. Come to find out that the landlord once had them finished with a mixture of linseed oil and turpentine (???) which has never given them trouble... til now. So, we've stopped moving in while they try to fix it. Tim needs to be out of his place next weekend, so it looks like we'll be moving all of his stuff into the house, and then have to move it again once the apartment is ready. (cost: about $800. plus the cost of moving Tim twice)
Speaking of the house.... I still own it. I'm about to try a last ditch effort to get it to sell... I just really can't afford to have it on my plate anymore... which has been making for some ridiculously stressed out sleepless nights. If I get one more call from the realtor telling me that some couple really liked the house, but simply cannot live without central air conditioning I'm gonna lose my ever-lovin' shit. (cost: about $150,000. and rising...)
The computer for the shop died last week. I came into work on a Saturday to find it wouldn't boot. After 3 hours on the phone with Dell (cost: $50 for them to talk to me) it was determined that my operating system needed to be reinstalled. I was told to take the computer to Best Buy and have the hard disk backed up (cost: $200). I got the computer back three days later (cost: negative god only knows in lost sales at the shop) and spent another 8 (no lie) hours on the phone with Dell in which we tried everything they could think of to get it back up and running, only to have this nice man in India tell me that I had to buy a new computer. Which I did (cost: $500.). So, I try to reinstall Quick Books Point of Sale on the new computer, which isn't working ---- at which point, another nice man in India working for Quick Books tells me that the guys at Best Buy forgot to nab one file, the one that held ALL the info about my shop.... and that I should go back to Best Buy and have them retrieve it. Which I do. But see -- during that 8 hour call with the first nice man in India -- my hard disk was completely erased. *poof* So ---- not only did that little ordeal cost me about $800 (plus all the software I need to have replaced) -- I lost the entire history of the store. All the stock info, sales, tax stuff ----- all of it gone. Just. Like. That. I have since made peace with this whole situation, reentered all of the stock into the brand new computer and am starting from scratch. I'll let the accountant sort out the aftermath at tax time.
It's College World Series time in Omaha -- 12 days when the majority of the people who live in this city abandon its downtown to crowds of college athletes and fans from across the country. As luck would have it -- I had an opening scheduled for last night, to which no one came because they were avoiding the chaos of the Old Market. (cost: I don't really even want to think about it)
Whatever money I had stashed away for the new gallery is gone, mainly swallowed up by the computer breakdown. It needs to open in 6 weeks and I have nothing, nada to get it built with.

It has been a nasty ass run of days. I have been in a horrible mood -- barely talking to anyone (including Tim), just going home and sitting on my porch, watching fireflies and SERIOUSLY contemplating climbing into my car and driving like a bat outta hell to someplace (ANYplace) else.

So this morning, I woke up and decided to try and take back my life a bit. I need to break this bad luck cycle somehow, because the constant stress of it is taking a serious toll on me. I'm not sleeping, or seeing my friends, or laughing a lot these days. I've kinda had enough.

Here's the game plan:

I'm calling the bank holding my mortgage next week and asking if they would be open to a short sale on the house. If they refuse, I'm pretty much going to tell them that they can have it and deal with the fall out. I've tried to refinance it (no equity) I've tried to apply for assistance programs (I don't make enough money to qualify -- funny, don'tcha think?) I understand (all too well) the consequences of walking away from it... but after talking with a lot of people, have come to realize that it's not the end of the world. I have my business, and a place to live, and if I want to buy a house -- or, well, anything else requiring decent credit -- in the next seven years, I will get someone to help me or I will go without. The house needs to go away.... period. I need to stop thinking about the stigma, stop seeing it as a failure, stop thinking about what the neighbors will say. And, not that it makes it any better, but I'm (obviously -- altho I've been feeling like the only person on the planet coping with this) not the only person dealing with this right now... 321,480 homes went into foreclosure last month -- that one in every 400 homes. Shit's fucked up.

This isn't the end of the world. Even if it feels like it might be.

The money for the gallery.... I'm going to try to borrow it from friends. I will do as much of the labor as I can on my own, and hopefully only have to pay for materials and the work (like framing and hanging the drywall) that I can't do myself. The gallery needs to open on August 7th... and that's all there is to it. I need to get it done. I hate the idea of having to ask for help, I'm bad at it.... Okay, maybe worse than bad -- I don't do it. Ever. But that also needs to change.

Just making those two decisions made me feel so much better! Then I came into work to find emails from two artists who I've been trying to book for exhibits in the gallery, Lisa Congdon and Martha Rich -- two artists I adore. Both of them accepted my invitation to show at Pulp next year! When I got the email from Martha, I actually felt my tummy swoon..... this is a huge step forward for the gallery -- and I'm thrilled to bits about both exhibits!

Things are going to get better. I know that -- they are. I just need to be patient and ride this out -- without cutting myself off from the people who love me and hiding my head in the sand. I think that I feel better today because I'm moving forward... albeit in this odd, slow, lurching overweight one legged dog way. Whatever! Fuck that! I'm moving!

........ and hopefully, (please god, pretty, pretty please!) I'll stumble across a bit more luck along the way.

A Bit of Pastry Paranoia

2009-05-29T17:53:00.004-05:00

Okay ------ super quick post for today.

I forgot to mention what Item No. 3 on the Great Big List of Stresses is this week --- and lord knows I'd hate to leave you hangin'.

I have been invited to a dinner party on Sunday..... not something I would usually stress over, but this isn't the usual dinner party. Please excuse my vagueness -- I'll fill in the details later (promise) -- but the dinner is being cooked by two of (in my humble opinion) Omaha's most interesting chefs, Tim will be putting his years at Buvette to the test by choosing the wines for the evening .......... and I will be taking care of dessert.

I'll admit that I'm super nervous about baking for the chefs ------ but I'm more so freaking out about baking for the HOSTS. I feel like it's kind of a big deal for me to be invited to this thing.... on a few levels.

SoOoOooOo ----- I've been spending WAY too much time trying to sort out what to bake. Part of the problem is that I'm having trouble figuring out what would work with the main course -- which is lamb -- because, despite my middle eastern background, I tend to only eat lamb if it's on something from Amsterdam Falafel. If any of my pastry producing friends would like to chime in on this one ----- I'm completely open to suggestions.

Oh! And in other news: I've finally unearthed the cord for the camera (hooray!) so there will be photos of the new space -- and everything else happening in my life -- coming super soon.

The Great Big List of Stresses

2009-05-28T18:27:00.003-05:00

One would think that manning the store for nine hours a day would provide me with ample opportunity to keep this lil' blog updated in a somewhat timely manner ------- but, obviously, that's not how things have been working out over here.

In my defense -- I was SILLY sick last week. Everyone kept trying to convince me that I'd finally been blessed with allergies at the age of 38, but I really think it was a case of the flu... I started out with a sore throat and ran through every flu symptom out there. I'm feeling a lot better this week --- just a stuffy nose and a cough that seems to be fading fast, but last week ---- I wasn't good for much of anything but working and sleeping.

Besides the sick bits --- the past couple of weeks have been as crazy as ever. My sister's visit was a great one -- we really needed to spend some time together -- and I feel like that weekend made things a whole lot better between us.

The next show, Stephen Azevedo's, opened in the gallery and went wonderfully well! Over 1/3 of the work sold and the opening was manageable and fun. I will not be doing the private preview again -- unless it's huge show or special occasion -- it was mostly friends and family that came out for that -- which was great, but a lot of extra work. It was basically cramming two openings into one week -- which is one and a half more openings than I have the emotional ability to deal with *grin*

Things have been going well at the shop -- the first month in The Market has been great -- sales are......... well, I'm making sales, every day, which is a far cry from how I was doing in Benson. the only down bit is that I'm still playing catch up from the move and have been able to put aside VERY LITTLE (read: almost nothing) for the build out of the 2nd (still unnamed) gallery space. This is quickly becoming a problem and tops the running list of stresses that I fret about for those nine hours instead of writing. I have shows booked in that space for the rest of the year, beginning in August.... and am quickly approaching panic mode about getting the space finished in time.

And then there's the house. I still own it. Item No. 2 on the Great Big List of Stresses. Ugh.

I just realized that I forgot to write about this before, but last month when I told Tim that I needed to sell the house, he suggested (without missing a beat) that we get a place together. I told him that he needed to think that over a bit, to which he replied that he had been thinking it over......... for months. He was just waiting on me to realize that I had to let the house go {There's a whole other post here about how fuckin' amazing this man is and how insanely fortunate I am to have him in my life -- but I won't go off on that tangent right now. But, believe you me -- it's long over due and coming soon}.

Long ass story made super short ----- after looking at several ~~shit boxes~~ apartments (each of which just made me feel worse and worse about leaving my house) I took Tim over to the old Mercer Mansion, where I had lived for the first two year I spent in Omaha before running off to Seattle. There's an apartment available in the house, which Tim and I fell madly in love with, so my life in Omaha has oddly come full circle, and I'm moving back in. I'm actually really excited about moving back to the Mansion, I'm still great friends with the family who run and live there, and they're thrilled I'm coming back, the apartment is gorgeous -- and the thought of starting this next bit in my time with Tim makes me down right giddy.

I have to admit ----- moving in with Tim, and moving back to that house is making selling the house feeling a lot less shitty. I have my good days and bad days about it ---- but I'm getting used to the idea of not having it. The letting go has been really hard for me.

Anyways -- The tricky bit is that we can move into the apartment right now, but I still have the house. I'm not completely freaking out about that just yet -- but I'm getting there. My friend (and soon to be Jesuit priest) Paul suggested that I bury a St. Joseph in the yard..... I'd never heard of such a thing, but at this point, will try just about anything to be done with this. So, the other night, Tim and I buried a little St. Joseph upside down in the yard................. honestly folks, whatever it takes.

So, these days -- when I'm not at work --- I've been helping cram Tim's life into boxes and dreading the fact that, starting this weekend, we have to start trying to cram my life into boxes. How did I acquire SOoOoOoooOoOOoOOoOOo much stuff in three years?

Don't answer that.

I'm already desperately trying to brainstorm on how I can fit a 2000 sq. ft house worth of stuff into a two bedroom apartment..... along with Tim's stuff and two cats.

This would be Item No. 4 on the Great Big List of Stresses. Item No. 3 is trying to figure out why it's taking the SciFi Channel so damn long to release of the last season of Battlestar Galactica on DVD.

JUST KIDDING!
That's really Item No. 10

The 3/50 Project

2009-05-08T15:19:00.005-05:00

This morning, I came into work and found a bit of goodness in my InBox from one of the artists I stock at the shop, the lovely Amy -- from Art School Girl in Chicago. It was a note about this initiative called The 3/50 Project ----- and it got me thinking a lot about the way I spend my shopping dollars (er, um... you know, when I have shopping dollars).

In a nutshell ---- the goal is to get people to pick three beloved small businesses in their community and spend $50 between them each month to help keep them up and running. Which I (being the owner of such an establishment) think is a pretty good (read: fuckin' awesome) idea!

But it also made me realize how living in Omaha has pulled me away from supporting as many mom & pop shops as I should be. I realized that, when I lived in NYC and Seattle -- I pretty much ONLY shopped at independently owned businesses and ate at locally owned restaurants. But, since I've been here, that's not really the case --- and I'd like to change that.

There's something about Omaha -- maybe it's the driving culture? -- that's caused me to duck into Target or Baker's or Home Depot or whatever for the things I buy each month. Granted --- there are some things I need to go to those spots for (I'm not even sure if Omaha has a non-chain hardware store anymore) but I would like to make more of an effort to funnel my money into businesses that need my business to survive and thrive....... just like I need all those folks still buying computer generated cards at the WallMart to get a clue and shop at Pulp.

So ------- I'm gonna challenge myself to patronize as many independently run shops/restaurants/farmers markets as I possibly can from now on... only buying things that I cannot get elsewhere with the big time chains. I know that the 3/50 project emphasises supporting brick & mortars -- but I'm leaving my quest open to independant businesses -- period. Because I would much rather try to buy fabric from Purl in NYC, than the JoAnn Fabrics on Center Street.

Yeah, I know it's gonna cost me a bit more to nab my groceries from Patrick's... but I really think it's worth it if it keeps those shops around and maybe inspires someone else to open a spot of their own. I'm actually pretty interested in seeing how this little experiment works out.... I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Oh! ...... and if anyone does happen to know of any indie hardware stores in Omaha, I'd love the scoop!

A Few (F*cked Up) Financial Facts o' Life

2009-05-07T12:26:00.005-05:00

Let's have a show of hands, folks...

Ever have one of those days (or, um weeks? months?) where you kinda feel like life's just bitch slappin' your ass all over the place? If you could see me right now, you'd find me jumping up and down with both hands in the air.... the past few weeks have been T.O.U.G.H. ones for me.... and sadly, for lots of other friends near and far who seem to be struggling through their own barrage of life blows.

I've basically just spent the past couple of weeks trying like hell to get my finances straight after having the shop closed for the three weeks it took to build out the new space and move. Those weeks that I was down meant that I basically had an income of ZERO for about a month --- which fucked my shit up. Royally.

I've been living on the generosity of the people who love me... if it wasn't for Tim, I wouldn't be eating. Actually, if it wasn't for Tim -- I wouldn't be doing a lot of things, like um... coping. I need things to get right -- like, right now. I owe way too many kind people money, which just makes me feel frantic all the time. I've always been able to take care of myself, so this bit of money madness is hitting me hard.

Things are getting better, just super slowly. The shop is doing SO well downtown -- I've got a steady flow of customers, and am actually making money everyday, which was not really the case out in Benson. The wrench in my works right now is that I need to raise some serious cash -- above and beyond what I need to just exist -- so that I can start construction on the new gallery space. I have shows booked starting in July -- which is RIGHT around the corner. I can't host another fundraiser, because this community just finished saving my ass -- so I spend my days brainstorming on ways to raise what I need, but as of yet, I'm at a complete loss.

I'm trying to have faith that it will all come together ----- I just don't have a clue how that's going to happen.

In other (not so great) news... I put my house on the market last week.

I think this has been what's been bringing me down more than anything. I LOVE my home... I bought that house all by myself, and it was a huge (giant, massive) accomplishment for me. So many wonderful things have happened there, it's where I've spent my days surrounded by friends... it's where I wanted to raise my family. It sounds silly, but since I made the decision (a.k.a faced the fact that I simply cannot afford it) to sell it --- I honestly feel like I've been in some strange state of mourning. That sounds so silly to say, but it's true.

I cannot keep it. And, if I'm being 100% honest with myself -- I probably should have sold it when I opened the business. I've been hustling my ass off to hold it all together for the past year. Been pretty much paying two mortgages, two sets of utility bills, two sets of everything on a fraction of the money I was making when this whole thing got started. Insane.

I've thought about getting roommates -- but really, I don't want to live with a house full of people at this point in my life. And -- even with them -- I still wouldn't be able to afford to fix it up -- hell, I can barely afford to heat it! And --- the worst bit is... since the shop opened, all I really get to do there is sleep. I'm never there... keeping it makes no sense at all.

But even though I know that ---- leaving it still makes something in my heart ache.

These days, I spend my time being ridiculously depressed about having to let it go --- and panicking that it might not sell. It's got some issues... it's old and doesn't have central air (which seems like a silly little thing, but apparently, in Omaha, it's not for most people). I saw the glory in that old space --- but others may not and in all honestly, I can't afford -- financially, but even more so, emotionally -- to have it sit on the market for months on end. I hate the whole process... I loathe the sign in the yard, I hate knowing that people walk through it every day. I hate the whole big, ugly thing.

Things have been sucking, my friends... and I know I should have called several of you with these bits of info -- but I haven't really been wanting to talk about it. I'm working on getting over that. Promise.

There some glimmery, golden bits in all of this. In an odd way, I'm kind of excited about purging a bit -- getting rid of all the things I don't really need -- and starting over someplace. I'm excited about not having to hustle so hard every month, about being able to survive on what I make at the shop.... about maybe having some money left over to travel or um... feed myself *grin*.

There are good things happening and I'm trying super hard to focus on them and feel better about all of this. But it's tricky. I figure writing about it is one giant step towards getting all healed up -- right? Right.

Besides, the next week is going to be so insane that I won't have time to wallow. My sister gets into town on Saturday and is here til Tuesday. Wednesday -- I have my first Old Market Gallery Crawl to get through, after which I need to take the current show down -- pack it up and the repaint the gallery. Thursday, I have to hang the next show, for which I'm hosting a private preview for that evening. Friday -- the regular opening... and Saturday I get to meet Tim's entire extended family for the first time at his mother's/brother's day-long graduation ceremony/celebration.

Sometimes, being so busy that you don't have time to breath is a good thing.

Back in the Game Again

2009-04-21T17:20:00.006-05:00

OoOoOoOoOoOh hello there! Remember me? Your favorite sassy lil' shopkeeper whose life exploded last month causing her to fall off the face of the earth for six weeks? That's me! So nice of you to stop by again......

Things have been bat, bat, BATshit my lovely constant reading friends, crazier than I could ever begin to explain -- but phase one (more on that in a bit) of my great big move downtown is done and I'm still standing (just barely -- but whateves!)

The new space opened last Friday and I have to admit, I *love* it a million times more than I loved the old one. I'm super proud of the way it turned out and will post some photos as soon as I can remember where I stashed the camera cable.

But I should back up --- I've been gone so long, I'd forgotten some of the bits I need to bring you up to date on.

The fundraiser that I held last month to pay off the horrible landlord of my last space was not just successful ---- it was a full on BRILLIANT night. I had a line of people outside the shop waiting for the doors to open at 7pm --- and then it was just utter chaos for two hours straight. By the time the dust cleared -- I had made enough money to not just put a dent in what I owed PJ Morgan --- but to pay them off completely! OoOooooooh yes! It's true!

The dance party at The Waiting Room was a blast -- just tons of great soul food and music -- dancing all night long. Tim (and Tim) were wonderful DJs and everyone had a great time. Making the evening 100 times more amazing was the fact that Maria and the family drove up for a few days for the event.

Lemme tell you ----- I have NEVER been so completely overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of others. That night -- when I got home and put my exhausted ass to bed, I cried like a baby. I just couldn't believe how it all worked out.

Anywho ------- I paid them off and left Benson behind me (business-wise, at least) -- and have spent the past month turning the new space around. Of course ---- it went right down to the wire -- I was painting right up til the night before the opening on Friday -- but the only thing that matters now is that it got down and looks great.

The rest of it, I'm working on blocking out. Trust me, it's for the best.

The opening on Friday was pure chaos... not in a good way tho. It was so packed in here that no one could see the art, the stock.... um, me -- nothing. Everyone seemed to be having a great time, but no one was buying *anything* and I was on the verge of a social anxiety panic attack for three hours straight. I'm thinking of ways to tweak those events so that they aren't like that -- ever again. I know people in the space are good, but not that many. No thanks.

The crazy opening aside -- I'm really loving the new space. There are some odd things I'm getting used to -- like being underground all day (I miss the sun!) and the tourists (I think they deserve their own post tho).

So ------- remember how earlier I said that phase one of my work was done? Well, lemme tell you about PHASE TWO (drum roll, please!): this summer I'll be opening a SECOND gallery space in the Old Market! SoOoOo crazy, but true!!! I was able to lease the space right next door to Pulp (they're connected by a doorway) and once I can raise enough money to get it fixed up, it will be a separate contemporary art space where I'll be able to show everything I'd like to show that's not made of paper!

Granted, I have no idea how I'm going to staff it, or what the hell to call it (I am open to all suggestions) but it's an *amazing* opportunity. I have to admit, I'm super nervous about the whole thing ---- that's 24 shows a year to pull off... it feels overwhelming thinking about it -- but IF I can do it, and do it well (which deep down inside, I really believe I can), it's going to be stellar.

So, yeah ---- that's the super abbreviated version of the past six weeks. There's lots more going on, but I'll leave all that for other posts.... lots going on these days, including an upcoming visit from my sister, the official start of tourism craziness in the Old Market, the beginning of the Farmer's Market, Berkshire Hathaway, and, um -- George Clooney Mania. He's filming a movie down here next week and you can smell the celeb stalkin' chaos in the air already.

May's going to be interesting. Really, really interesting. I'll be sure to keep you posted on the madness. Promise.

Reminded.

2009-03-06T18:31:00.004-06:00

It's been such a good day ........

I woke up late and didn't even care... I spent an extra 10 minutes that I didn't have to spare just lying in bed, watching the sun peek brightly through the curtains all tangled up with Tim -- feeling this absolute, utter joy lying there nestled in his arms. Heaven.

I drove to work with the windows down -- it was in the 60s and *gorgeous* here today -- the birds were singing and it felt like Spring might just really finally be here....

Got to the shop, cracked open the email and was completely blown away but what was waiting for me -- no nasty bits from the landlord, no angry rants --- just wonderful emails filled with kind and wonderful words!

Last week ---- I had agreed to be interviewed for this film being made to open a day-long networking event for "young professionals" happening at the local convention center. My first reaction when asked was immediately to say "No thank you" --- I have some issues with being photographed/filmed/looked at ---- whatever. But realized that it was great promotion for the business -- so finally agreed.

The event happened yesterday (funny aside -- I couldn't afford to go and didn't get to see the film beforehand) -- and I came into work today to find several emails waiting for me from people who attended the event and felt INSPIRED by the little things I had to say.

Inspired.

The man they sent to film me, Ben, was super nice -- and we talked a lot about the business... and when he was done, I thanked him for his time and questions because they really made me THINK about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

It reminded me of the fact that -- even though I'm broke as shit, freaking out about the house and shop and, well, everything -- that I'm doing what I want to be doing -- and making it work. Everyday I open the doors is another day that I've gotten to live out this crazy ass dream of mine.

And that's the best feeling in the whole wide world.

You can watch the video at the link below. Once I stopped being overwhelmed by watching myself -- I listened to what I was actually saying ---- and it was just the reminder I needed. I'm lucky and blessed and so very fortunate to be where I am right now. My life is BEYOND amazing... no matter how broke and scared and stressed out I might feel from time to time --- when I step back and look at the big picture, it's pretty fuckin' perfect.

I just needed to be reminded........

http://www.viddler.com/explore/siliconprairie/videos/40

Sugar-Free for Seven

2009-03-05T16:47:00.004-06:00

I was raised Catholic... have an Orthodox Catholic mother, went to Catholic school right through college -- it's basically in my bones. I don't go to church any longer, and am the first to get all hot & bothered discussing church doctrine -- but I can still say mass in my sleep --- and every year, I try to give a little something up for lent. It's just what I do.

So this year ----- I decided to go balls out and challenge the hell outta myself and give up sugar. Nope, that's not a typo --- I'm trying to lay off the sweet stuff for 40 long ass days. No muffins, scones, cookies, cake, pie or pastry. No candy. No (*deep sigh*)chocolate. No treats at all.

Those of you who know me well know that this is completely batshit. I LOVE treats ---I mean, Really?!? I'm a pastry chef!! I've been baking every week for-just-about-ever... so not touching sugar for 40 days is HUGE for me. Borderline ridiculous.

But -------- all that said. I've made it through seven whole days -- without cheating once! Even last night at Buvette when someone put a huge slice of blueberry tart in front of me... I sat on my hands and didn't have a crumb. I'm pretty proud of myself.... I don't think I've ever gone this long without something sweet...

Besides lent, a huge part of my trying to avoid the sweetness is that it's hand down my go to when I'm stressed out.... and kiddies -- I haven't been this stressed out in a LONG, long time. Things with the landlord at the shop are just stupid at this point... I can barely stand to be here these days. This month, with the move and everything related to it, has been getting under my skin. It would totally be my MO to just binge like no body's business to get me through this --- so denying myself that out is really just an attempt at self-preservation.

It's this --- or buying a new wardrobe so that I can leave the house come April. And, ummmm.... I can't afford to do that -- or much of anything else -- right now.

I'm doing all right tho ---- it's not as impossible as I thought it would be. The really tricky bit is the knowledge that some time within the next few weeks, several boxes of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies are gonna enter the picture.......................... I'm not sure I have the strength to be in their presence. Their chocolatey, minty, crispy, sweet presence.

OoOooOoooh my goodness. Okay. Moving on..........

The Sugar-Freeness also applies to how I've been feeling for the past few weeks. I've been lacking a bit in the happy department these days... I've just been feeling really angry and bitter about the situation at the shop. Things hit a boiling point for me yesterday:

I had created a FaceBook event page for the fundraiser... and some guy posted an all out rant about it on the wall. His opening line was "I think this is a bit absurd." He then went on to say that I'm taking advantage of starving artists for my own personal gain. That I'm being "exploitative and misleading" by calling the event a fundraiser because I'm not a charity -- that the money's just all going in my pocket and that "If you're looking to do some good by donating charitably to a good cause, then this is not it."

I know that I'm ubber sensitive these days --- but this post just broke my heart a little. I felt horrified that anyone would EVER think these things about me. Asking for help has been the hardest thing I've ever done... and this guy just.... *sigh* it doesn't matter. That's my point --- I need for it to not matter to me.

Last night, I decided to just let it all go. The post, the landlord, the financial fears, all of it. It is what it is --- and all I can do is try to raise the money needed to make it better. If people look down upon me for that --- that's their bag of shit to bear -- I can't make everyone happy.

So I've vowed to focus on the silver lining in the shit storm. For every one person who's been horrible, twenty-five have been generous beyond belief. The new store will be lovely and do so much better downtown, and when it's all said and done, I'll still be standing.

So --- instead of binging on the sweetness of sugary things -- I'm going to let myself revel in the sweetness of the loved ones, friends and customers who care about the shop, and me and what I'm trying to do over here. I'm going to stop just saying "It'll all be okay" and start believing it......

And since Easter and the opening of the new space (wondrously!) happen at the same time, you best believe that I'll be celebrating everything with tons and tons of both sweetnesses!

....SideNote.................
Okay --- one last bit about the treats. My friend Jackie just turned me onto this blog called cannelle et vanille which is just beyond amazing. The writer, Aran, is a pastry chef and food stylist/photographer --- so the recipes and images are wonderful. I have a feeling I'll be trying her recipes out way before Easter rolls around and giving the goods away --- I just can't resist tackling them!

Seething

2009-02-24T14:26:00.008-06:00

I don't get angry. Not really.... ever. I'm prone to a once a year balls out fit of fury which I'm usually able to work out by spending 30 minutes playing on the swings at the park -- or, if that fails, with a pint of some sort of chocolate-based ice cream goodness. But I'm never angry for long -- it's just not me.

There's massive amounts of bullshit involved with my moving the shop downtown that's causing me to feel angry pretty much all the time these days, and it's really starting to break me down. It's gotten to the point where just BEING in my current shop makes me feel furious. I just want to take a sledge hammer to the walls and floor every time I walk in the door...... I'm full of piss & vinegar these days -- and I hate it.

I touched on this in an earlier post --- but in a nutshell, it is my opinion that my current landlord is a horrible, heartless person. I think I signed a lease, that in hindsight, I probably should not have signed -- and these people are workin' it and making me pay through the nose to get out of here.

It's a nightmare.

When I took possession of this storefront, it looked like this:

These days, it looks like this:

Everytime someone new walks in the door, they tell me how beautiful this store is. And I have paid -- or am about to pay for everything that happened to bring it to this point. I have put thousands and thousands of dollars and countless hours of manual labor into this space. I cleaned it, I bought and laid every tile on the floor, I finished the drywall, the ceiling, the lights, the paint --- every bit of it, I made it happen.

There were a few things that needed to be done in the space that I couldn't do myself -- like building 12 feet high walls of drywall and installing the ceiling, building a wall to hide the furnace... things that had to happen so I could move in -- not things to make it prettier -- but things that should have been done ages ago. The property managers paid to have that work done -- and I've been paying them back for it ever since.

Now ---- in order for me to leave this space and move downtown so my business can not just grow, but survive, I have to pay them back THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of dollars to finish paying off the work I needed to have done to the space so that it could open in the first place.

It's horrible and feels unfair and is breaking my heart -- but it's all completely legal (believe me, my lovely lawyer's been all over the lease). In a nutshell -- I should not have signed the lease. But, I really wanted this space, really wanted Pulp to be... and I wasn't expecting there to be NO foot traffic in this neighborhood, or to land a spot in the Old Market a year after I opened -- I've learned my lesson, but it's costing me (quite literally)everything I have. Actually -- that's a lie, since I currently only have a fraction of what I have to give them before I can leave them with this beautiful ready to rent space.

I asked the property manager if I could work out some sort of payment arrangement with the owner ----- I'm not even fighting them about paying it back, just asking for a bit of time to make it happen. I was told that the owner feels he's been "gracious" enough by adding the clause to my lease which is allowing me to leave after a year. Gracious. Really?!??!? So --- not only do I have to pay them a fucking ridiculous amount of money -- I have five weeks to do it in. Meanwhile ---- I need to come up with a bit of fundage so that I can actually improve and move into the new space. It's craziness.

I honestly hate them. I loathe the entire lot of them -- and this store, and the feeling is all consuming.

I am trying SO very hard to focus on the good in this.... my shop will soon be in an amazing neighborhood, I'll have customers and company and the potential to be profitable. I'm still here -- and making money in an economy that's killing small businesses left and right. And -- most importantly.... I am surrounded by a community that supports what I'm trying to do here and has been generous beyond my wildest hopes.

I'm having a fund raiser next month to try and put a dent in what I owe. I reached out to all the artists I know and asked them to donate a piece of work -- which I will sell during a huge $100 art sale on March 19th. The response from the arts community has completely blown my mind. I have over 30 people willing to give me work, some giving me more than one piece ---- including work from artists I barely know who heard about what's happening and contacted ME about helping out.

The same night -- after the sale -- my friend Jim is letting me use his club across the street, The Waiting Room Lounge, to host a Soul Review dance party. Tim and my friend Tim McEvoy are going to spin old school soul music all night long, my friends Rob & Rene - who own Dixie Quicks - are going to make some food to sell, and I think I can get enough ladies to bake so that there can be a bit of a bake sale too. The event will cost $5/$7 to get in and I'll get to keep most of the money made at the door... it's not going to pay off what they're asking for, but at this point, every little bit is a huge help.

I'm gonna call the event (he)Art & Soul: A Funky Lil' Fundraiser for PULP... it works because of the art and soul music bit --- but I picked it because that's really what I've put into this space... and --- maybe even most importantly -- what I refuse to let the assholes who own it take away from me.

*grin* I think just writing that last bit made me feel a little bit better. I really just need to hunker down and get through this month.... it's all going to be all right. I've faced bigger challenges than this ---- they just may not have hurt so badly.

I just have to find something to do with all this anger so that I can stand to be at work for the next month. I know that sounds silly, folks, sadly -- it feels anything but.

Maybe I should make hittin' the park and playing on the swings a mandatory part of my morning routine for a few weeks....... that, or I could just start living at the e-Creamery.

mmmmmmmmmm................. yeah, I'll stick with the swingin'.

Thirty-Eight Things To Do Before I'm Thirty-Nine

2009-02-13T19:09:00.005-06:00

Not sure why ---- but I've been spending a lot of time thinking about age this week. It might be because I just got some email regarding my 20th high school reunion... or the fact that I'll be 40 next year --- which seems crazy to even think about... or maybe it had to do with the fact that my boyfriend's best friend turned twenty-five this week. Twenty-five. Fuck.

Anyways ---- I wrote up my little list of goals for this year, but forgot to post it during the never ending madness disguised as December, so I'm doin' it now. I think it's a good one, there's a bit of carry over from last year's list... a few things that I didn't do that I really should do before my next birthday rolls around.

I'm excited to take on these to-dos --- and excited to see what these last couple years of thirty-dom have in store for me. I don't feel the least bit freaked out by 40... it seems like every decade that passes is 100 times better than the one before it -- which means nothing but galaxy-sized goodness is waiting for me when 2010 rolls around.

(fingers crossed... suuuuuuper tight)

.....................................

1. ~~go camping and fishing~~
2. take a road trip through the south
3. catch the sandhill crane migration
4. start a monthly “sunday supper” potluck dinner
5. find a free piano for the house
6. ~~buy more vinyl~~
7. redo the pulp website (online shopping!)
8. read three non-fiction books
9. volunteer at least six times
10. spend more time with my family
11. ~~make a fancy french dessert~~
12. eat at the sudanese spot on saddlecreek
13. reach out to amanda
14. ~~visit minneapolis~~
15. ~~grow my mixed girl ‘fro back~~
16. plant poppies in the yard
17. ride my bike
18. read alice in wonderland
19. ~~learn about cheese~~
20. find a vintage camera and start taking photos again
21. ~~have a picnic~~
22. watch a parade
23. ~~seriously look into the possibility of opening a 2nd gallery~~
24. stop using plastic bags -- completely
25. ~~explore more~~
26. make doughnuts
27. grow a great garden
28. ~~right a wrong~~
29. make a gingerbread house
30. ~~give up sugar for 30 days~~
31. win at poker night
32. ~~celebrate~~
33. build bookcases for “the library”
34. pick apples
35. ~~learn to say “no” (sometimes…)~~
36. go ice skating
37. knit a sweater
38. write something and have it published

Movin' On Up to the East Side

2009-02-11T18:04:00.010-06:00

So, I've got a bit of big news to share... the Omaha folks have probably all heard the scoop by now, but I haven't had a chance to write about it yet... come this Spring, I'll be moving Pulp downtown to The Old Market! For those of you who haven't been to Omaha --- it's basically this historic district on the east side of town filled with shops, hotels and restaurants... and, um, best of all PEOPLE!!!

The new space is in a building called The Passageway -- it's this beautiful space with lots of great spots to shop and eat ... plus there are three other galleries in the building -- which makes me so very happy! The photo shows what the space looks like when you walk into the main entrance --- my shop will be on the lower level towards the back on the left side.... it's just a gorgeous place.

This is a HUGE ASS step forward for the shop and gallery... people walk this neighborhood all the time, there are lots of tourists in the summer and I'll be exposed to a whole new group of customers.

New new spot is a bit smaller than the current location ---- I'm giving up my high ceilings and windows --- but I think it will work out perfectly with a few tweaks. It won't require nearly as much work as I put into this place.

Speaking of which, I wish that all the news about the move was good.... there's a massive pile o' shit in my way -- but I'm trying REALLY hard to not let it bring me down. before I can leave my current space -- I have to pay the landlord a RIDICULOUS amount of money for improvements that I made on the space before I moved in. This is above and beyond the thousands of dollars I spent on the floors and lights -- and the time I spent busting my ass in here.

The space was gutted when I moved in.... remember? I'm paying for the walls and ceiling and -- well, everything. So I have to sort out a way to make the money I need to pay them back in two months --- while having enough money to fix the new space and make the move happen in April.

Needless to say -------------- I've been a little freaked out about all of this.

I gave myself a couple of weeks to wallow --- but I'm picking my shit up, dustin' it off and trying to find a way to make all this happen. I'm brain storming about some serious fundraising events I can do next month... and seeing how much of the work on the new space can be done by friends. I refuse to let the money keep me from making this happen........ I need to move the store so that it can prosper. That's all there is to it.

So yeah ----- things are about to get crazy again on this end.... feels a little like deja vu right back to where I was 14 months ago -- but I know that if I can hold things together til April --- it's going to be *amazing*

......................................................................

SideNote: I (rather obviously) redid the blog this week. I had been planning to tweak it a bit this year -- but the real reason behind the change is that the old white on black version made my friends Paul and Mark feel like they were gonna have a seizure when they read it. Not good. I hope the new version doesn't make anyone physically ill!

Non-Stop for Ninety

2009-02-04T12:53:00.006-06:00

To be completely honest ----- I'm not even really sure what the hell I've been up to for the past few months. The time just seemed to blow past me after the election --- I was sitting here this morning and realized that it had been months since I took time to write.... silliness.

I feel like 95% of the past 90 days has been about little things --- but here's the scoop on the main bits which will bring us nicely up to date and ready to roll again:

November
Thanksgiving ended up being one of the best I've had --- despite the fact that the week started out with me completely freaking out. I was expecting my mom and sister to come to Omaha -- they arrived on Wednesday and stayed through Saturday. What I (or anyone else for that matter) wasn't expecting was for my dad to get into his car on Tuesday morning and drive to Omaha --- without telling anyone he was doing it. Yeeeeeaaaah.

So, I'm at work on Tuesday afternoon and I get a call from my dad telling me he's in my driveway. And I sort of lost my shit.

The house was a disaster zone... I hadn't done any of my Thanksgiving supper shopping... but the real reason I lost it was because my parents haven't been in the same house for more than three hours in over 20 years.... and now they'd be spending the weekend together. Not to mention that I would be spending 24 hours alone with my dad --- which, believe it or not, I'm not sure I had every done before. Ever.

My dad and I have some funky history. It's better now --- but for a LONG time, it wasn't good. Not good at all.

Long story short ---- everything went really well. My parents got along just fine, and despite a few super surreal moments for my sister and I -- I think it was good for them to be together for a bit. They both got to see Pulp for the first time.... and my father told me he was proud of me for the first time in my life.

December
The only way I can describe December is to say that it was completely bat shit from beginning to end. Without a doubt -- I bit off way more than I could possibly chew, but I manage to get it all down in the end.... altho I'm still not really sure how.

My birthday was wonderful.... for lots of reasons, but mainly because it was also Tim's birthday. Yeah -- I know, it's craziness, but we were both born on December 18th. There was a huge ice storm that day -- so the party we planned for that evening turned into a tiny affair -- but he cooked me an amazing dinner of lobster and steak and I made a great carrot cake for dessert and we had some people over (friends who could walk to the house) later for drinks... it was the best day.

The day after was a Third Friday --- and the show that opened in the gallery was the hugest one I've had yet. My friend, Mark Gilbert, an artist from Scotland who'd been living in Omaha for the past couple of years did an exhibit comprised of 110 (nope, that's not a typo -- 110) portraits of students from this really elite all-girl boarding school in England where he'd been working as the Artist in Residence for the summer.

The show was insane ---- hanging it took days, but oh my gawd --- it was a brilliant success! It was the best-selling show I had all year, and everyone loved it. I wished i could have left it up longer --- sitting across from all those faces made me so happy... I discovered new things in the work every day. It was amazing, all the way around.

Christmas was good.... I spent it with Katy's family -- my "Omaha family"... and had a great time, despite being miserably homesick for most of the day. I need to find a way to get back to MI for the holiday this year.... somehow. The sadness I felt about not being home was balanced with the happiness I felt at being able to spend the holiday with Tim --- we ended the day swapping gifts by the tree and drinking champagne at 2am. Perfect.

January
New Year's Eve was spent down at La Buvette -- having supper with Katy and Tim and Steve Azevedo.... and watching my Tim work. It was a good night --- but we really celebrated the New Year on the 1st.... Tim and I cooked a HUGE soul food supper with lots of black-eye peas for luck. Tim fried a ton of chicken and I made all the sides and a red velvet cake -- and we had gobs of people over to start the year with us. It was the best time -- and the perfect way to start the year.

So ---- while I was getting ready for Mark's opening in December -- I was also curating a show at The Bemis Underground based around the visual artists nominated for last year's Omaha Entertainment and Arts Awards. It was basically a huge group show featuring work from about 40 nominees.

The opening was a huge success -- and the exhibit got a lot of traffic... but honestly, getting that show together was ALL consuming... just a crazy amount of time and work. It was wonderful to be able to put it together to give the artists their due recognition -- but, yeah --- without some serious help, I'm not sure I can do it again this year.

I watched the inauguration with Tim ---- made a huge breakfast with mimosas and wept on the sofa. I declared the day a holiday and sat parked in front of the TV all day watching the parade and then went dancing with friends that evening... I still feel like I'm floating from that day. Every time I hear Obama on the radio, I just smile ---- a huge change from the past 8 years where when I heard the former President start to speak -- I would turn the volume down.

So that's the jist of it... well, the big stuff at least. There's also been another road trip through Iowa, another opening in the gallery, birthday parties and new babies (Riley!), financial freak outs, a Lost marathon... followed by a Mad Men marathon... followed by a current Battlestar Galactica marathon (I know... I know...), a slew of poker games, a ridiculously embarassing fall on my face in the street, several trips to the doctor (more on that later), a slide on the ice that fucked up the 'ru a bit, one kick ass almond poppy seed birthday cake for Wanda, a wonderful supper at the new Boiler Room followed by the mother of all hang overs (NEVER mix rum, calvados and wine.... ever!) and lots and lots of happiness.

Genuinely, Proud to be an American

2008-11-06T12:23:00.013-06:00

Oh my goodness. Where to begin......

I couldn't post yesterday. I just felt too overwhelmed and ecstatic to put words together in any way that would do justice to what I've been feeling since Tuesday night. I took the day off yesterday -- declared it a holiday and continued celebrating with Tim -- and even 24 hours after Obama's win, I was still bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. It's been the most amazing couple of days, and I still feel too caught up to talk about it all. I'm at a loss for words..... completely.

What I can say, is that for the very first time in my entire life -- I am proud to be an American. I am proud of my country... and for the first time, I really believe that it is MY country.

I spent Tuesday night watching the election results at La Buvette on a tiny little TV with Tim and a hand full of people -- barely able to speak to anyone as I watched the South go, state by state, to McCain, feeling confident and terrified all at the same time. When Obama got California and won ---- I completely lost my shit. Completely. My phone started ringing and I ran outside to scream and cry with Wanda, my sister Kim, Maria... the calls just kept coming and coming -- everyone just screaming and crying on the other end of the line.

I wept all night long -- great big gobs of tears I didn't even try to hide. Tim and I sat alone at Buvette and watched Obama's speech -- holding hands with tears in our eyes, drinking champagne -- taking it all in. I couldn't go to the celebration at the Hilton, couldn't go to the Slowdown -- I didn't want to be surrounded by drunkenness and noise... it was too big a night for all that.

It was history.

This election had never been about Mr. Obama's racial background for me... the past two years of the campaign have honestly been about the issues and the fact that he is a great man who will be a great leader for this nation.

But Tuesday night ---- Tuesday night really was about race for me.

Tuesday night was about my country electing a President who LOOKS LIKE ME. Whose family looks like my family. Who would be able to relate to what it means to be bi-racial in America, the search for self... all of it. When I see photos of him with his mother, I feel a sense of connection too deep for words. For the first time in my life -- on Tuesday -- I felt this sense of pride and acceptance within myself that I cannot really explain. Like the pain of growing up and not being white enough or black enough, being the mutt, being other... it all just fell silent. For the first time, I can look at someone I truly admire, a person of greatness and good --- the President of our country... and see MYSELF.

Tuesday night was about my realizing that my child will never know a time when it seemed impossible for a person of color to be President. My child will be born to a world where they can see themselves in the GREATNESS of this country... their history will not just be that of slavery and struggle.

Tuesday night was about hearing my 75-year-old father -- who lived under Jim Crow as a boy growing up in Alabama -- cry when the results came in. I called him -- weeping and barely able to speak to find him in tears. Tuesday was the realization of a dream that every person of color in this country grew up with in their hearts -- but never really thought could come true.

Tuesday night was about heros... not just Obama -- but about everyone who supported/worked/fought for him. It was about states like Ohio and Florida -- places where so many people believed in this dream that they changed political history! It was about what we can accomplish as a country if we work together, if we put our differences aside and do what's right.

I am so full of pride and hope and happiness. I have to admit that I've been feeling saddened by the passing of Initiative 424 in Nebraska (banning affirmative action) and Proposition 8 in California (revoking the right to same-sex marriage). We still have so very far to go -- but I feel like the distance has been shortened so very much this week.

I'll be framing my Ticonderoga Laddie No. 2 pencil -- and it will hang with pride in my home, and hopefully in the home of my child, someday. I have never been a patriotic person --- never understood why people fly flags, sing anthems or march in parades. Until today....

For the first time in my 37 years ---- I understand. And it's the very best feeling in the world.

Hope and History

2008-11-04T15:45:00.001-06:00

I'm useless today... absolutely useless.

Today feels like Christmas Eve (circa 1976), the night before I took the SAT, my birthday, the morning I took my driver's test, the day my god daughter Sofi was born, the morning I hit I80 to move to NYC, and the night PULP opened all rolled into one. I feel ecstatic and anxious, thrilled and terrified all at the same time... and it's almost more than I can bear.

I haven't written about the election here --- mainly because every time I start thinking about it, I feel like I'm on the verge of having a massive panic attack. This feeling's been growing by leaps and bounds over the past few months --- and now that it's finally Election Day, I can do little more than sit at my desk and obsessively refresh CNN.com in hopes that there will be some new shred of information.

This past weekend, I came home from a birthday party early on Sunday morning, to discover that someone had gone up both sides of my very democratic block and knocked down/destroyed every Obama yard sign. I think that was officially my breaking point... I was running from yard to yard at 2am, in tears, desperately trying to piece those signs back together again -- when the magnitude of this election settled on me. Everything changes today... everything! One way or the other, we'll be waking up to a new country tomorrow and I am overwhelmed by what that will mean.

I truly believe that today might be one of the most important days -- if not THE most important day of my life -- of all our lives... it's really that huge.

I went to vote first thing this morning... and I was, honestly, shaking while I stood on line. When I was done (and after I had a spell of mind-blowing OCD that forced me to check my ballot 20 times in this crazy ass fear that I may have accidentally voted for McCain) I went to turn my ballot in and this older black woman was collecting them.... I leaned into her as she went to take the pencil and ballot and asked if I could, please, keep my Ticonderoga Laddie No. 2 pencil. She winked at me and whispered in my ear "Baby, you go right on ahead and take it. I won't tell nobody. You made history with that thing today." I left my polling place in tears..... and am getting weepy all over again just thinking about it.

No doubt about it. Today really is the biggest day of my life.

My Happy Day on Highway 183

2008-11-04T15:06:00.009-06:00

Yesterday -- in an attempt to not sit in front of the computer and obsess about the election all day -- Tim and I jumped in the 'ru and took off on a little road trip through western Iowa. We traveled up through Council Bluffs and hit Small's Fruit Farm in Mondamin, where we stocked up on apples and cider and acorn squash -- then traveled up the Loess Hills Scenic Byway to Pisgah, Moorhead and Mapleton.

We stopped for lunch at Ruth's Sweet Shop and Cafe in Ute -- which may be the strangest place I've ever eaten. The counters where covered in boxes of ancient candy (I bought a jawbreaker for five cents), and the walls were covered with hords of someone's baby photos -- each one enclosed in a ziplock bag... craziness! Then we hit the highway again and went up to Ida Grove -- took a long walk in this great park up there -- drove up to Correctionville, which has the best gas stations in Iowa, and then circled back down.

It really was an amazing day -- the weather was *gorgeous*, I discovered a lot about Iowa, and am now in possession of a pretty awesome stash of apples -- which will be turned into pies this weekend.

A few shots from the trip:

Autumn in New York

2008-10-30T12:03:00.009-05:00

Last week was one of the most wonderful weeks I think I've ever had. My trip back east was a blast -- filled with great friends, food, art and music. I got to see just about everyone and everything I wanted to -- it was SO GREAT to be back in the city with my boys again -- I've missed them all so very much.

And --- it was wonderful spending the whole week exploring the city with Tim. We had the best time -- just being together there was pretty perfect. I didn't take tons of photos -- I always forget about the camera, but here are some highlights from the week:

MONDAY: Tim and I spent the afternoon walking through Central Park and then headed over to The Café Carlyle to see Woody Allen play with the Eddy Davis New Orleans Jazz Band. Okay -- so, this was something I've wanted to do FOREVER... and I kinda still can't believe it finally happened. We sat at the bar and I ate my first oyster while our bartender (also named Tim) threw around a ton of Long Island attitude. The night was *amazing* -- I got to stand this close >< to one of my favorite directors -- I'll remember it forever. ... a fuzzy Woody Allen on the clarinet
TUESDAY: We spent the afternoon at the Met, saw a great exhibit on Race and Identity installed there (spent a huge chunk of time worshipping the Kara Walker piece). We went to SoHo and walked through Dean & Deluca -- bought bits of cheese and bread and sweets... Then we met up with Paul and his girlfriend, Tara, for supper. This was the first time I'd gotten to meet Tara and it was great... Paul's been one of my best friends for about 10 years now... it made my heart so very happy to see him and Tara together. After supper -- Tim and I headed uptown with my friends Evan and John to see a jazz show at a little spot called Smoke. Lots of laughs and good music... I was SO happy to get to spend time with them.
Evan and Tim at Smoke

WEDNESDAY: Got up and Tim made us breakfast from the stash we'd gotten from Dean & Deluca -- a perfect start to the day. Tim is a bit of a record geek (okay, the "bit" part is a lie -- he's a full on fanatic) -- so we spent the day walking through the Village and Lower East Side going to what felt like 100 record stores (I mean -- it may have just been 10, but whatever!) We had cupcakes at Magnolia... and then headed to the strip of Indian restaurants on 1st Avenue to have supper at Panna II.
The food there is not the greatest -- but the restaurant is one of my favorites in the city -- mainly because of the insane number of christmas lights and crazy ass decorations stuck to every surface -- and the chaos of the staff. Eating there is an adventure, perhaps even a little dangerous --- like, there's this constant threat of being burned my a sizzling plate of food as the waiters squeeze past your table, or the threat of one of those stands of lights shorting out and catching the whole place on fire -- or that the always slightly angry staff will have a knife fight or something. Needless to say.... I love it there.

After supper, Tim and I met up with an old friend of his -- and we were met by my sweetest friend, Shane -- which made me supper happy.

THURSDAY: Chelsea Day -- had lunch and a cup of hot chocolate crack at The City Bakery, then headed over to The Rubin Museum to see their exhibit of sacred art from Bhutan -- which was mind-blowing. We got there in time to see the monks perform a ceremony, which made me super happy. We had a drink with my friend Amy and then headed over to the gallery were Wanda had a show opening. The opening was .... interesting. The gallery wasn't run very well -- Wanda had to hang her own show an hour before the opening, there was no signage, price lists -- things were just a little undone. I have to admit, it gave me a moment of pride in the way I'm running my space. Got to catch up with a few more friends I hadn't seen in years at the opening -- Mark and Annie and her husband Josh -- got lots and lots of love!

FRIDAY: Rode uptown with Wanda and Tim to The Studio Museum of Harlem to catch the Kehinde Wiley exhibit there -- which was insane... I've only ever seen his work online, standing in front of his paintings was an amazing experience... they're gorgeous. Tim and I also caught the Bansky installation in the Village -- The Village Pet Store and Charcoal Grill --- which I *loved*! I'm so happy I got to see it.
lil' chicken nuggets on display at the Village Pet Store and Charcoal Grill
pet wieners!

We met Tara and Stuart for supper at a great Tibetan place and then the four of us went to The Jazz Standard and caught an amazing show. Afterwards, Tim and I went back down to the Village and hit another jazz spot called Smalls -- this tiny basement club with GREAT music... we stayed down there til about 3am -- just listening to music -- a truly perfect night.

SATURDAY: Brunch with the boys -- which was heaven! I've missed these guys so much -- and sitting at a table surrounded by all these men I love so dearly was the best thing in the world. Paul, Eric, Me (just plain giddy!), Darrin, Mark and Ian
We spent the afternoon with Paul and Ian walking on Canal Street (craziness) in the rain. That evening, Tim and I had supper at this teeny tiny French restaurant in Park Slope called Canaille. I'm not sure I've had a more perfect night ... it was pouring rain, and this spot was small and warm -- super cozy. Tim ordered all this wonderful food for us and the best bottle of wine I've ever had -- I was so happy that at one point, I just got a bit weepie.... I couldn't help it -- I'm so insanely happy and these days.

After supper, we went into the city and caught a perform ace of The Upright Citizen's Brigade.

SUNDAY: Met up with my friend, Mark, for coffee and a good chat in BedStuy -- then Tim and I hit this little hole in the wall for a chicken & waffle lunch that we're still talking about (delicious!!!).
the lovely and talented Mark Maziarz
Spent the day wandering the East Village thrift stores (new ponchos for me!) and record shops (more jazz for Tim!) had cannoli and coffee at Venieros Italian Bakery (my favorite!) and then headed back uptown for more time in the Park before catching at truly amazing jazz set at the new-ish Dizzy's Club Coca-Cola in Columbus Circle.
Tim and I in Central Park

MONDAY: Back home again.... Tim's parents & aunt picked us up from the airport -- my first time meeting them, and it was great... they're amazing people. We joked and laughed the whole ride back to his apartment. A perfect ending to a damn near perfect trip.

I'm forgetting to mention about 100 other things that happened last week -- but those are the best bits. I had a great time... but it felt wonderful to sleep in my bed and come into my shop again.... I *missed* Omaha --- I have to admit, altho I was sad to leave the city -- I was really, honestly happy to be back home again. Home. New York has sort of officially lost that title for me -- something I thought would never happen. For the first time in a long, long time -- my heart and I are living in the same space .... and it's the best feeling.

A (Sweet) Dream Deferred

2008-10-03T16:49:00.008-05:00

The beautiful and talented Bee Hilton -- who shot Simon & Sara's wedding -- was able to pass me a few cake shots that I wanted to share:

The Red Velvet cake that Simon's children designed...
The Almond with Carmelized Pears cake -- the topper is from the '20s and was in near perfect shape... the heart above the couple says "United in Love"
Simon and Sara...

Seeing the photos made me feel about 7 gazillion different things this afternoon...

I've basically spent the past week convincing myself that opening another business is maybe not the best idea floating in my head, given the current economic sitch. Shit is crazy for everyone right now -- and I just can't afford to take the bakery on. Even if I could find a bank willing to pass me the tens of thousands I'd need to get it off it's feet and running for a bit... the truth is -- I could use that money for a few other, larger looming things, like ummmm... oh, I dunno --paying my mortgage? Maybe? Or perhaps for the rent on the shop space? My car? Health insurance? Or, ummmmmmm............. food?

I'm not giving up on having my own space to bake out of --- that's something that's going to happen, no matter what -- it just can't happen right now. My bakeshop already has a name and a logo, it's got an insane amount of support from people all over the country -- and London, it's got a kick ass menu and an old school jazz quartet playing gigs there every Thursday night.... that shit's gonna happen, I have no doubts about it ---- and as much as I would like it to be able to happen this year -- I need to be smart and patient and hold off for a bit.

It's just not the right thing for me to do, right now....

Right now? Right now --- I need to focus on the business I have and sort out some way that I can keep on keepin' on next year. This (sorta sadly) involves:
a) probably moving PULP out of this neighborhood
b) getting another job that I can tackle either before, after or while I'm at PULP
c) getting a room mate... or um, two

I think if I can make at least two outta three of those happen by the end of the year -- things will be solid. And really, in the grand scheme of things -- none of them are all that painful, okay -- the room mate one is still a toughie for me, but I'm getting over it! Really!

So yeah ------ I need to let my Sweet Dream simmer on the back burner for a bit... but it's still there. In the meantime, I'll just keep baking for the people I adore. Speaking of which -- I turned out a coconut angel food cake last week that was absolutely insane... and basically devoured by Tim and I while we stood over the cake plate breaking hunks of it off with our fingers.... yum.

And, speaking of Tim -- things are just amazing there. I have used the word "magnificent" more in the past month than I have in my entire life... but seriously, folks -- it's the only words that even comes close to explaining this one. We've been side by side pretty much every day... and it's soOoooooOoOOooo sOooOooOoOoOOo good! I had planned a trip out to NYC in a few weeks -- and now he'll be coming with me, which just makes me giddy...

I've been a happy one lately -- a wee bit freaked out by the ol' bank balance -- but HAPPY in an all caps, constantly smiley, giggle-filled, starry-eyed kinda way.

A Wondrous, Worrisome Week

2008-09-26T17:28:00.005-05:00

Before I even begin this post ---- lemme say that I don't have any photos of the cakes (yet!). In my chaotic crazy ass state of complete cake focus, I forgot to get batteries for the camera, so I wasn't able to take photos of *anything* I did for the wedding. The photographer promised to send me some shots soon --- but until then, you've gotta use your imaginations.

I know, I know --- L.A.M.E.

That said -- let's get to it.......

The Wondrous
Those of you who know me well, know that it is rare for me to compliment myself... I can fault with even my best laid plans.... but, um --- I ACED those cakes!!! HOORAY!!! They were delicious, and they didn't topple over and everyone *loved* them.... and I'm pleased as peaches about the whole thing!

*great big grin*

Wednesday -- I got a super late start on the day (Tim and I spent the afternoon reading in the park [insert joyous bouncing here]) but managed to do all the shopping, which meant hitting three separate grocery stores; borrowed a 5 QT mixer; bake off the heart-shaped layers for the Red Velvet cake; make the syrup for the wedding cake layers (amaretto with chopped toasted almonds) make a batch of spiced almonds and walnuts and a tray of this cashew cinnamon brittle that's just the best thing ever. Went to bed at 2am-ish

Thursday -- Up at 8am... downed a ton of coffee and got to baking the wedding cake layers. I was doing this butter cake with almonds and had to do three layers (12", 9" and 6") -- which meant baking for six cakes.

Round One was a catastrophe. I made the batter for the 9"-ers and 6"-ers -- but insanely spaced on the fact that my 9" pans were NOT 2" high, which they needed to be.... so about 10 minutes after putting the pans in the oven -- the cakes basically exploded and oozed all over the inside of the oven. SOooOoOoOOooooOooOOo not cute! After a serious amount of very foul language and 30 minutes of clean up --- I got to make the entire batch over again.... oh yay! This time -- I made three 9" layers and it worked perfectly. I managed to bake off the 12"-ers with no trouble at all.... and in the end, the cakes were perfect.

Had to stop for a bit after baking the layers to run a couple of forgotten errands... back in the kitchen at about 5pm. At some point in here -- the constant use of the garbage disposal and dish washer caused my basement to flood and fill up with this disgusting buttery sludge -- but I forced myself to pretend it wasn't happening and kept baking.

Finished the Red Velvet cake with cream cheese frosting and decorated it the way Simon's kids had requested (pink frosting, saying "I Love You" in purple with lots of flowers). Started in on the pears. I peeled, sliced and caramelized an insane number of bartlett, bosc and red pears to use at the filling for the cake -- I sauteed them in butter and brown sugar, with fresh ginger, cardamom, vanilla beans and lemon zest -- and a healthy splash of pear brandy --- and lemme tell you folks -- they were AMAZING!

While those cooled, I started in on the butter cream frosting, which I had been fearing for days. You basically add boiling sugar water to these egg yolks and then add butter -- but if you add it too quickly, you get scrambled sugar-ie eggs... let the syrup touch the side of the mixing bowl, and it cools into hard candy. Add the butter too soon -- and it dissolves into a lumpy mess. It's temperamental as all hell -- but when you get it right, it's heaven .... and um, I got it right -- not once, but twice! I added a healthier splash of the pear brandy to the finished butter cream -- and it was brilliant -- honestly, brilliant!

I assembled the cakes and got to frosting them -- Wanda came by to drink wine and keep me company... at this point, it was well after midnight and I was exhausted, so I decided to stop and finish decorating the cakes in the morning in hopes that some sleep would make me calmer. I have to admit that I had been maintaining a state of tense nervousness for two days at that point -- so um.... yeah, I needed to stop. Went to bed at 1am...

Friday (Wedding Day) -- Up at 5:45am (oh, yes indeed!) I had a second batch of butter cream done by 6:30 and got to decorating the cakes --- I just did a simple swiss dot thing, because I was gonna use fresh flowers as the main accent on the layers. Got everything frosted and boxed up, packed all the supplies I needed, decorated the masonite rounds I would be using to plate the cakes on and drank several cups of coffee --- and was ready to head to the hall at 9:30am when Tim showed up to help me.

9:45am -- drive about 20 blocks to the Paxton, where the reception was being held... the cakes shifted A LOT during the drive, but Tim made me laugh the entire time -- no panicking! We get everything loaded into the hall and realize that -- for some INSANE reason -- they have the heat on. Tim finds someone to fix that, while I try to fix the frosting and try not to freak out about how everything was starting to melt. I get the wedding cake put together -- it was a little wobbly looking -- but the shit stood up all night long!

Tim and I left the hall with time to get breakfast, head home, get dressed and make it out to the ceremony at 3pm. The wedding was beautiful -- the reception was a blast and a half (I danced forever!) -- and when they cut the cakes, Sara and Simon made a toast to me that made me blush six shades of red.... and once those cakes were cut -- it was like a frenzy! I had a moment of absolute joy watching everyone eat the cakes, candy and nuts --- it was just the best feeling in the world!

It was a perfect day. Completely perfect....

Funny aside -- while eating his slice of cake -- the groom thanked Tim for helping make the cakes taste so good. Tim explained that he just help me set up -- and Simon says something about how those cakes were straight out of Like Water for Chocolate... and um, I think he might be right.

I was so silly proud of myself, so happy that I was able to be a part of Simon & Sara's wedding. It was just the best day in a run of best days -- know what I mean mean?

The Worrisome
The week since the wedding's been a good one -- I'm back at the shop and still talking with folks about the bakery... finding support in the most wonderful places...

But yesterday sucked a bit, okay -- alot, because someone tried to break into my little old house. When I got home last night -- the front door was unlocked and the dead bolt had been popped with some sort of tool. Nothing was missing from the house, and it didn't look as though anyone had come inside -- but I didn't spend the night there. Totally spooked!

This morning --- when I got home, I realized that the back screen door had been torn off the hinges... so both doors had been fucked with. Then I discovered that my neighbors had actually been robbed. So -- for whatever reason, they started out at my house -- got the door open, but bailed and went into my neighbors house through a basement window and stole a ton of stuff.

This morning was spent dealing with the police, the locksmith ($150 on new locks -- sweet!), the plumber (another $120 for having the drain snaked), had the house alarm activated (which I should have done 2 years ago) and had to deal with Patrick who was a fuckin' mess because my neighbors think he might be involved somehow. He and my neighbor basically got into an arguement this morning about the whole thing.... he spent the entire morning at the house with me. And it became quickly obvious that the more upset he was about what happened -- the farther from reality he moved.

It was NOT a good morning. But everything's okay, the house is fine, I'm fine -- what's broken can be fixed and I've been counting my blessings all day. Still feeling a little freaked out about being back at the house -- but I know it's safe and these things happen... it just sucks when they happen THIS >< CLOSE to home -- ya know?

At a Loss for Words and Wedding Cake Week

2008-09-16T14:39:00.006-05:00

So --- I've been sitting here for the past 15 minutes trying to sort out how to start this post -- how to sum up what the past 10 days have been like for me -- and I just cannot do it.

I am completely and utterly at a loss for words.

I'm pretty sure that the past week was one of the best I've ever had --- in my entire life. That's not an exaggeration, folks --- it might even be a bit of an understatement.

I've had the honor (again... an understatement!) of spending the past 10 days with a man named Tim -- the guy I mentioned dancing with at loom the other week. I cannot begin to explain -- can't even imagine trying to put into words -- how WONDERFUL he is. He's rockin' my world harder than back-to-back rides on The Cyclone.... it's insane.

The thing is.... I'm not ready to share it yet. I'm not ready to talk about it. I think a large part of that has to do with the fact that I'm umm -- not 100% sure that I'm AWAKE. Oh -- I know, that sounds insane, but I'm being serious. I've been going through my days touching things in some vain attempt to ground myself... I feel like I'm, quite literally, dreaming.

It's that good.

OoOoOooooOh lordie -- my cheeks hurt from smiling! Enough!

This is Wedding Cake Week -- it's go time, boys & girls! I'm shutting down the shop this evening and spending the next 72 hours in my kitchen baking a red velvet cake that the groom's children have designed, a four-tier almond and caramelized pear wedding cake, candy cups filled with spiced nuts and cinnamon cashew brittle -- and maybe some macarons (I'm gonna have A TON of egg whites on my hands and these little guys would be a great use for them).

I think it's pretty safe for me to assume that the bride will be too busy this week to read what's written here -- so I'm just gonna go ahead and say that I am FREAKING OUT. Seriously ---- freaking the fuck out. Now -- both Sara and Simon have come to me (separately!) and told me that they don't care if the cake arrives in a big ass bowl -- they just want me to be a part of their wedding. Which is sweet ... I mean, it really is --- but ummm, the cake arriving in a bowl would be a catastrophe of insane proportions.

I know, I know --- it's all gonna be fine. I just need to calm down a bit. I know that cakes will taste good -- I've made three test cakes already and they're turning out great -- I'm just worried about building this thing. I'll be transporting it in pieces and building it at the hotel where the reception's being held... I've been reading up on tier techniques and watched about 20 videos on epicurious.com on how to pull it off.

I think a lot of my stress about this is that I haven't baked for most of the guests before, and there's been all this buzz about me doing this professionally here -- so I want to get it right, you know?

I just need to calm down and do it.....

*big long exhale*

Better.

I'll be sure to document the whole thing and write about it next week -- I'm doing all of the shopping and errand running during the day tomorrow -- and will bake off a few of the layers late tomorrow night -- but Thursday's gonna be The Day. I'm just gunnin' for Friday afternoon. I think the wedding's gonna be a blast -- and I'm looking forward to dancing, drinking and celebrating with my friends....

I have so very much to celebrate these days.

A Circus of Sheer Brilliance

2008-09-06T13:03:00.015-05:00

I've been having the most amazing, enlightening, somewhat overwhelming run of days lately.

The only way I can really explain it is that it sorta feels like I'm being bitch-slapped by Life, and ummm... I'm kinda lovin' it.

The past few weeks just feel like they've been packed with signs -- things keep happening that have been making me question everything -- making me aware of things I had forgotten, making me see things I couldn't see before... even though they were right in front of me all the time. I feel almost hyper-aware, awake... and really, really happy.

I feel like it all started after the angry bee weekend... since then, I've developed this really amazing relationship/friendship with a man that I adore. It's complicated, but despite some serious physical attraction, we're connecting on a completely non-physical level... we have these great big LONG conversations about everything -- I mean, everything and I'm finding a satisfaction in that that is better than any physical relationship I've ever had. In my life. Ever.

My time with this man has made me look at the way I approach romantic relationships -- I've realized that I have a tendency to quickly connect with my lovers on a (rather intense) physical level -- and THEN attempt to connect in other ways -- emotionally, spiritually, whatever. What these weeks have helped me see is how completely backwards that is. Okay -- I can hear you saying "Duh" from here --- but, honestly, it blew me away. I've realized that I've never really ever connected with anyone I've ever been with like this... I've always been able to connect physically -- the touching, kissing and fucking is always amazing, but I've never really KNOWN them in the ways that matter. That won't happen again.

While all of this was going on, I got a visit from a friend of mine this week whose father had just died. He came to the shop and we ended up sitting on the floor, holding hands and weeping while he remembered/missed/celebrated his father.

We sat on the floor and we cried and we talked about LIVING.

And as he spoke to me -- I suddenly felt like I understood it all -- like... these are things I know... life is short and blah blah blah whatever ------ but I felt like he was translating everything... like I've heard all this stuff before, but I didn't understand it til that moment. And before he left -- we hold each other and he thanked me for listening because he needed to speak.... and I thanked him for speaking because I needed to HEAR.

This week -- I was also asked to sit on a selection committee for the Kent Bellows Foundation... I helped them select the students whom will be involved in their educational programs for this semester and it was HUGE for me. First off -- it was an immense honor to be asked to sit on the jury, and I was changing lives -- these classes will change these kids forever -- and I was a part of that and the feeling was enormous... I'm still floating from it.

Then -- on Thursday, I go dancing with my friends at loom and end up spending am amazing evening dancing all night with this guy that I've always seen about town -- but don't really know. It was his first time going there -- it was my first time going, as well. There were all these men standing around the dance floor -- and I knew this group of guys was watching/talking about me... tall, built, super polished men hovering around me all night -- but none of them would speak to me. And out of nowhere -- this thin, conservatively dressed guy with glasses comes up and says, "I would really like to dance with you -- would you like to dance with me?" --- and it's ON. I couldn't believe he had the balls to ask me to dance -- and then dance WITH me -- just hands and sweat and ugh! We held it down out there... I had the best time. And if I see him again, that will be wonderful -- but if he doesn't come 'round -- it's okay, because it was about the moment. The moment mattered!

On Friday --- I have to give a speech to about 25 people who work at Bozell about arts & culture in Omaha -- which had been freaking me out for weeks. It went *wonderfully* I sat on the edge of my desk and just talked my way through it... easy breezy and they loved it!

And then there's this!!

The bakery around the corner from my shop closed this week. It's been the neighborhood bakery for over 60 years -- but it had only been open for a few months this go 'round -- just wasn't a good fit for the woman who owned it... but I think, I really, really think, it might be a great fit for me.

I have ALWAYS wanted a bake shop -- I find a joy in making food for people that is like nothing else. I'm good at it -- hell, I'm really good at it. I want this space so bad I can taste it... literally. It tastes like lemon tarts and chocolate cupcakes and eclairs and carrot cake and apple pie and oatmeal cookies. It tastes like hearty soups and stews and chunks of warm bread. It tastes a little like love.

Running it would be kinda crazy... I don't want to shut the gallery -- so I would be doing both, which would require a lot of staff at the bakery and some extra help at the gallery. I wouldn't open at the crack of dawn -- it would be more of a late day/night spot... so I would bake from about 5am til noon -- and then float the rest of the day between the two spaces -- which are basically across the street from each other. It would be a lot of work -- but doable. Completely doable.

I love Pulp --- but sitting here for 8 hours a day is starting to wear on me a bit -- I need to be DOing more with my time -- granted, this might be more DOing than I need -- but it would be based around something I honestly love.

I just don't know how to make this happen. I don't have the money to take it on. I have the time and commitment and will to make it work -- but the money, ummmm -- nope. People keep telling me it can't work. But I'm starting to think that the people who are telling me that are saying it because they're scared it actually will fuckin' work.

I just don't know.

I don't know -- but it's all I can think about. I see it in my sleep.

My mother tells me to pray on it -- to look for a sign about what I should do ... but I feel like my world is full of signs right now and I can't make sense of ANY of them. All this week -- I've been buzzing... I feel like I have all of this new amazing knowledge about myself and this life, the tricky bit is --- I don't know what to DO with it all. I'm just trying to be open to it all.... to have patience and let these moments happen.

But it's hard.

So -- yeah.... if anyone has any thoughts, opinions, advice about the bakery or ummmm.... $40,000 they'd like to send my way, I would really welcome it all right now. You know more about me than anyone... so please let me now what you think.

In the mean time ---- I'm going to keep rolling around in this "circus of sheer brilliance"* that happens to be my life.

*This is a quote from one of the student essays I had to read for the Kent Bellows program -- the applicants had to write about art in their lives, and this line just seemed to sum up my whole world right now.

That Vodou That You Do....

2008-08-28T16:52:00.009-05:00

Yeesh -- this week's been SO slow at the shop. Today's one of those days where I keep checking the news to see if something's happened -- there's just no one on the streets in Benson. The bakery closed at noon-ish, even the bars have been quiet today. I've been having a great day tho -- that's the odd bit... the few people who have come in have been shopping their little hearts out -- but honestly, I can count the number of times the door's opened today on one hand!

The nice thing about the quieter days is -- I get lots done... I'm pretty squared away with all the PR stuff for next month's show and got a bunch of ordering done. The other nice bit about it is that you can listen to your favorite songs on repeat all day (which I tend to do) and no on knows! Today's pick has been Rufus Wainwright singing "Peach Trees".
..........
A few weeks ago, I mentioned catching a great exhibit of Haitian art that was showing at my friend Rob's gallery... I ended up purchasing a few pieces from the show -- including my first "installation," which was made up of a table covered in found objects with a chair suspended above it. I moved all of the work into the house on Monday -- and have spent the past couple of nights putting things together:

This is Alabama Vodou by Chris Lawson:

At the opening for the show -- I kept coming back to this piece -- I was amazed by the items on the table, which are things the artist collected. My father's family is from Alabama -- and something about this just kept tugging at me.

Hanging the chair was T.R.I.C.K.Y. -- and, to be honest, I'm living in fear of it falling. Each morning since I've hung it -- I creep downstairs in the morning expecting to find an utter catastrophe.

It's set up in the front room of my house -- and from the street, it looks amazing at night -- like the chair's just floating in the room. I love it.

I also purchased a painting of an owl done by a Haitian artist -- with the word "Jesus" scrawled across it's face, I forgot to shoot that, but will tonight.

Orenda helped curate the show -- she and her husband, Todd, have traveled to Haiti a few times and a lot of the work from this show was on display at a show which she helped create a soundscape for on the island. She gave me another of my favorite pieces to hold onto for a bit:

It's this huge case that's filled with pink and red shoes that washed up on the shores of Haiti... and it's amazing! The drawer holds several old combs -- also found in Haiti... they're all missing teeth and crusted with sand.

The case literally exploded in my car on the way home from the gallery (it's ancient) and those shoes smelled like nothing you could imagine -- it was crazy... I got it all put back together again -- but touching them all kinda freaked me out a little bit.

Sitting with the case are several glass bottle -- also from Haiti -- that contain photographs and random pictures cut from books. I wish I could show you what's in them -- they just don't photograph well.

I was really moved by this exhibit (obviously). One of the best parts of the experience was that a friend of Orenda's from Haiti, the Reverend Jean Luc Dessables, came to give a lecture as part of the exhibit. The lecture was great -- I learned a lot about vodou and how the spirits are such a party of people's every day existence... they are not what most Americans imagine them to be. I got a chance to speak with the Reverend at the opening -- and he was *wonderful*.

Right off -- he tells me that my name is a great blessing... that there is a vodou loa, or spirit, named Maman Brigitte and she is the guardian of the cemeteries -- a hot pepper juice drinking, swearing, sexual "hot" spirit... highly revered. Knowing this makes me feel MUCH better about my name --- since I've been struggling with the fact that my father named me after a horrible, homophobic, racist women with great breasts, who loves animals more than people.

We also talked a lot about how things in my life "burn hot" -- that others see me as always being cool and calm -- but that inside, it's like an inferno and things often rage out of control to the point where I feel like they're consuming me. Which -- um, couldn't possibly be more true. "You are a women of intense passions," is what he said. He taught me that, sometimes, when things are burning too hotly, I need to remove them from myself so that they can cool off.... and that I need to PHYSICALLY do this -- not just think to myself that I'm going to let it cool off.

So, he suggested that I write the things down that are huge in my life, things I feel like I cannot control and stash them away someplace where they can "cool off" -- which is what I've started doing. When I feel like I need some peace from something -- to not have it consume me, I write it down and wrap it in blue yarn and hide it away in this old blue coffee pot, which I'm now keeping under the vodou table. I have to admit that, for a few of the things/people I've put in there, it's actually working --- but a couple of them are still sitting front and center in my head.

I guess some fires just take a little longer to put out.....

Oh -- and I ended up taking the praying mantis home with me last night... he was still out there at 7pm -- just looking in the window. I boxed him up and set him loose in my garden, where he can feast on all the tasty little bugs that have destroyed my brussel sprouts. I like knowing he's back there -- and hope he hangs around for a bit.

Uncle Johnnie

2008-08-27T15:00:00.003-05:00

Due to some racial nonsense that I still have trouble processing, I grew up without knowing the majority of my relatives. I knew a few of my aunts and uncles on my father's side -- but with my mother's Chaldean family -- the absence was pretty much complete.

I have a memory -- I must have been about 8 or 9 years old -- of coming home on a summer afternoon after playing in the woods behind our house to find the most amazing man I'd ever seen standing in our kitchen. He seemed tall as a giant, with perfectly tanned skin and tons of dark hair... this wondrous mustache... wearing a shirt that looked like silk -- unbuttoned to expose his hair-covered chest and gold chains. His voice was like velvet -- just thick and deep and kind. He was with a woman who looked like a model to me -- all legs and breasts with waist-length hair.... the two of them looked like they'd just stepped out of our TV set... they looked like late 1970s movie stars.

As I stood there -- mouth gaping -- my mother introduces him as my Uncle Johnnie and I suddenly felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. My uncle??!? In OUR house?!? I had heard his name before -- I knew all of their names -- I had made up faces for them -- these mythical uncles and aunts and cousins and grandparents who lived in a magical city called West Bloomfield.

He was nothing like the man that held his name in my head. He was beautiful -- the most beautiful man in the world... and as he hugged me, I clearly remember my thoughts --- my mind filled with visions of holiday suppers with my aunts and uncles -- of grandparents telling me stories, of cousins to play with and -- oh my goodness -- family portraits!! The horrible years of exile had ended!

In my childhood head, I thought Uncle Johnnie's appearance in our kitchen meant everything -- it meant an end to lying to classmates about my lack of relatives, it meant an end to coveting other people's families. It meant acceptance.

But I was wrong. It meant nothing. I never saw him again.... and 10 years would pass before another of my mother's family members would appear in my life.

About two years after his visit, I came home from school to find my mother holding a pudgy dark haired baby... Uncle Johnnie's little girl, Norelle. I'm still not 100% sure what was happening with Johnnie and his wife at that time -- but their daughter stayed with us for weeks. I fell IN LOVE with Norelle... I carried her and fed her and would creep into my mother's room to watch her sleep... every minute that I was home, I was holding her. She was my COUSIN -- I had a cousin.... And then one day, I came home from school and she was gone. I was devastated. I mourned the loss of her for weeks -- til my mother, desperately trying to make me feel better, bought me a guinea pig. Which I -- without hesitation -- named Norelle.

It would be almost 25 years before I saw her again. When my mother re-introduced us, I burst into tears... she must have thought I was insane, but I couldn't even begin to form the words to make her understand. She's beautiful -- she looks exactly like photos I have of my mother in her 20s, photos I've spent years wishing I looked more like --- she looks like an Abbo. I cried because I had missed her, because she had meant so much to me as a child.... but I also cried because her looks gave her a culture and language and history that I never got to have. Her looks... gave her a family.

Sixteen. Coming home from school as my mother is leaving the house in tears... "Johnnie's dead." That week was a nightmare of watching my mother come and go... Chaldean's have this intense, involved wake process which requires the family to spend DAYS sitting with their dead as people come to pay their respects. Every morning when she left the house -- I begged to go with her -- I wanted so badly to comfort her and see him again. But I wasn't allowed to go. I was to discover, years later, that -- at the time -- half her family didn't even know I existed. My showing up at Johnnie's funeral was NOT an option.

One night during that week, the house phone rang in the middle of the night. It woke me up, and I heard my sister answer it -- a moment of silence and then she's calling my name. My friend, Karen (who was pretty much living at the house with me at this point) and I get up and go out to find my sister, standing -- holding the phone out to me.... "Listen!" I put the phone to my ear -- the connection is horrible, and there's his voice, coming through the static... "Baby, it's your uncle. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I wasn't there more. I'm sorry I wasn't there. Love you -- always did. Don't you forget that...." and then nothing. When my sister answered the phone -- she had heard the same thing.

Yeah, I know it sounds crazy.... but it happened.

I am a clumsy, accident-waiting-to-happen kinda girl. I cannot count the number of close calls and near misses that I've walked away from. And every time I find myself on the other side of one of those moments, unscathed, but shaken.... I thank Uncle Johnnie. Some people believe they have guardian angels -- I believe my uncle looks over me.

On Monday night --- while driving back from Tim & Katy's house, I was about to make a left turn on a light that had been green for a good minute before I approached it. Clear as day, I hear a voice in my head say "Wait" and as I tap the brakes... some guy skids, tires squealing, into the intersection... running the light. Our cars are almost touching, and I realize that if I hadn't slowed up -- the front of his car would have been in my lap... without even thinking, I open my mouth and say "Thank you, Uncle Johnnie" out loud and before driving off.

When I mention the incident to my mother last night -- she has often told me that she asks him to watch out for me -- she tells me that yesterday, the 26th, was the 21st anniversary of his death. I spent most of last night, sitting on my porch, thinking about him -- how things might have been if he'd still been here. I spent a lot of time thinking about family, what it means to me, how I've spent my whole life building one out of friends to replace the one that I'd been banished from.

I spent a lot of time --- just thinking.

This morning, I went to the Cathedral to light a candle for Johnnie. I go there alot, actually -- the Catholic girl in me still clings to those bits of tradition. I light my candle and thank him for taking care of me. As I'm getting ready to leave... something makes me pause, and I light three more candles -- for my mother's parents and older brother.... people that I never knew... and I get on my knees for the first time in YEARS and I pray. I ask for guidance and peace of heart, I ask for understanding and acceptance.... and I asked for the ability to forgive these people, my family, for refusing to love me -- refusing to MEET ME -- because of the color of my skin. I'm exhausted from carrying the pain of that around in my heart for the past 37 years --- but I just cannot lay it down. So I prayed.

When I got to the shop.... I found this truly amazing, huge praying mantis just sitting on the building next to the door.

Five hours have passed, and he's still out there... just standing on the ground looking at the shop. I went out there a minute ago, and it crawled back up to the mailbox to look at me. I spent some time this morning reading about the symbolism involved with them.... they are thought to be divine messengers, a blessing, and in Africa, they were once thought to be able to bring life to the dead.

Whatever you believe ---- something about finding it at my door after praying for the first time in decades makes me feel a whole slew of things that I can't begin to explain and a few that I can: hopeful and happy....

... and heard.

And for all of that, I find myself -- once again, thanking Uncle Johnnie.

Tired.... Through and Through

2008-08-16T14:51:00.003-05:00

To say that the past ten days have been stress-filled and all-consuming would be an understatement and a half.

I keep waiting to get used to this pretty much constant state of exhaustion that I exist in... but it's not happening. I'm used to working ridiculous hours -- I can't count how many 2am train rides I took back to Brooklyn after marathon days at Time Inc. --- but this is different -- it's like EVERY bit of me is tired -- body, mind, little bits of my soul........

No matter how much I sleep -- which, I admit is not much these days -- I'm still tired.

The week's been an odd one for me --- people keep stopping me to chat about the Food Network spot and the piece in the paper. I'm happy that it's left such an impression on people -- and it's brought some new faces into the shop -- which is great. On Thursday -- there was a press conference in front of the space with the mayor to debut the new street scape for the neighborhood.... I was given a shout out during the speeches and the press was encouraged to chat with me about my love of Benson and why I started my business here ----- which they did. The shop was well filmed and I gave an interview which (I've been told) aired for two days on the news here.

Again -- it's great (free!) publicity for Pulp -- but I felt a little strange about it... mainly because I've started having some serious doubts about whether this neighborhood can support the shop. I've begun spending large chunks of time sitting in the Old Market and Dundee -- coveting other people's foot traffic.... of which, I have none. At all. People come to see me -- which is awesome... but no one's stopping in during a Saturday afternoon of shopping, eating, touring, whatever -- which sucks.

The bars across the street love it when I have openings -- the bartenders jockie to work those night -- because when I shut down I pass over tons of people to them..... but there's not another business in this neighborhood that's funneling traffic to me in the same manner. I really love this community -- but I have a feeling that as the end of the year approaches, I need to make some decisions about what's best for the business..... and I'm not sure waiting for Benson to become what it will, eventually, become is really what's best.

I dunno.

Speaking of openings ---- the one last night went well. It's the work of an artist from Seattle named Parskid -- whose work I love and which is widely collected. I sold three pieces to someone in the UK yesterday afternoon, and four more during the reception. I'd been calling this my "jinxed show" because everything about it was chaos and craziness (the postcards for the show were sent to North Carolina...) -- but it ended up being a good night.

Tonight --- I'm baking off a cake for Stefanie's baby shower, catching some of a concert at the Waiting Room and a bit of my friend Dana's birthday party.... Tomorrow --- got the shower in the afternoon and then I'll hopefully just spend the rest of the day lying in my yard reading Philip Roth and sleeping.

Sleeping.....

*sigh*

A Few of My Favorite Things... And a Bit of Fury

2008-08-06T12:15:00.003-05:00

Last week --- I packed five of my favorite things into the 'ru and went downtown to the Omaha World-Herald offices to be interviewed for the paper's weekly "My Five" feature. Each week, they ask someone to chat about five of their favorite things... and despite my bordering on neurotic issues with having my photo taken, I'm realizing that any time the shop gets mentioned in print is worth a little torture -- so I went.

And you know ---- it wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it was gonna be. Dane Stickney at The W-H is pretty awesome -- I've worked with him lots in the past, but this was the first time we'd met... and they were blown away by the things I'd brought -- really excited. Last week's interviewee listed her faith and her job as her favorite things ... so I don't think they were expecting me to show up with a piece of art and a stick of butter as part of my stash.

Picking five favorite things is kinda next to impossible. So I just kinda took five things that mean a lot to me and have a definite "Brigitte-ness" about them. As Dane perfectly put it -- if I were an action figure, they would be my kick ass accessories.

My five included:
1) The first piece of art I ever bought, a piece I adore by Kenny Adkins
2) vintage carry-on luggage that I use as hand bags
3) a stick of butter
4) a music box from my childhood
5) my high school copy of Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

The printed version of the article should be in The World-Herald on Thursday -- but they also turned bits of my interview into this:
http://content.omaha.com/media/maps/slideshows/8708mcqueen

I'm not 100% sure I've ever heard a recording of my voice -- and lemme tell you, it sounds NOTHING like I thought it would. And... I giggle -- A LOT. Am I always like that? My goodness!

But wait! There's more!

In case that's not enough Brigitte for ya -- you can tune into the Food Network and see me chatting about my friends' restaurant on that Diners, Drive-ins and Dives show.

Oh yes..... it's true.

They came out to film an episode at Dixie Quicks (another one of my favorite things, to be sure...) last month -- and my sweeties who own the space, Rob & Renee, asked Wanda and I to come down. The filming went fine -- but I have no clue how the end result turned out. I don't have cable -- or a functional TV for that matter -- so I'll be missing my small screen debut. My first customer of the day told me he saw it and I looked lovely -- so I'm takin' his word for it.

I believe that the episode will run, like, 100 more times this month -- so if you're up for watching 12 straight hours of the Food Network (which, um, is how I've spent more than one Christmas holiday at my sister's house...) you're bound to see it eventually.

In other news....

I some how managed to cram one of the best nights I've had in ages and the worst series of days I've had in a long time -- all into one weekend. I'm still trying to get on top of how I've been feeling the past few days -- and am not sure it's something I want to chat about in this space -- which is a whole other bit of weirdness. I feel like I need to write about what's happening --- but maybe not here? When I started this thing -- I promised to always be honest with you and with myself -- but now strangers stumble into the store and tell me they read this and it makes me feel like I shouldn't be so brutally honest about my life.

I don't know.

I'll sort that out. In the meantime -- I'll just put it like this:

I once went camping with some friends in the Olympic Mountains while I was living in Seattle... and we were hiking and found this massive bee hive in a tree. It was beautiful and peaceful looking... quiet -- and despite my pleas for them to leave it be -- the guys I was with started throwing rocks at it and poking at it with branches -- getting the bees all riled up into this massive pissed off swarm of fury that we all ran away from, screaming, into the woods hiding behind trees.

That's how I feel. Like I'm full of angry bees.

Like I've been teased and shaken out of this dark, quiet, numbing shelter I've built for myself so that I can function in this town without losing my shit.

But instead of rocks and sticks -- it's boys with beautiful hands, whispering words like honey in my ears while looking AT me -- SEEING me in this city where I feel invisible every day. It's hands in my hair and hugs that last too long from men who shouldn't be standing that close to me in the first place, because they belong to someone else.

They've shaken me from my shelter for no good reason. They don't want the stashed away sweetness, they don't really want what's in there -- they just want to pull things apart, peek inside, stir things up and leave everything exposed and ........... BUZZING.

And then, they run away. Hiding behind ~~utter nonsense~~ excuses and explanations instead of trees.

Leaving me wide awake.

...... And mad as hell about it.

Yup, that just about sums it all up.

Birthday BBQs, Bustin' a Move and Beatin' the Blues

2008-08-01T14:21:00.007-05:00

I'm feeling a little blue around the edges today. My sweetest friend, Alessi, had to head back to London this morning -- and I miss her so much already, it's ridiculous. I got to spend two whole weeks with her this go 'round --- but it still feels like she was here for about 15 minutes.

Spending time with her is like carrying a bit of the sun in your pocket -- she makes everything wonderful and bright. I can't find the right words to express how much she means to me and how deeply I love her. Have you ever met someone and KNOWN without a shadow of a doubt that in some other life or time or space that they were with you? That's sort of how it is with her -- I haven't felt so connected to another person in quite the same way.

I was feeling bit broken hearted earlier this week.... I don't really want to talk about it much -- but for the past few weeks I've been feeling like I'm breaking up with someone I never even dated. Making these great big feeling I had for someone seem smaller so that I can tuck them away and get on with my life. Anyways -- I'm driving with Alessi -- we come to a stop light and she takes my face in her hands so I have to look at her and says -- so seriously, "One day, Brigitte, you're going to reap all the beautiful things you've sown." -- which, of course, immediately made me burst into tears.

She comes by the next night and asks if she can play me a song -- and proceeds to play this amazing tune that she wrote about me -- with that line in the chorus... it was the most wonderful thing anyone's ever done for me. I just can't explain.....

Ugh. Okay --- moving on.

The week really was another great one.... I got to spend a chunk of everyday with her -- we had a birthday BBQ on Monday, belated for her -- a bit early for my friend Jake --and I got to spend some more time with Keri, Shane and the girls before they headed east to Connecticut. I made a chocolate coconut birthday cake and peach pie... We played a great round of "talls" vs. "smalls" boccie ball (the talls kicked our asses -- they could see the balls better, I think) and feasted on sausages (Dan held down the grill) and mango salsa... such a fun night.

I went to a WONDERFUL gallery opening at RNG on Saturday -- the show, "No Cigar, No Job" was curated by my friend Orenda and featured work from Haitian artists and the amazing Chris Lawson. The show is brilliant and if you're reading this from town -- I seriously encourage you to check it out. I haven't been buying art since I opened the gallery -- it's just not as much of an option for me these days as it was when I was working for Time Inc. -- but I kinda lost my shit at the show and ended up buying a few things..... including an installation called Alabama Vodou that includes a table covered in found objects, with a chair and cross made out of bones suspended about it; a painting of an owl from Haiti and a couple of magic bottles. I loved everything on display at RNG, it's one of the best collections of work to come through Omaha... I hope you'll be able to check it out.

I also went to a wonderful wedding on Sunday for my friends Ted & Meghan --- at which I worked a whole bunch of shit out on the dance floor with my friends Sara and Allyson -- I really need to go dancing more often... I had the best time.

I had another group of Girl Scouts come by the gallery for a lecture -- this time, Bill Hoover stopped by and gave a chat about his work in the gallery -- which I think the girls loved lots. It was kinda hilarious to watch him get flustered because one of his paintings shows a couple having sex in a dark red room -- and as hard as he tried to divert their attention to other parts of the painting -- they kept asking him what was happening in THAT room. Finally, one of the troop leaders said she was pretty sure they were doing yoga..... I had to step into the stock room til I could stop laughing.

I had my first bowl of pho since leaving Seattle at a tiny Vietnamese spot on 72nd Street and it made me so happy I thought I was gonna cry.... if only they served those little cream puffs like I'd get at Than Brothers... Lordie, I miss Seattle sometimes.

I got to spend some time with Jake, Alessi and my friend Matt as they recorded a Christmas carol for a movie soundtrack. It was interesting to see the process -- and it quickly made me realize how much patience it takes to make music -- I was fading fast at 2am -- they stayed at it til 8 in the morning...

I got to explore a bunny rabbit's bed with Stella, did a photo shoot for the Omaha World-Herald, made a new friend, Sonya, who was passing through Omaha from Columbus, Nebraska where she's an union organizer at a meat packing plant, run through a sprinkler, eat basil ice cream (delicious!), make costumes for my friend Susann's performance piece, spontaneously dance on Underwood Avenue with Alessi, and discover the wonders of crushed pear juice from the Korean market.

Tonight.... I'm headed to see Susann's piece at the ShelterBelt Theater... and I got a call from Maria asking if she and the family could camp out at the house for a couple days -- so they'll be arriving this evening.

And tomorrow? Tomorrow.... I'm going to bed at 10pm and sleeping straight through Sunday.

A "White Winter Hymnal" High

2008-07-26T17:18:00.007-05:00

I've been listening to this song by the Fleet Foxes on repeat for ... ummmmm.... two days straight now -- it's makes me down right giddy I love it so much:

I can hear my NYC friend Paul from here, muttering "Dirty Hippies" under his breathe -- but they're not hippies... see! They don't even like hippies -- which makes me a little sad, because the flower child in my soul wants to move back to Seattle and start a commune where I can have little love children with at least 1/2 the band.

Oh! Despite the fact that yesterday got a little un-great in the end... I pulled my fortune from this shaker fortune thing that Alessi got as a gift from Jessica and it told me that I was in for a run of good luck, finding fame on the stage (or something like that) and blah blah blah --- but it also said that "My Wish Would Come True" ..... now I just need to sort out which wish it was referring to, because there are about six of them on the table right now... seven, if you add the new one where I make dirty non-hippie hippie babies with Robin Pecknold.

Garage Sale Goodness

2008-07-25T17:49:00.012-05:00

Today? Today's been a ~~good~~ great one.

Rolled outta bed a bit early-ish this morning to go garage sale shopping with Alessi, her mother, Jessica and my sweetheart, Stella.

We didn't hit too many spots -- but discovered the motherlode of church lady goodness at the St. Pious rummage sale (on 72nd and Blondo -- tomorrow is $1 a bag day for clothing -- I encourage all you Omaha kids to check it out).

I scored this red big red metal tool box-ish thing; a set of bright orange plastic cups with -- I kid you not... faux wood grain bottoms (a woman who saw me with them told me they were "totally" me); a set of silver salt and pepper shakers, three vintage slips (one with the tag still attached); a pleated yellow/navy plaid wool skirt that I'm gonna rock like nobody's business this fall and a poncho... all for $4.50.

While we ladies were searching the racks for clothing -- Stella ran off for a moment and returned to us dressed like this --------->

She'd found this gem on her own and felt compelled to put it on. I *think* it's a chicken suit -- but the things that should have been orange (like the beak thing on the hood) were hot pink. I adore Stella... she's the most amazing little girl -- like a 30-something, world-travelin', bug-lovin', no clothes wearin', feminist, PhD-totin' rockstar of a woman living in a 4 year old's body. I am in awe of her -- and every time I'm in her presence, I send a little shout out to the powers that be that if I'm ever blessed with children, that they have 1/2 of this little girl's spark.

Came to work and have had really wonderful customers all day... designed a mock up for a Rehearsal Dinner invite for a client, which she loved (yay!) and got to watch Alessi flit around the shop for a few hours while we listened to a mix CD she made for me that contains 22 of my new favorite songs (it's an absolutely stellar selection).....

Then a *truly* beautiful man, whom I've admired for ages, rode up on a motorcycle, looking like heaven, and buried his hands in my hair.

.............................................. um, yeah.

An amazing day, indeed.

July. The Abridged Version.

2008-07-24T16:30:00.009-05:00

Oh! Hi! Remember me?! Yeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh..... this month's been utterly bat shit. All good (great) things -- but it's been pretty much non-stop goodness since the holiday weekend... and I'm pooped.

The trip to Michigan ended up being a great one. I had lots of fun with my sister and family -- and arrived just in time for my sister's best friend's baby shower.

I've known Tonya for well over 30 years -- and it was a wee bit overwhelming to see her 8 months pregnant! The shower was great fun -- a co-ed BBQ in a great park... everyone had a good time and I got to see some wonderful folks that I hadn't seen since Tonya's wedding last year.

The trip home made me realize just how much I need to sort out a way to get home more often. I was hyper-aware of how much my parents had aged since the last time I saw them. It hurt my heart a bit.... I cannot be away for such huge chunks of time anymore.

The past couple of weeks since I got back to Omaha have -- quite literally -- just been a blur. I *barely* remember last week -- I was so damn busy the days have all meshed into one.

I got to spend some good time with Stella, my favorite little girl north of Kansas City at the Feist show in Memorial Park (which, miraculously, was not rained out)...

I got to attend an impromptu BBQ with my friends Dan and Ted -- feasted on pork chops and grilled apples and slightly battered watermelon....

I made a trip to Cabela's for the first time. For those of you outside of Omaha -- Cabela's is like going to hunter's heaven... it's a hunting/camping/fishing goods store meets amusement park meets taxidermy museum kinda of mega store. I was trying to get a birthday present for someone -- a fishing rod -- so it seemed like the right place to go. I walked in and was BEYOND overwhelmed. They have a full on aquarium in there that rivals the zoo. There's a mountain in there -- with all these stuffed animals climbing on it -- not stuffed animals like Elmo -- but stuffed animals like Bambi's mom. There must have been a thousand fishing rods in there -- so after gazing, open-mouthed at the fish in the aquarium for 10 minutes -- I got some help from the best salesman EVER -- Frelands. Frelands knew everything in the world about fishing --- which was great, because I know next to nothing. After asking five simple questions -- he helped me pick out some kick ass gear that made for a great gift. If you live in Omaha -- I think you should visit Cabela's at least once -- it's overwhelming, and a little bit scary, but it really is this strange slice of life in the midwest. If you go --- ask for Frelands. After chatting with him for five minutes, you'll wanna sell all your belongings and go fly fishing for the rest of your life....

Anyways -- back to the chaos. My car suddenly started spouting oil and making a horrible rumbling sound when I braked -- so I took it to the shop and $460 later -- had new front and back brakes and a new oil thingie cap. FUN!

I gave a lecture to a group of Girl Scouts at the shop -- which, I was oddly terrified of doing... but it turned out to be the BEST time. They had so many great questions and we had a lot of fun... I have another group coming to visit next week... I think I'm gonna make them cookies....

Flipping the gallery after Seth's show was ... ummmm..... NOT the best time. It took 13 hours, three coats of primer, two coats of paint, and basically refinishing the drywall on two walls before the space was back to normal. I loved the show and the way the space looked --- but it will be a long, LONG time before I allow anyone to paint the gallery walls again. I was exhausted.

Bill Hoover's opening in the gallery last Friday was beyond amazing. A great night for the space... packed from the minute it started and it ran well past 10pm. We sold half the show -- eight pieces. It was, honestly, the best night I've had in the shop since the night I opened last year. HUGE. You can read a review of the show here.

So -- while all of that was happening... my sweetest Alessi arrived in town, as did Shane, Keri and their girls. I also had a friend in town from Detroit for a few days.... and somehow managed to see my friend, the amazing Matt Amandus, play piano at the Joslyn's Jazz on the Green concert.

The day after Bill's opening, I closed the shop for the weekend and spent the next two days baking about 200 cupcakes for Stefanie and Chris' wedding, which was on the 20th. No -- I'm not kidding. 200 cupcakes. In my kitchen. It tooks two days, 36 eggs, 25 sticks of butter and three pots of coffee -- but I got it done. Not only did I get it done, folks -- I got it done WELL!

The cupcakes were a hit at the wedding... I even got a heartfelt "Gawd DAMN!" -- I haven't baked like that, for stangers, in a LONG time and I was sOoOoOoOo insanely nervous --but they all turned out great. I made the following tasty treats:

carrot cake
german chocolate
lemon with blueberries
double chocolate with raspberries
pear with vanilla bean
coconut with white chocolate frosting

The caterer asked me where my shop was -- and I felt a tuggin' at my heart. Despite all the stress of baking in my tiny, ill-equipped kitchen -- I really *loved* doing it. It's something that makes me so silly happy... something that needs to be a part of my future in some way..... can you hear the wheels turning in my head from there? Sorry -- they need a bit of greasin'

Anyways --- I made the cupcakes, Stefanie's bouquet and rigged up some flowers for her hair -- all in less than 2 days. It was a great wedding -- lots of fun, despite the "melt yo' ass" heat" -- but, by 9pm, I was ready for bed.

............ this would be a good time for me to mention that I've also agreed to make a WEDDING CAKE (the real deal, folks!) for my friends Sara and Simon -- who are getting married in September. We'll ummmm.... chat more about that later.

Monday --- my first real day off in two weeks. I slept in... did some serious reconstruction in my kitchen and then took my ass to the zoo. I love the Henry Doorly Zoo... sometimes, I just go to visit the polar bears... which is exactly what I did on Monday.

That's it -- that's what I've been up to for the past 20-somethin' days.... August is looking blissfully quiet, just the art opening to tackle -- nothing else (I ummmm.... think?!?).

No matter how crazy it felt -- this month's been amazing so far... the trip home, the opening last week, all the outta town love -- baking again... all of it's been amazing.

I'm a lucky, lucky (albeit sleep deprived) lady.

All's Good in the 'Hood

2008-07-03T17:41:00.008-05:00

Things are slowly getting back to normal around town after last week's storm. I've gotten used to the sounds of chain saws roaring at 7am, gotten all of the leaves and branches out of the yard and was forced to give the fridge a good cleaning once the power was back up...... which, looking back, was actually kind of a good thing!

And -- I was VERY happy to discover that the Vagina Tree on the corner of 38th and Dodge survived the storm!

I *heart* the Vagina Tree!

In other news.... work on replacing the driveway at the house started this week -- which was a wee bit nerve-wrecking during the demo phase... especially when a chunk of bricks that had basically turned to dust fell off one of the corners leaving a foot long gap between the rest of the house and the ground --- NOT CUTE!

The old driveway was basically built for horse carriages (not kidding). It was SUPER narrow (passengers had to get out of the car on the street and I can't use it in the winter because the driver's door opens onto a hill of ice) and there's a part of my house that sticks out so that you can't drive all the way up to the garage in the back yard. It's also basically being held together with tar at this point.... and last winter, it buckled and there are now holes leading to nowhere all over the place. So about 1/2 of my property's been covered in cracked, ugly, useless concrete for the last 30 years. It's bad.

The guys working on the house are amazing and have been being really good to me... it will be wonderful once it's done. They're widening it so that I can actually get out of the car in the winter without risking my life by sliding under it. And they're not replacing the parts I can't use -- so I can have more grass and green stuff on the side of the house. They're also replacing the retaining wall which had started to fall over in the back. It's not gonna be cheap -- but it REALLY needed to be done (water was basically flowing right under the house when it rains) and I think it will definitely increase the value of the property a bit (um... I hope!).

I've really just kinda been loving being at home lately... just reading on the porch and watching fireflies. It's more than loving the house -- there's something about having this sense of HOME that's been making me really, very happy.

And speaking of homes.... I'm headed to Michigan for a few days this weekend. I haven't seen most of my family in over a year and I miss them -- a lot. Going back there always brings out loads of mixed emotions for me.... I miss my family and hate being away from them... but I feel like they don't know what I'm doing out here (I mean, hell, sometimes I don't know what I'm doing out here!) and they're concerned about things --- lots of things. I would like to just go and have three days to play with my family... but I think it will be more like three days of defending a shop the majority of them haven't seen and my life here. Which, um, ain't a vacay, kids.

It's a stress fest.

But hopefully, that's not the way it goes. I really am just silly excited to see them and be away for a few days.

Distraction: Three girls (I truly doubt they were 18 years old) just walked in here sporting brand new matching 6" Playboy bunny tattoos on their right shoulders that they just got at the tattoo parlor down the street.......... to "celebrate the 4th!" -- I kid you not.

Happy 4th of July, ya'll!

The Tempest

2008-06-28T13:57:00.008-05:00

I'm not sure if there's a scientific term for what just happened in Omaha -- but the shit, and EVERYTHING else in this city, hit the fan. Quite literally.

I have NEVER witnessed a storm like what blew through here yesterday evening... it came from outta nowhere, looked like a tidal wave of clouds when it rolled in and maybe last 30 minutes -- tops -- but it devastated huge chunks of mid-town Omaha. Trees pulled out of the ground by their roots, live wires on the ground everywhere... cars flattened by trunks and limbs poking through houses.

I'd never seen anything like it before.

I was at the gallery when it hit -- and I thought I was gonna loose my shit. I have some trouble with storms... they freak me out (okay, that might be a bit of an understatement), when the sirens go off, I lose it. Yesterday was like something out of a movie -- things flying everywhere, trees bent so low they were touching the ground, and the hail -- I can't even begin to explain it. It was coming down in sheets -- horizontally. The entrance to the shop flooded a little, but no real damage. The worst thing that happened was that when the power went out -- it caused my QuickBooks POS to blow and I've lost the past month's worth of data -- no inventory or sales records for the past 30 days. It could have been a lot worse, I've been trying to sort it out all afternoon and learned a valuable lesson about backing up data.

My neighborhood looks like a bomb hit it.

I headed home after the storm passed and it took me 45 minutes to make a 10 minute trip. When I got close to the house -- I couldn't get to my block -- there were giant 100 year old trees across every street. I finally just parked and walked in -- went back for the car later.

Aside from a lot of water in the house because the wind blew the screens right out of the windows, and a lack of electricity -- it weathered the storm better than I had expected. What I had expected -- especially when I reached my block and saw all of the down trees was that either my oak out front or my neighbor's death-trap of a mostly-dead ash in the back had fallen on the house. I'm not sure how this didn't happen -- since most of the trees around my house are on the ground -- but I've been counting my blessings a million times over.

I'm feeling beyond lucky today. Beyond lucky, and truly grateful for it.

Seven Hundred and Thirty Days in Omaha

2008-06-26T16:06:00.008-05:00

Two years ago today, I closed on my house here in Omaha....

This morning, I sat on the front porch and thought about how much has happened to me in the past two years --- it seems impossible that so much could have happened in what feels like such a short period of time.

Two years ago -- I was still working for Teen People... Pulp was just this fuzzy idea in my head, scribbled notes in my journal. I was so excited about coming back here -- but secretly terrified that it would be just like the two years I had spent here before -- I'd just bought a house in a town I had literally fled from two years earlier.

My past two years have been nothing like those first two.... and exactly like those first two... all at the same time, which doesn't seem possible, but it's true. I have grown by leaps and bounds in the past 24 months. Buying that house by myself, opening the shop, the play.... I've accomplished things that I never thought I would be able to do. Omaha has been good to me this go 'round. It's brought some great people into my life, given me the space and time and opportunity to make some wonderful things happen... I have been thriving in so many ways. It's been better than I ever imagined it could be.

But.... at the same time, the things that made it hard for me to be here before are still on the table. I've been ignoring them -- pretending that they don't matter as much as they do. I would be lying if I said that those things haven't been feeling bigger, getting louder -- demanding to be dealt with. I am sacrificing a lot to stay in Omaha... I'm reaching a point where I need to sort out if those sacrifices are really worth making.

I've been working on this project for the Bemis Center's Creativity Festival (Go!) -- helping to create a labyrinth on the 5th floor of their building. My "station" is about love -- and focuses on where our hearts REALLY lie. We live where we live -- but often times, our hearts live elsewhere. Anyways --- while working on this project, I realized that, honestly --- my heart IS in Omaha. Not only that -- it's been here for decades.... since my summers spent here with Maria as a teenager. It's my head that's elsewhere -- common sense telling me that I need to be in another city, a bigger city. I have ALWAYS been one to follow my heart -- which, I realize today, is why I keep coming back to this city... as a child and as an adult... it calls me back.

My heart is very much here right now. Wrapped tightly around a man who's heart is split in two... someone I may never get to be with -- but who will always be a part of my life.... no matter what. Wrapped around my store and gallery, the community it supports and that supports it. And my home -- my leaky, creaky, money pit of an old house that I've been nursing back to health bit by bit since we met two years ago in May at the stroke of the noon bells tolling at St. Cecelia's.

I have always loved Omaha. I have always grown here -- even when it felt like hell, I was learning from being here. It's a fragile love... one that I've realized that I need to take day by day, year by year. I cannot promise to be here ten years from now or five years from now. I'm not sure I can promise to be here two years from now ----- and that's okay, it's how we roll with each other.

I do believe that this next 12 months will be pivotal ones in our relationship though. There's a lot on the table right now... and I'm realizing, that as with all torrid love affairs -- sometimes you need to know when to say when. I do know that if I ever decide to leave Omaha behind me again -- whether it's ten or five or two years from now -- it will be the last time. I believe I still have lessons to learn from this city, things to do here and adventures to have here... but I also know that I need some things that this city might not ever be able to give me.... and I know that when the time comes for me to go after those things -- I'll have to..... go.

But we don't have to dwell on those bits just now.

Right now, I feel like relishing how much I've grown and accomplished in these two years with Omaha... how amazing my lil' life here has been, how proud I am of every bit of it.

Right now, I feel like celebrating.

Random Thoughts on a Tuesday Afternoon

2008-06-24T15:31:00.003-05:00

It's stormin' like a mo-fo in the Big O! today ... I'm camped out in the shop, Karen Dalton singin' the blues behind me, trying to convince myself that a nap is really, really the last thing in the world I want right now. In an effort to distract myself, I thought I'd share some random thoughts with you --- you lucky son of a guns.....

I've suddenly got some new neighbors at the shop this week.... these hideously HUGE, black, roach-like beetle things have taken up residence here. I'm sure that they're some sort of water bug visiting from the depths of hell (a.k.a. the basement of this building) -- but they freak me the fuck out. I came in today to find two of them parked in front of the stock room door. I thought they were dead --- til I stomped next to them and they scurried towards me -- causing me to scream at the top of my lung for a full minute. I'm keeping a can of RAID under the desk now.... I cannot deal. I just can't.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Each month, when I have a new show in the gallery coming up -- I spend a day postering certain neighborhoods here in town -- I make the rounds, hanging posters in local businesses, and have never had a problem, til this month. I've noticed that a few of the posters that I put up, or left to be put up, are not there anymore. Seth made the posters for his show himself -- and I love them -- but part of the image includes a pentagram...... and I think that several business removed the posters because of it. Which makes me really sad ---- and ummmm..... angry.
The posters are amazing -- and they took Seth time and money to make... if people had problems with them, I wish they would have called and told me -- I mean, I know the owners of these places.... I would have gone and taken the posters back -- it makes me furious to know they probably ended up in the trash. People have the right to do what they like in their businesses. Absolutely. As a business owner, I completely respect that. I guess I'm just having one of those moments where I'm blown away that I live in a city where people would remove a poster for an art opening because it had a pentagram on it. I mean, sure, someone may have loved the poster and taken it -- I've been getting requests for them at the space --- but it's just too much of a coincidence that that many of them would have vanished within a couple days of my putting them up. I don't think I'll be leaving posters in those spots again.

Ahhhhhhh............... Omaha.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I've acquired a couple of new admirers over the past couple of weeks. The first is a very inquisitive 11 year old boy named Ja'Kwai who spent an hour in the shop with me during the Benson Day Festival -- touching everything on my desk and asking me about 100 questions. He's been back to the shop three times in the past week... the last time he came in -- he asked about "My man" and why I wasn't married yet ----- oh sweetie, I don't even know where to begin with that one.

My other "admirer" is actually more of an early stage stalker... this older man with a serious drinking problem who keeps coming to the store to tell me that I've "left an impression on him"...... yeeeeeaaaaah. He's also stalking the woman who owns the bakery across the street, while freaking out her staff a bit. I think she's getting the worst of it -- since he was so impressed by her that he's making a portrait of her. My sister thinks I need a taser to keep in my desk ---- this guy is making me feel like she might be right.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

My friends Shane and Keri are moving back to the states this summer -- into a lovely home in CT.... this Friday, the movers are coming to pick up the lovely instruments and furniture I've been keeping for them over the past year.... I am truly going to miss having them at the house... especially the piano. I can't play to save my life -- but I love the idea of having a piano in the house.... I'd love to try and find a cheapie I can get .... maybe on craigslist.... hmmmmm.....

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

My throat hurts today. Not sure why.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

For some reason, it feels like George Carlin was supposed to live forever. Not sure why.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Actually -- that's not quite right.... I haven't been sleeping lately. Period. I fall asleep just fine --- but have been waking up at about 3am every morning and ummmm --- that's it. I've been reading, sewing, watching movies.... this morning, I got up and did some laundry..... I'm just not sleeping anymore, and it's starting to take a toll. I'm forgetting things --- and feel extra clumsy.... and just "off" all day long. By 11pm, I'm desperate to be in my bed -- only to find myself there, fours hours later -- wide awake and a little pissed off about it.

The bad thing is ------ I know what's wrong. I just don't know what to do about it.

*sigh*

In the evening
In the evening, darling
When the sun goes down

In the evening
When the sun goes down
It's so lonesome and lonesome
When the one you love is not around

Last night I was laying sleeping, darling
All by myself
Last night I was laying sleeping, darling
All by myself
And the one I really really love
He was laying somewhere else

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The Longest Week.... Ever.

2008-06-21T11:55:00.004-05:00

It is blissfully quiet in the shop this morning.

Normally, a Saturday morning with this much silence would have me feeling edgy.... but this morning -- it's completely welcome... and kinda wonderful.

The past seven days have been a chaotic flurry of activity at the space. It was an amazing week -- but I am BEYOND exhausted:

Last Saturday was the Benson Day Festival... I opened the store at 8:45am (got here and there were already people milling about outside) and stayed open til 9:15pm when I finally decided I was gonna collapse and locked the door. It was a GREAT day for the shop --- lots of new faces and sales -- but it was never ending.... there were people in here for 13 hours straight without pause. The beer garden was set up right outside the store -- which made for some interesting people watching.... the only downside of the day was having to endure about 11 hours of the loudest, worst cover bands I have ever heard. Ugh. I thought the slowed down, rock ballad version of Britney's "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" -- sung by a man, was a joke, at first -- but, um...... no.

Sunday was spent taking down Jeff King's exhibit in the gallery and spackling the walls so that I could come in bright and early on Monday morning and paint because the next artist, Seth Johnson, was going to need a full week to install.

I got the space finished just in time for a free performance event taking place in the gallery that night -- a local writers' workshop held a reading, concert, silent auction -- it was a great event, lots more new faces in the space -- but by the time it ended -- things were such a mess that I ended up staying til 2am re-painting the walls (I love those indie rock boys to death -- but gawd damn they're a dirty wall-leanin' bunch!). So -- I ended up working another 13 hours on my only day off for the week.
gene kwak reading at the "runaways" event
Seth showed up on Tuesday morning with a gallon of black paint and several boxes of art. He worked in the gallery for 4 days straight installing his show. This week was a serious lesson in letting go for me -- as he painted large portions of the gallery black, I sat at my desk and tried not to panic, reminding myself that this is what primer was for.

In the end -- I loved the way it turned out --- it's amazing.

The opening last night was wonderful -- it got off to a slow start, but by 10pm it was rolling along at full speed, so I let it go til about 11pm before closing the bar and calling it a night. It was a great event... as much as the openings stress me out -- they're amazing nights for the gallery and the artists. They make me proud. They're just SO much flippin' work ... I need an assistant, an intern or a clone (maybe all three?) -- the weeks before the openings are just batshit, and I can't sort out a way to make them more manageable.

So, yeah............. I'm kinda happy to just sit here by myself for a few hours today. Tomorrow is my first real day off in two weeks and I plan to spend it doing a whole lot of nothing at all.

Lots of other things have happened in the past seven days --- and I'll fill you in on them next week (promise...) but right now, I'm gonna take my book and apple and sit outside on the bench and enjoy some sunshine.

I'm done!

Peach, Plum, Pear..... Peach, Plum!

2008-06-10T18:09:00.004-05:00

The rest of last week kinda ran the same way it started............ um, badly.

On Friday night, I broke the heel off one of my favorite shoes at The Waiting Room... 1/2 way through a concert. I was just standing there chatting with someone and suddenly, I'm falling backwards. Perfect!

Then -- on Saturday -- I don't even open the store -- decided to give myself an extra day off and head to KC a bit early.... but at some point during my errands that morning........... I LOSE THE KEY TO MY HOUSE. No -- I wish I was kidding. I get home to nab some things before getting on the road.... go to open the front door -- and ---- no house key! I check EVERY WHERE before giving up and getting back in the car and just leaving. I get to KC a few hours later...... and find the missing key in the pocket of my dress -- I really have no idea how it got there.... Maria said it was a sign --- I think she may have been right.

The weekend? The weekend was absolute perfection from the moment I hit I29 South. The drive down was beautiful --- I love making that trip -- just lots of green fields, blue sky and time to think. I sang along with Joanna Newsom all the way down -- screaming at top of my lungs --- which might explain why I lost my voice on Sunday.

Can we chat about Kansas City for a moment? Please?

I LOVE that city ---- I mean.... I LOVE it. I love driving into it. I love the people there -- the food and the art and the way it feels. I love the neighborhoods and architecture.... Kansas City just makes me feel excited and happy -- every time I visit, it's the same.

And the men.............. *sigh* ............. the eye candy never stops in Kansas City. So many wonderful new faces to steal glances at..... I love it.... just looking out the window at dinner is a joy.

I had the best time.... had a great dinner, the BEST burger at a spot called Blanc Burgers & Bottles -- visited the Nelson and saw this -- which left me gobsmacked, went to a great cocktail party where I visited the studio of an amazing artist, Maria & Torry had a BBQ so that I could visit with friends... it was just the best time.

And --- I got to spend two whole days with the love of my life...

Sofi just gets more amazing each time I see her. I was in awe of her every day... she changes so much with each visit. We just played all day and sang and danced... there just aren't words for how much I love this little girl.

Kansas City was good for me. It gave me time to think and work out what I've been feeling lately. Maria helped me sort some things out -- helped me see a few things I couldn't see clearly on my own... she's kinda been spending the better part of the past 30 years doing that, I guess. I would be lost without her. No lie.

I realized that --- sometimes, I'm wrong. About people and places and things. More importantly, I realized that ----- that's okay! Even when things don't work the way I hoped they would.... I'm learning new lessons and sorting shit out -- THAT'S what really matters. I have options and choices and support systems that I tend to be blind to most of the time. But what's best? I have a million adventures -- just waiting for me to make them happen. Why I forget such simple things is beyond me -- but I do. I get too caught up in the "Can'ts" ---------- I need to stop that.

Because, I CAN. I can do so many things.... I just need to claim them and do them and make them happen. It's never too late...... for anything, you know?

Anyways ---- I feel 200% better than I did a week ago -- focused and opptimistic........ and joyful.

Joyful.

Piss and Vinegar

2008-06-06T12:01:00.006-05:00

Ugh. I have NOT been a happy girl lately.

I've been full of piss and vinegar this week. Just angry. About everything and nothing and all that lies between. The week got off to a bad start and has just been rolling along that way ever since.

Monday, I don't even want to talk about.

Tuesday --- The AC at the shop was broken... it was like 90 outside with 110% humidity -- just a nasty day. I have this vintage oak case in the back of the gallery that's filled with book arts... I had made a great display in there with logs from my yard and moss -- which has been awesome... til last week. Last week -- I found this odd bug in the case -- I got rid of it, only to come in the next day to find another one just like it in there. The next day -- there were a few more -- and by Tuesday -- the case was FILLED with them.

After spending a horrible afternoon looking at bugs on the web (there are things out there that I wish I was still unaware of!) I learned that they were horntail wood wasps -- their eggs had been laid in the bark on my logs... it got warm and *viola* I had a colony of them living in my case. Sweet!

So Tuesday --- I had to deal with them. I'll spare you the gory details... it was NOT cute.

Then someone came into the store to tell me that I couldn't be in a bad mood because I'm NEVER in a bad mood... like, how dare I be having a bad day. He was followed by this women sent straight by satan to try my patience. She walks in and starts ranting about the "pornography" I currently have on display in the gallery. Demanding that I acknowledge that Propane Jane was a "dirty picture." She then moves over to the store, starts picking things up and asking me how much they cost -- when I tell her -- she starts complaining about how expensive everything is -- tells me that my store is obviously meant for rich people. She leaves -- only to return a few minutes later, with her husband, to show HIM the porn.

*sigh*

After they left ---- I locked the door and hid behind my desk trying to sort out whether I could emotionally cope with being open. I got through the day.... barely... but I did it.

The week's just felt like crap and nothing's made it feel better... and I've tried everything! Chocolate croissants from the Bread Oven, a silly new gingham dress, chats with friends, listening to all the Wes Anderson soundtracks on repeat, filling the shop with peonies from the yard, gelato from the e-Creamery, several amazing thunderstorms, drinking wine in the middle of the day (ok, maybe that helped a wee bit...) -- I just feel blue and grumpy.

Last night -- someone asked if I'd read my horoscope lately, I hadn't -- so I checked it this morning to discover that Mercury's in retrograde (again) -- which came as no great surprise. I'm pretty sure the last time I felt like this -- that was happening. The good news is -- it will pass... the bad news is -- it's supposed to be like this for another couple of weeks -- culminating with the next full moon on the 18th -- which is supposed to kick my ass, but good.

Oh joy!

I've decided to give myself a little vacay this weekend ... I'm packin' a bag and going south to KC for a visit with Maria and the family -- the goodness waiting there is stronger than wood wasps, wonky relationships, water damaged driveways and a week's worth of weepy, anger-filled nights. I haven't really left Omaha for more than a day since the shop opened..... I do believe I'm overdue for a break.

I think spending a few days having adventures with a 1 1/2 year old bundle of sweetness will do my heart a bit of good. I'm also going to try to visit the monks staying downtown and creating a Sand Mandala at the Om Center for a bit before I leave. It's just not like me to feel like this for such a long run of days... it'll pass, I know that -- but hopefully a change of venue will speed that up a bit.

*fingers crossed*

Uncomfortable Art Moment No. 8

2008-05-23T14:34:00.013-05:00

So ----- I've been getting a lot of new visitors to the gallery lately. Lots of men stopping by on their way to the barbershop and "tattoo parlor" (oh, those quotes are there for a reason, trust me) around the corner from my shop. Most of them walk by the shop every month on their way to get their hair cut -- but have never so much as paused as they pass the windows. Til now.

Why the sudden interest in Pulp among the menfolk of Benson? Let me introduce you to Propane Jane:

Jane is part of Jeff King's show in the gallery this month, and altho I love her dearly, I could live without the almost constant flow of creepiness she lures into the shop. Most guys just stand there for a minute -- make some comments under their breath and leave without looking at me or anything else in the space... no biggie, I can take that lot....

But this afternoon --- I had a guy in here that was freaking me out a bit.

He walks in, and instantly the store reeks of cigs and old beer -- he's FILTHY -- like, not a little unkempt -- but downright dirty. I'm waiting for him to ask for some money -- but instead, he goes right over to Jane, face right in front of her ass... leaning into the painting -- and says loudly: "Damn -- ain't this SOMETHIN'! I REALLY like this picture. How much does somethin' like this here cost?"

I tell him --- expecting him to leave... but he doesn't. "My son's getting some work done over at that tattoo place... I was killin' time -- didn't 'spect to see something like this -- no sir! Lookit her! Jeeeeeeeesus!"

Okay. I'm officially uncomfortable now. This guy just stands there --- staring ---- for, I kid you not, like 5 minutes. He examines the painting from several different angles -- like he's gonna get an extra glimpse of something if he crouches and looks at it from below.

Finally, another customer comes in and breaks his "concentration" and he starts to leave -- not before coming to my desk to tell me that I made his day. "MmmmmmMmmmmmMMMMMMMMM! Didya ever!"

I need a shower.

This was followed, about 30 minutes later, by my looking out the window to find a couple making out like no body's business in a car parked in front of my shop. I mean --- seriously going at it. I turn around and go back to the computer, and about 10 minutes later a woman comes in and says "I think the people in that white car might be having sex." Ummmmmm --- okay. I decide not to look -- but when the woman was leaving, I glance out the window and the couple are still in the car -- windows rolled down, seats back, smoking.

Ummmmmmmmmm..... yeah.

Shower.

................

In other news ----

Had a great night at the shop yesterday. Some reps from Knoll hosted an event in the gallery for about 30-some local interior designers and it turned out to be a wonderful night.

They brought in lots of food and wine... and the designers decorated recycled binders and boxes with wrapping paper from the shop. Everyone was super sweet -- and it brought a lot of people from West Omaha down... which was the best bit -- because I have yet to figure out a way to bring West Omaha folks into the space. By the end of the night -- they were making plans to come to the next opening (yay!) It was really wonderful having people who design spaces for a living saying that they loved what I'd done with the store, design-wise..... made me super happy and proud. Everyone had a great time... and it was wonderful promotion for the store -- a pretty perfect night!

Tonight, I get to have supper with my friend, Stefanie -- whom I haven't seen in six months since she moved to LA. And then I get to spend the weekend soppin' up some east coast love with Tara & Stuart -- so happy!

Despite the rainy, gray days (and the occassional creepy perv at Pulp) --- I've been *super* happy this week....... it's pretty perfect all the way 'round, these days.

A Bit of Catch Up

2008-05-20T15:02:00.006-05:00

Sorry to leave you with two weeks of silence after that last post.... the past couple of weeks have been insane --- really good --- but chaotic.

The play ended on the 10th -- after two weeks of great shows following the single not so great one. I was a bit nervous the first night back out -- but got over it quickly -- and by the end -- I was having a great time 95% of the time I was out there. I had lots of great friends come out and see the show during the last couple of weeks -- including Dan -- which was an unexpected (wonderful) surprise.
the cast & crew

I feel a bit odd now that it's over... I miss my Man from Nebraska family and going to the theater every weekend. I'm still having these funny moments when people come up to compliment me on my performance (usually older Blue Barn Theatre patrons)-- I can feel my face get hot and I tend to unconsciously fold my arms over my chest *grin* It still blows me away to think that I spent the past month showing my breasts to a few hundred people here.....

I still kinda can't believe I did it at all. Any of it. People keep asking if I would do it again.... and I think that I would. It changed my life in this wonderous way that I'm still trying to understand -- but I know that it was a GOOD change, maybe one of the best.

SideNote: I just want to thank everyone for the kind words and pep talks after the little scare I had on stage -- it all meant lots & lots to me. Thank you!

Anyways --- once the play ended, I was in full on Gallery Opening mode -- this month's artist, Jeff King -- is one of my favorites. I bought a piece of his two years ago when I got back to Omaha and was excited to be able to show his work in the space. The opening was AMAZING --- it was a great night. My friend, Tim, was the DJ -- spinning vinyl up front... lots of new faces and old friends came through -- such a great night for the gallery and the store.
Jeff King and I by "Fugazzi"

I spent the rest of the weekend trying to get my life back on track -- trying to make the house a livable space and not just a spot I drop in to sleep and shower (groceries? I barely remember groceries!). I caught an opening at the RNG Gallery and went to a great cocktail party at my friends Amy & Stuart's beautiful home. I ran through a Goodbye BBQ for my friend Julia -- who's moving to Austin tomorrow and on Sunday watched some badminton at Dan's. It was a beautiful weekend here...

Monday was spent in the yard -- I took down the old swing set in the back and tackled this tree/bush thing that was swallowing the far corner of the yard... I was at that thing for HOURS -- and have the battle scars to prove it. My arms and legs look like I have a bit of a cutting problem -- that, or really angry cats -- but I won out in the end and what was once a mass of mostly dead branches -- now looks like a tame weeping willow tree... yay!

It's really been a great couple of weeks --- with more great things to come within the next few... my friend Elle is moving back from NYC this weekend -- Stuart and Tara will be in town for about a week, I'm going to try and get to KC soon -- and am looking forward to just BEING in my house for a bit -- maybe doing some painting?

We shall see --- it's summertime --- anything goes! I think the next few months are going to be great ones... if they're anything like the past three -- I'll be the luckiest girl in Omaha.

A Shitty, Shitty Sunday......

2008-04-29T12:49:00.003-05:00

This weekend with the play was an odd one of extremes...

Saturday's performance was *amazing* -- I believe it was a full house -- or damn near close to it -- and everything was right on. I was super excited because my "Omaha Mom and Aunt" -- Katy's mom, Joanie and Aunt Shirley came to see it -- along with Katy and her husband, Tim. I was really happy/proud that Tim came ... it seems as tho most of the men in my life are not going to see the show -- which is a chat for another post, I think. Anyways --- Saturday was brilliant. Our Stage Manager, Amy, who is tinier than me -- came backstage at intermission and picked me up -- she was so proud. I had FUN on Saturday... from the get go! A first!

Then came Sunday. Sunday's show was also sold out -- but the majority of the seats were filled with students from Metro Community College -- where the Director, Susann, is a Dean. She'd given me a chat before the show -- about how the crowd would be different than other nights... which was obvious right off the bat. They talked pretty much through the entire show -- sometimes making comments that were just odd & rude. You can hear everything the audience says from the stage. The whole show just felt off....

And then we had to do the sculpture scene.

The gist of the scene is that it opens with me sitting on a wooden box, under a light, wearing a sheet wrapped around my waist and not much else. I'm in profile to the audience... it's a beautiful, telling scene, but it is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life EVERY time I have to do it. I'm not getting used to it -- I'm not feeling comfy with it. Someone has to hold my hand and tell me to breath up until the minute I go out -- and taking those four steps from the wing of that stage to the box require every ounce of strength and faith and courage that I have in me. Every time.

On Sunday, when the light came up on me... someone in the audience said, loudly, "What the fuck"..... and laughed.

............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Yeah.

Okay. I know that it was just some silly boy who was embarrassed or something about what he was seeing. Maybe they were the first set he'd seen in real life ... or something? Maybe? He was a just a stupid, rude boy. Rationally -- I know this. But it shook me to my core. I felt completely exposed and aware of myself -- BEYOND terrified. I cannot explain it. I don't have the right words.

I got through the scene. I got through the talk back session after the play -- during which Susann explained a thing or two about what their behavior did to the performance in a manner which left them wide-eyed and speechless (I officially love this woman). I made it through all that before I started crying... and then... I went home and threw up for ummmm....... 36 hours straight. I couldn't get out of bed yesterday... I couldn't keep water in my stomach -- it was HORRIBLE. It was the worst anxiety attack I've ever had.... times a million.

I'm better today. My whole body aches like I was beat with a stick, but I'm better. I know that what happened on Sunday won't happen again ... but I'm still feeling off and worried about going back to the theater on Thursday. Thinking about doing that scene again makes me shake.

I do see the goodness in it. I made it through the scene.... which is HUGE. When I heard that boy laugh, everything in me wanted to get up and run -- fuckin' flee... but I planted my feet and kept my head back and said my lines and finished it. For me.... that's beyond huge.

For me..... that's damn near miraculous.

I'm proud of that. I'm still freaked out about going back.... but I know that I can't let what happened get in the way of what this play is doing for me. It's bigger than that boy... it's greater than his rudeness.

I'm just not sure what to do with this new batch of fear I feel. I need to find a place for it before Thursday night.... and I have no clue how to make that happen.

Who's That Girl?

2008-04-25T11:48:00.005-05:00

I don't know how to explain what the past week's been like for me... I feel very outside of myself these days -- like I'm watching this woman who looks a lot like me do these things that I, personally, would just never be able to do. I am utterly in awe of her, I'm proud of her and to be completely honest, I'm a teeny tiny bit scared of her. I don't know how to make that make sense. I've never felt like this before.

The play's been going really well.... I'm not crying anymore before I go on... I shake and hyperventilate a little (the stage crew and cast are constantly reminding me to breath *grin*) -- but no more weeping. And on Saturday, it actually felt.... fun! The last scene is still super hard for me to do... but I do it!

This play is changing everything for me..... it's so odd to be in the middle of this -- to be aware of your life shifting. It's overwhelming.

Last night, a great group of friends (Dana, Allyson, Jackie and Becky) came to see the show -- and afterwards, they bought me champagne and told me I was beautiful on stage -- that I was great at what I was doing. That made me cry... just a bit. And I also made myself read the reviews last night -- which I had NOT been doing. And -- ummmm..... they like it too!!!! The Reader had great things to say... as did the Omaha World-Herald -- and the City Weekly was insane -- with a great review of the play AND an amazing review of the show that's currently up in the gallery!!! I'll post them as soon as they're online....

This past week was just a great one. In addition to the play, I got to chat with Evan and Christy (both of whom I haven't spoken with in ages) and I got to spend time with my friend, Zac -- who spent the night on Tuesday with his friend Ben -- as they head west on this great road trip from Pittsburgh through the southwest to Seattle

Zac (on the right) is one of the trio of artists that I met at the Bemis in 2004 and went off to Seattle with. I adore him -- and haven't had a chance to see him in almost 2 years. I wish the visit could have lasted longer ... but it was great meeting him and making a new friend in Ben. As they were getting ready to leave on Wednesday -- they asked me to come with them.... and ugh! if it hadn't been for the play, I think I'd be camping at the Grand Canyon right now.

I hope another 2 years doesn't pass before I get to see him again. Chatting with him made me miss Seattle very much -- I miss the mountains and the water and walking down to to Pike Place Market -- I miss it lots. I wish I could get back there this year, I'm not sure that's really possible, but it's something to aim for.

So yeah ----- things are good in the Big O! these days. This weekend, I'm doing the play right through Sunday, going to catch some of the Bull Riding Event at the Bemis and there's a cast party tomorrow night, which should be fun. I hope to get some work done in the yard this weekend too... maybe get some things into the ground... I think Spring has finally arrived here -- the trees are greening up and there are great storms at night. Things are just really good.

Really, really good.

"None of This Means Anything Without a Witness"

2008-04-17T10:41:00.005-05:00

Last night.

Last night, I sat in a dark corner at The Blue Barn, alone... shaking... listening to Jake Bellows sing in my ear while trying my damnedest to remember to breath.

Last night, I sat backstage and wept as two truly amazing women -- who were strangers to me a few months ago -- held me and told me that they loved me and had absolute faith in me.

Last night, I watched this play unfold from the wings of the stage -- holding onto a member of the stage crew's hand until he had to let it go so that he could set the stage for my entrance.

Last night, I stepped out onto the stage in front of people -- for the first time -- and surfed the hell outta my fear. I donned my accent and said my lines... I made people laugh! I didn't cry or freak out or umm -- die..... I just did it.

Last night, I sat on stage, under the lights, wearing nothing more than a sheet wrapped around my waist. I sat there -- head thrown back, arms out behind me, completely exposed and open in front of about 50 people I didn't know... and 2 really wonderful friends.

Ha!!!

I DID THAT!!!!

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!

Last night was one of the most terrifying, yet utterly amazing nights of my life. Last night, I got to cross No. 7 off my To-Do List for this year. Last night changed everything. I did all that ... I did it. Me!!!!

I'm giddy today. Just in awe of myself and what I just did. I mean -- I have to do it 15 more times... but it will never be as hard as last night... ever. I'm so..... proud!

In the play -- one of my character's last lines is "None of this means anything without a witness" -- I've been saying those words for months now -- but I think last night was the first time I understood the magnitude of what they mean. I've lived my entire life trying to hide... to be small and go unnoticed. I am quiet. I've spent decades just trying to disappear. What have I been doing? I don't speak up... I don't tell people how I feel or what I think or want or anything because I don't think my feelings are important. What the hell have I been doing? All of it's important -- ALL of it matters!

What good is it to keep everything inside to myself? We have to show it to people -- we have to share it all -- no matter what the end results might be. It's so simple -- but I never saw it before last night. A few days ago -- Susann, the Director, gave me this speech about my doubts and fears and she said "You have a right to be here." -- at first, I thought she just meant here, like on the stage... but that's not it! I understand what she was trying to tell me now. I have a right to be HERE!!

I can't explain how I feel today ... I don't think I'm making a lot of sense ... I'm sorry. Every thing's different and I don't know how to put words to it.

I guess all that really matters is that I did it... I'm doing it... it's terrifying and beautiful and it's changing every little thing. But I'm doing it........ Me.

I'm here.

My Days of Chicken-dom are Numbered

2008-04-12T14:54:00.007-05:00

Once again --- I'm so sorry for all the silence. I can't believe it's already the middle of April and this is the first chance I've had to post... things will calm down again soon -- promise.

I wish I could write that I've been off having all sorts of amazing adventures and romances and other assorted goodness... but the truth is, I've just been working lots at the shop and when I'm not there, I'm down at the Blue Barn (the theater hosting the play) rehearsing and ummm..... being scared outta my ever-lovin' mind.

The play opens on Thursday -- actually, if you count the preview run -- it opens Wednesday. That gives me three days to get it together. I've got my lines down, and I think my accent is coming along all right -- I know where I'm supposed to be on stage.............. I just can't get a handle on the fear.

That's not quite right. I'm not sure fear is the right word for what I'm feeling these days. Terror? Ahhhh -- yes, that about sums it up.

I'm terrified.

I cry. A lot. And ummm.............. not because I'm supposed to for the role. I'm not really sleeping much anymore... I lie in my bed and run lines in my head... I've become ubber aware of every move that I make... trying to get myself to be still (no hands in hair, no trying to make myself small and hidden) Basically.... I go to the Blue Barn every night and confront about a thousand of my biggest fears... all at one time... in front of a bunch of other people. It's like some crazy fucked up therapy thing --- and the funny-ish thing is.... I think it might be helping me, I'm not sure -- but maybe?

I think if I can get through next week --- there's not gonna be a helluva lot I WON'T be able to do. If I can make this happen -- if I can walk out there, stand under the lights and do what needs to be done with 100 strangers looking at me..... and do it WELL -- I mean.... really -- thinking about how amazing that's going to feel makes me antsy. And the best bit is ------ under all this freaked out bullshit... there's a part of me that really believes I can do it.

Susann -- the Director -- explained the other night (after another bought of tears from me) that the fear isn't gonna go away. What needs to happen is that I have to "surf it" -- I have to ride it and use it and make it work. I'm not there yet -- but hopefully, in the next couple of days, I'll get there.

So, I dunno........ maybe I HAVE been off having amazing adventures these past few weeks. Just, you know -- not the sort that you'd like to send postcards about.

In other news..... I've got an opening in the space tonight -- really love the show. Dana's show last month was *amazing* for the gallery -- we sold several pieces, including on that will be part of a permanent collection of art in a new annex to the University of Nebraska's Med Center -- such great news!

I've been having fun too! Well -- trying to anyways.... I had a great night at Tim McEvoy's annual Rock-n-Roll Jeopardy event last week --- my team came in 2nd place, well actually, my friend Scott came in 2nd place -- Katy and I just helped keep him company while he played. I went to the Neva Dinova album release show the other night... the record is wonderful -- I'm not just saying that because I *heart* Jake Bellows -- but it's truly great and is one of my new favorite-est things. Been hitting a few great art openings in town... went to the re-opening of the Tugboat Gallery space in Lincoln -- which was a GREAT night. And my friend Zac should be coming through town really soon -- which has been making me super happy -- I haven't seen him since I left Seattle and miss him so very much.

Things at the shop have been all right.... the weather's been making things suck (it's snowing today... snowing!) but I'm hoping the warm weather starts bringing more people out. I tweaked the hours for the spring so that I'm closed on Mondays for a bit..... I can't even begin to explain how AMAZING it was to have last Monday off! I got so much done --- it was insane!

That's really all I have for now..... No, I haven't talked to a certain someone about some certain feelings -- but it's coming. I know that it needs to happen, and I actually think I can say what needs to be said... it's just a matter of having a moment to say it. Which hopefully happens soon. I feel like I need to have it out before the play opens... I'm just not sure that I'll have time with him before then. But if I do see him --- it's on. No, really -- I mean it this time. Really!

I promised Maria.... I won't be a chicken all my life.

And, I think this next week will be forcing me to keep that promise.... in more ways than one.

Great Big Gobs of Good Stuff

2008-03-24T17:27:00.011-05:00

Despite the fact that the week felt like complete chaos --- this weekend was absolutely wonderful... the first weekend of Spring was a bit cold and snowy in Omaha -- but as far as I was concerned, everything was bloomin' and bright.

Dana Damewood's opening on Friday at the gallery was a hit & a half... it was packed in the space from the time it got started til I turned the music off 45 minutes after the event was supposed to end. Things couldn't have gone better, she was really happy, everyone had an awesome time, we sold several pieces... it was just a great night from beginning to end.

the lovely Dana Damewood

Joey Lynch (aka the art angel) and Scott Blake

I have to admit, it was an extra special opening for me, because Maria was able to come down from KC for the weekend. It was the first time that she and her husband, Torry, had seen the space --- and I was a little nervous... they mean a lot to me -- and I wanted them to like the space -- which they did... and Maria got to stay for the opening, which was so very very great. It meant everything for me to be able to look across the gallery and see her there. It meant even more to hear her say I'd done well. She means the world to me.

It was also great, because Tim McEvoy (Pulp's new resident DJ) made an awesome mix of music for the night, a lot of my new friends from the play were able to come, and I got to spend some good time with this woman, Annie, who is going to take on the Sunday shift at the shop so that I can have two days off for a bit (JOY!)

If you'd like to see more shots from Friday night -- you can find them here.

Saturday was spent painting a wall in the gallery (red wine accident... miraculously, no art was harmed). I also got to chat with Paul in NYC for a little bit -- which made me really happy, despite making me miss the City so much I wanted to crawl through the phone! Maria and Torry took my sweetest little Sofi to see some gorillas at the zoo while I worked --- then Maria made a great supper at the house afterwards for a few friends.... it was a good night -- lots of laughs and ice cream bars!

Easter Sunday ---- yummy brunch at Dixie Quicks with Wanda, Maria and the family -- lordie, I love having them close --- then four hours of play rehearsal, followed by a three hour nap. I tried really, REALLY hard to watch Lynch's Eraserhead last night.... but, ummmmmmm...... I was kinda hating it. So when I (honestly) accidentally stopped and couldn't get back to the part where I was (because Lynch refuses to use chapters on his DVDs) -- I took it as a sign and did some reading instead.

It was just a great run of days.... the openings still make me nervous -- but they make me so happy at the same time -- people really have a great time in the space -- and it's GOOD for the artists... Dana rocked the house on Friday. It's an honor every month to be able to celebrate the art and the artists. I love being able to do this.... I really do.

OH! And today ----- today I come into work and discover that the gallery got its first bit of national press!!!! A review of Joey Lynch's show -- the first one in the gallery -- was listed in Art Papers' March/April issue!!! I stared at it for about an hour this morning --- a review of a show at Pulp... in Omaha, Nebraska.... listed next to a review of a show in Paris! Following a review of a great group show in NYC featuring work by Ghada Amer --- WHAT?!?!? I know --- it's not a huge thing in the grand scheme of things... but it made me well up, none the less. This weekend, the opening and the review just drove home the fact that this is all happening. No matter how scary it may be -- it's happening.

I'm doing it... and I'm so so so very proud.

Buh Bye, Birdie...

2008-03-17T16:07:00.004-05:00

Last night -- I took myself to the movies again... this time for a showing of Hitchcock's The Birds -- which I had never seen in a theater before.

It must have been at least a decade since I'd seen it... I'd completely forgotten about how abruptly and oddly it ends... and about how hilarious it is when the birds attack the poor, little children of Bodega Bay.

Anyways ---- I get to the shop this morning to find this:

Some of the bricks are missing from the outside corner of my shop -- and the biggest pigeon I've seen in a long time seemed to have crawled into the hole and died. I almost stepped on him -- and then let out a little scream which startled this man on his way to the "Irish pub" across the street (at ummm... 9:45 in the morning!). It just scared me a little! I mean -- you have to admit, it's a creepy coincidence! Eventually, my friend, Jim, came by and got rid of it for me. I know that they're just "rats with wings" -- but it was really a pretty pigeon and it made me sorta sad that he crawled into the corner of my building to die. I wanted to bury it... but Jim scooped it up with a shovel and put it in the dumpster -- *sniff*

Jim also treated me to my first corned beef sandwich today -- which I loved! And I got a great visit from my friend, Elle -- who was in town for a bit after recently moving to NYC -- seeing her made me miss her more somehow... but it was a great visit and I'm happy she had a chance to come by before heading east again.

And, it's pretty official that there's NO need for me to be open on Mondays... if I didn't have rehearsals/performances every Sunday til mid-May, I would just change the shop hours now --- but I can't be here, so that's gonna have to wait til I can get some help (which will hopefully be happening soon). I know that part of the silence today is that the weather is crap (cold and raining and blah!) and it's St. Pat's Day -- but regardless, I feel like most Mondays are spent with me sitting at my desk dwelling on the 100 things I could/should/need to be doing if I weren't here. By myself. For 10 hours.

Ugh.

A Few Saturday SideNotes

2008-03-15T15:37:00.007-05:00

It's gray and cold and quiet today... I've been listening to old Iron & Wine on repeat for hours -- wishing I was home sewing or cooking or reading. I need a new knitting project I can do at the space -- I get antsy when my hands are still.

My mother came into the shop this morning... I wish it had been my actual mother -- but it was this woman that was SO much like my mom that it was breaking my heart. She was older, a bit disheveled, missing her coat -- wearing layers of mis-matched clothing. She walked slowly about the store -- shuffling, almost -- touching everything, asking odd questions in a voice that was basically a whisper. She didn't look homeless -- just a little lost... in need of a bath and someone to watch over her.

She sat at the table in the back of the shop and started looking at all of the books -- one by one taking them down and making stacks around herself. She sat there for about 30 minutes, then asked me how much one was... she couldn't read the tiny price sticker. I told her it was $25... "So much? It's so much.... I like it a lot, but it's so much," she said and I had to turn my back because I suddenly started to well up. In that moment -- I wanted to give her everything I had.

Some other people came into the store -- and as they passed behind her and her piles, I saw one of them scrunch up their face at the smell of her -- I shot them a look so filled with hell fire that they didn't look at me again til they left.

She stayed for about an hour -- finally buying two graphic design books because she liked the pictures -- and left.

I miss my mother. I haven't seen her in almost a year and I miss her more than I have words for. She was supposed to visit last month, but didn't -- she's supposed to come in June -- but I think I might need to travel home before then.

I don't talk about her much to people --- she's the bravest, strongest, most horribly lost woman I know... my greatest hero and heartbreak all rolled into one.

..................................

Took myself to the movies last night to see Rope down at FilmStreams. They're in the midst of this really great Hitchcock Repertory Series -- which is amazing. I had never seen Rope before -- and really liked it... I'll be hitting up The Birds on Sunday -- never seen it on a big screen and I can't wait!

I usually don't go to the movies on Friday nights --- too many couples, I feel frantic waiting for the film to start... but last night, it was being at the house that was making me batty. I guess I'm still not used to having it all to myself again!

..................................

I've begun to have this Pavlov's dog-like reaction to red pick up trucks. Everytime one passes the shop -- my heart starts to beat faster because I think I might be getting a visit from the Object of My Undying & Overwhelming Affection. I have decided that the next time he visits, I have to bite the bullet and be honest with him about what I'm feeling. I was hoping that could happen today.... but I don't think it's gonna happen. Soon tho.... soon, soon, soon.

..................................

Oh my goodness.... oh my GOODNESS!!!

There Once Was a Man from Nebraska....

2008-03-14T17:39:00.005-05:00

confession: I've been keeping a secret from you.

Okay --- I've been keeping lots of secrets these days -- but this one's a great, big, ridiculously terrifying, ENORMOUS, life altering one.

I'm going to be in a play. No, really, I am.

Two things are happening right now.... those of you who just know me in passing are laughing to yourselves, thinking "What is she talking about? How is that a big deal?" And those of you who KNOW me are sitting, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, thinking "What the fuck is she talking about -- how is that even POSSIBLE?!?"

Lemme start from the beginning..............

A few months ago -- I went to see a play at Metro College and met a woman named Susann who teaches Theater there. After seeing her at a few social gatherings and hitting it off wonderfully -- she asked me out for coffee a few months ago, pushed a script in front of me and told me she thought I would be absolutely perfect for a character in it. I started laughing and pushed it right back -- explaining that I have a few (okay, a shit ton) of shyness/anxiety issues. Speech class made me break out in hives during high school, I don't like to be looked at -- hell, I can barely stand having my photo taken. I have never really been on stage before -- I mean, the couple of times I played air organ with Stefanie, I was shaking so bad -- it was silly!

I politely tried to tell Susann she was mistaken, she had the wrong girl, thanks -- but ummmmm.... hellz NO. She pushed the script back -- and very sweetly asked me to read it. She told me that I would come to a part where I'd throw the script on the floor and think she was insane -- but to push through it. I agreed ----- which, honestly, by that point I was doing to escape.

I took the script home... and I read it. Twice. It's called "Man from Nebraska" and I did, indeed, come to a point where I threw it down, laughing hysterically at the very IDEA of doing what's written there (we're not gonna talk about that right now). I left it sitting on the floor by the couch for three whole days -- denying it even existed.

Then I read it again... and thought to myself -- IF and this is a huge fucking IF -- IF you can do this..... you can do anything.

Next thing I knew ---- I was at a reading in the Blue Barn, sitting on a stage with a bunch of strangers that knew what they were doing, trying not to panic. At this point -- I was still telling myself that I wasn't really doing the play -- just -- you know -- checking things out. Afterwards -- Susann took me aside and told me that I really needed to do it, that I would be perfect... and there was something about her ABSOLUTE faith in me -- this feeling that maybe she knew more about me than I know about myself... that she could see something I've missed... that made me agree.

So ummmmmm....... yeah -- next month, I'll be playing the role of a British bartender named Tamyra at the Blue Barn. Just writing that out makes my tummy hurt.

I'm scared shitless.

BUT --- rehearsals seem to be going well, and I've met the most amazing people! Namely my dear new friend, Jonathan whom I have all my scenes with and has been beyond wonderful to me. My accent is coming along -- thanks mainly to Alessi... but please don't ask me to break it out when you see me... it's not gonna happen -- okay? I'm learning so much about myself, every day -- and it's been good so far. Granted -- I'm still a month away from having to do any of these things on a stage... in front of 100 strangers a night... four times a week.... for a month (ohmygawd!) ------------- but I'm trying.

So, yeah.... if you don't see me out & about much these days -- it's because I'll be going to rehearsals almost nightly for the next month. And I can pretty much guarantee that as we creep closer to Opening Night -- a few of you are going to get panicked, weepy phone calls from me...

... it's best that you start to pen those pep talks now... just in case.

Overloadin' on Out o' Town Love

2008-03-13T17:36:00.006-05:00

I'm not really sure how to explain the past couple of weeks --- they've been like this wonderfully joyous, chaotic cyclone of things. Lots of happy comings and not so happy goings that have left me physically and emotionally drained.

My friends, Tara & Stuart, were in town from New York to install a show at The Bemis for the past couple of weeks. I met them almost 5 years ago, during my first stab at life in Omaha, when they were residents at The Bemis for a four month span that literally changed my life (I moved to Seattle with another group of artists staying there at the same time). I love these two people so silly much -- I don't get to see them often, but they're kind of always with me... you know?

We had a great visit -- lots of fun suppers and laugh-filled cups of tea. their installation at The Bemis is amazing -- and we hosted a little pot luck snack session at the house last Saturday, so they could visit with other old friends. It was a great night... and with the time change -- we sat talking til about 4:45am.

That visit overlapped the arrival of my sweetest friend, Alessi, who had arrived from London to do a bit of work on her album and play some shows. She stayed at the house with me (Tara & Stuart just spent a night...) and we had lots of fun and late (oh so LATE) night chats. Part of her stay involved a photo shoot at the Scottish Rite Hall -- she wanted a "family portrait" of all the people who helped with/inspired her album (which she recorded her late last year) to use as part of its cover art. I set up the shoot, wrangling about 15 artists and musicians (not an easy feat!) which was shot by the lovely Dana Damewood --- and the resulting photos were amazing! I'll try to post an out take once I get one from Alessi.

Two nights after the party I hosted for Tara & Stuart -- I had another one for Alessi, so that she could say goodbye to some friends before leaving on Tuesday morning.

It was another great --- but LATE night. The beginning of the week was an emotional one for me -- with all of my visiting friends leaving within two days... I miss them all so much already. It was really wonderful having all of that laughter and energy in the house... I miss being able to have Sunday suppers there -- having the house full of friends -- and hope to get that started again soon.

Needless to say --- all I've done since Tuesday is ummmm.... clean and sleep. The house recovered quickly, but I, on the other hand, have still been pulling myself out of bed each morning. I feel like I haven't been still since everyone arrived -- but it was so worth it... and I wish everyone was still cuddled up on my sofa.

It's odd -- this year has been one of super great visitors -- my friend Christy, my sister, Tara & Stuart, Alessi -- next week brings Maria and the family -- then, I just found out that in April, my friend Zac will be blowing through town during a cross country trip from NYC to Seattle (I CANNOT WAIT to see him -- I miss him SO much!).

Besides all the out of town love -- things have been going all right. This week at Pulp has been kinda crazy -- there's been a last minute change of artists for next week's opening, which has made things a little chaotic this week -- but it's going to be an amazing show and a really fun opening, which I'm super excited about.

The weather has been brilliant the past few days -- 60s and sunshine -- there's an ugly rumor circulating that it's going to be miserable again tomorrow -- but I'm completely in denial about that.

Let's see ---- what else? I've officially christened next week as Get Yo' Shit Together Week. My life is *seriously* off track right now (Taxes? What taxes?) -- the piles of unopened mail are threatening to overtake my house... I need to deal with my taxes, and research some health insurance options, and ummmm ---- find a cheap gym membership (I don't even wanna talk about it). Between the shop and the out of towners -- things have *seriously* gone astray.

I've been thinking about ways to eek an extra day off into the week for myself -- something that NEEDS to happen --- I'm headed right down the ol' burn out highway at about 80 mph right now. I think I'm gonna try to open Pulp on Sundays (like 12pm to 4pm?) and close on Mondays. I'm looking for a "paid volunteer" to take on the Sunday hours -- which would give me two glorious days off in a row (Oh JOY!). Despite the fact that just the thought giving someone a key to this place makes my tummy ache... I know I HAVE to do it. I've been burning the candle at both ends -- and recently am trying to torch it right through the center -- since October. Even just having an extra day for the summer would be a great help -- and let me start to deal with my life OUTSIDE the shop again.

Okay --- I'll post more tomorrow -- promise. I'm getting an early start on Get Yo' Shit Together Week by trying to enter six months of receipts for the business into Quick(bane of my fuckin' existence)Books -- which is horrible and boring and somehow ridiculously confusing all at the same time.

Why can't getting organized be more like eating ice cream?

Happy (Stubble-Free!) Monday

2008-03-10T15:09:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to share a bit of how my day got started.....

This morning, I woke up, looked at the clock -- 7:30am -- and decided that after a crazy, but wonderful weekend (which I'll post about tomorrow, promise!) that I deserved an extra hour of sleep... rolled over and went at it.

8:30am -- decided that I really didn't NEED to go to the bank this morning, nabbed my book from the floor by the bed and started to read...

9am -- rolled out of bed, unplugged my phone from the charger...... and realized that it was actually 10am -- that I'd forgotten to change the clock in my bedroom and was about to be silly late for work.

Jumped in the shower, and in a moment of craziness that I still don't understand, decided that I *really* needed to shave my legs -- despite being late, and umm.... the fact that NO ONE would be seeing, let alone touching, my legs anytime soon. But whatever --- I grabbed my razor and set about getting the deed done.

At some point, I was holding the razor between my teeth so that I could lather up a leg -- mind you, I've done this maybe a million times in the past 30 years, but this morning, I somehow managed to SLICE MY NOSE with it. Two little scratch marks on my nostril --- which proceeded to bleed, like I'd been whacked with an axe (not exaggerating here, boys & girls -- we're talking Carrie-esque amounts), for about an hour.

It was still bleeding when I got to work (made it with 10 minutes to spare!) -- and now it's settled into this super sore, throbbing spot on my face.

So -- I started my week with silky smooth legs -- which are basically non-existent -- buried under a pair of mis-matched socks, knee high boots and jeans AND a scabbed, red nose... that everyone can see!

Sounds about right................... yup.

Thirty-Seven Things to Do Before I'm Thirty-Eight

2008-02-29T12:46:00.009-06:00

In no particular order.....

1) go fishing and/or camping
~~2) finish another quilt~~
3) eat a meal at the flatiron cafe
~~4) visit a city I’ve never been to before~~
5) knit a sweater
~~6) redo the main bathroom at the house~~
~~7) conquer a great big fear~~
8) fly a kite
~~9) visit the des moines art center~~
10) find a way to spend more time with my family
11) read watership down
12) learn to make Iraqi meat pies like my grandmother’s
13) ride a ferris wheel
~~14) climb a tree~~
15) have my tarot cards read
16) make a perfect croissant
~~17) start a tradition~~
18) learn to play one song on my guitar or Shane’s piano
19) host a small, music themed salon at the house
20) start my buddhist meditation practice again
21) take a pottery class
22) start to research my family tree
23) learn to make tamales
24) sew myself a dress
~~25) tell him how I feel about him~~
~~26) watch five foreign classics~~
~~27) take a vacation (even if it’s just for a day)~~
28) plant a fruit tree in my yard
29) learn to change a flat tire
~~30) buy wind energy credits for the house & gallery~~
~~31) start a collection~~
32) get a dog
~~33) rebuild my record collection~~
34) shoot one roll of film every month
~~35) reupholster a piece of furniture~~
36) learn to speak a little Italian
37) find a moment of joy each month and document it somehow.

I nabbed the idea for this list from the lovely Andrea over at HulaSeventy -- thought it was a brilliant set of goals to have for the year. I'm excited to start checking things off the list.........

My Goodness! How the Time Flies....

2008-02-28T11:24:00.013-06:00

I'm not 100% what the deal was with February -- but something about this month made it kind of impossible for me to write. I think that I've just been super busy, feeling a little overwhelmed and trying to settle and catch my breath from the past couple of months (that's ummm... not really happening). The weather has been getting to me -- for sure... not the grey or the snow, but the insane temps we've been having -- weeks of 4˚ days -- sometimes I feel like 1/2 the energy I use during the day is spent just trying to stay warm!

Overall tho ---- it was a great month, just packed:

That panel at the Bemis that I sat on went pretty well -- there were a lot more people there than I had expected. But, I held my own up there -- once I got over being freaked the fuck out for the first 10 minutes. I'm still having these moments where I feel like "what the fuck?!?" when people ask me my opinions on art and business -- I mean, I've only been doing this for a few months -- and I'm sitting at a table with someone from the Nebraska Arts Council talking about creative communities?! Really? Damn.

The morning of that panel was also Nebraska's first Democratic Caucus -- which was super interesting (and maybe a little chaotic). I'm sure you've heard that Obama reigned supreme... but being in that gym with 1300 other people supporting him really brought things home for me. I can honestly say that I've never been this excited about an election -- or a candidate -- before... ever. That's a whole other post for later -- but let's just say that the fact this is even happening -- that this man has a very real chance of being our President is beyond thrilling for me.

Valentine's Day at the shop went well -- but that week was a nightmare of 16 hour days. I had to un-install the Paper Dolls show (which, by the way, continued to sell WONDERFULLY right up to the moment I boxed the work up... it was *amazing*!!!), patch & paint the walls and hang the new work by Brett Anderson (if you haven't seen this show -- PLEASE stop by, the work is brilliant) and get ready for the opening and my first gallery talk that weekend.

While all of that was happening, I was also getting ready for a visit from my sister, Kim. She only stayed for a few days -- but we had a great time. She loved the shop -- her telling me that she was proud of me was one of the greatest moments I've had on this journey.

Let's see .... what else:

Dan & I made a pretty kick ass chicken pot pie supper... well, actually, he made it -- but I rolled out the crust, which has gotta count for something! It was the first time we've spent time alone in a long time... I miss having that with him. But he's working on a new album and getting ready to tour -- so it may be a while before it happens again.

I got to help my dear friend, Ted, celebrate his birthday -- which made me very happy. I have no words for how great this guy is -- his friendship and support have kept me going on days that I felt like throwing in the towel and running off to god knows where. He's amazing.

I watched the entire third season of Lost -- pretty much in four hour marathons and can now try to get caught up on this season -- so DON'T TALK ABOUT IT! I'm just gonna buy the episodes from iTunes or something, since I don't have access to a functional TV.

I went to see Scottish bag pipers play at the Holland with two genuine Scotts -- my friends Karen and Mark, which I enjoyed very much. Every year -- I miss the Scotts Day Parade in NYC -- hundreds of kilt clad men with bag pipes marching down 6th Avenue -- *sigh* Heaven!

My friends, Mary Claire and Ian, had a beautiful little girl named, Tallulah. And my friends Jill and Brian *finally* welcomed their little boy, Calder, last week... who just might be the cutest little boy ever --- I mean -- oh my goodness! Look at him!

And this week --- three of my all time favoritest people are in town all at once, and it's almost more joy than I can handle. My friend Stuart, 1/2 of my beloved Bushwick Farms, got into town on Saturday and I've been having THE BEST time with him this week. His lovely wife, Tara, arrives on Friday and I'm almost giddy at the thought of getting to spend some time in her beautiful, brilliant presence. AND -- if that wasn't enough, Alessi -- my sweetest friend from London arrives tonight for a week of great hugs, music and love -- it's better than Christmas over here!

Oh my goodness -- and let's not forget the eclipse -- which I watched from the corner on a freezing night with a few new friends in Benson -- it was so amazing!

Just writing that all out made me realize how crazy this month's really been... and that's not even all of it.

And, I have to admit, that I spent huge chunks of the past 20 days pining -- lying on my bed with my hand on my heart listening to guitar-laden love songs (Cat Stevens' "How Can I Tell You" on repeat, actually). Yes, that's still happening. Yes, I know I need to deal with it. I know, I know, I know. The past few months have been insane for me and this lil' heart o' mine... but it will get sorted out soon... it's just time. Mainly because it's all I can focus on anymore -- this guy fills every moment of my days & nights... and I just can't be this distracted anymore.

I have to admit... I'm looking forward to March. I think it's gonna be a goodie for me... I'm waking up a bit, maybe defrosting is a better way to put it -- and I've got lots I want to accomplish... I'm excited about the next stretch, even tho I know there's some heart ache waiting for me around the corner, I think once I pass it -- things will be much clearer for me. I know none of that makes sense right now... but it will.

I promise.

And Baby Makes... Two?

2008-02-08T11:53:00.000-06:00

I found this article from my dear friend Ted waiting for me when I came into work this morning: Marry Him from The Atlantic -- it's a long one, but a good, rather entertaining read.

In a nutshell -- it's an article written by a 40-something woman who chose to have a baby by herself (via the sperm bank), rather than settling and marrying someone who was less than her "Mr. Perfect." In the article she advises AGAINST making the same choices she did -- stating that all women really want a partner, even tho they might claim not to need one, and that finding "Mr Perfect" as a single mother is damn near next to impossible.

As a 37-year-old single woman without the slightest hint of a relationship in her future --- this article really struck home with me. Not so much the settling bit --- that's just stupid... I'm not going to run out and marry someone I am not attracted to -- or connected to -- just to have a husband. That sounds like a recipe for disaster. I will admit -- over the past seven years my "taste" in a partner has morphed a bit. I still crave those young, thin, kinda dirty, ridiculously brilliant (crazy) and talented artists... but I've dated enough of them to know that the characteristics that might draw me to them are also the characteristics that make them less than good FOR me.

I've rather recently realized that I would rather spend my time with someone who can make me laugh til my tummy hurts and tears are rolling down my cheeks -- ideally the love of life would be able to explain the history of the Bauhaus to me AND share my love for jumping in puddles -- but the latter means more to me these days.

Sorry -- I digress. Again.

The settling thing also doesn't really make sense to me because -- in all honesty -- I'm not looking for a husband. I'm not sure I ever was. I cannot SEE myself as a married person. At some point in my mid-20s... I think after the break up of a five year relationship that everyone (except, apparently, my ex-boyfriend) thought was headed for the alter --- I just sort of stopped thinking about it. Part of me truly believes it's not meant for me. But a deeper truth might be that -- until very recently -- I have never met anyone that I could see myself being with... in that partnership... forever.

Anyaways --- back to the article. The thing that got to me in the piece was not so much what the author has to say about settling -- but how she talks about her choice to become a single mother. I've written about that here before -- about how my Plan B (the one involving frosty vials of sperm imported from San Francisco) has become my Plan A. I would like to have a baby, I would like to be a mother -- these things have always been true for me. And through my early 30s -- when it became apparent that "Mr. Even Close to the Perfect Ball Park" might not live in the same hemisphere as me -- I embraced the idea of just doing it on my own. I was proud of my decision to move forward with motherhood, despite the lack of a husband. I sat with my family and explained my choices, defended them! I did the research on banks, read books about raising a child alone and set a time frame -- if I was still on my own at 36, I'd make the call and get that little baby ball rollin'!

But 36 came... and 36 went... and I did nothing. But, but, but.... last year was INSANE! I was just getting settled in Omaha! And then I lost my job! And then -- then I opened the store! And now -- well, now I don't have health insurance, or a salary! I can't have a baby right now.... right? Right?!

That's what I told myself during the last days of my 36th year -- when I started having some serious doubts about this single mommyhood thing. But, even tho all of those things factor into my doubts -- they aren't the real reason I've begun to reconsider the path I was on.

Last year was the year when it felt like everyone I knew started having babies. I have six friend who either had a baby last year or got pregnant and are having babies ummm... right now (literally, I think my friend Jill is being induced -- right now). I spent most of last summer surrounded by babies and toddlers -- loving every minute of it... but, at the same time, it was making me see what having a baby is really like.

It's not a full time job -- it's like three full time jobs. It's sickness and doubts and great big joys. It's living on two hours of sleep and being terrified of every bump and bruise and fever. It's expensive and overwhelming and wonderful all at the same time. It's lots of really good thing, and some hard things and some things I can't even understand right now.... but all of those things are things I'm not sure I want to go through alone.

Yeah -- I know... my friends all say that they'll be there for me. But they won't be there with me. There's a difference. I know that I could get through all of that on my own -- but I'm not 100% sure that I want to -- and it's a strange place for me to be -- because before this baby boom in my life, I didn't have any of these doubts. For the first time, I'm admitting to myself that I would like someone to be there WITH me... not a husband, but a partner -- someone to stand beside me and experience all these things, bear witness to them and well, help me.

So reading Lori's article this morning touched a nerve. There's something about the underlying hopelessness in that article that really bothered me. I doubt she regrets having her son -- but, you know -- she doesn't sound super psyched about it either!

I grew up without grandparents and cousins and in some (super complicated way too big to get into right now) ways, at times -- I grew up without parents. Over the years, I made my own family out of friends and their families and mixed them together with the one I had to make this great big wonderful family. I know my child would inherit that... "uncles" and "aunts" from one coast to the other... a big brilliant talented family -- it would be amazing and I want that. But suddenly, I also see the importance of fathers... of knowing who you are and where you came from... and well -- my Plan B makes that a little tricky.

I grew up with a father in my home (sometimes) but he wasn't ever really a DAD. I have very few memories of interacting positively with my father as a child.... and I see its effects in my life and in my siblings'. I know there are millions of functional kids running around without fathers -- but I would want, very badly, for my child to have positive male role models. I just don't want to "borrow" a father for my child... does that make sense? Sometimes, when things happen at the house that I need help with -- I "borrow" Lincoln or Bill or Tim... other women's husbands -- and it makes me feel this overwhelming sadness -- the idea of having to do that for my child... that just makes my heart hurt a little bit. Two years ago -- I didn't feel this way -- but now I do.

I've been feeling really torn about all of this lately. My desire to be a mom hasn't exactly lessened, it's just .... changed. A lot. I realize that if I move ahead with my little Plan B (38 has become the new 36) that I would probably move to Kansas City. I have great support here -- I know that -- but I have GREAT SUPPORT there. And the idea of my child growing up a few miles away from the child(ren) of my very best childhood friend makes me smile lots.

I dunno... as I learned in 2007 -- A LOT can change in a year... like, well, everything. Anything can happen between now and the end of my 38th year... but I've started thinking/plotting/planning ahead a bit... I guess... sorting some stuff out.

Lordie -- that was quite the rant. I guess it's just been on my mind a lot these days -- and that article brought it all tumbling out this morning. Sorry about all that.

Let's move on -- shall we? Some other Big O! tidbits...

Yesterday was *wonderful* at the gallery. I sold FOUR more pieces from the show -- which is amazing to have happen this late in it's run. I'm sort of sad that this show comes down next week, excited about the next one -- but this show was a huge set of firsts for me, and I'll miss it.

I got to have a nice long chat with the Object of My Undying & Overwhelming Affection -- which completely made my evening. I know I need to dedicate a post to this sitch soon... I'm just not sure how to talk about it yet. Sorry...

Then, last night -- I went to the Obama rally/concert at the Slowdown -- Bright Eyes, M. Ward and a surprise appearance by Jim James... a really great night of music. AND on my way out the door at the end of the night -- who should be standing there but the gorgeous guy from yesterday! HA! He told me that he really loved the card he bought at the store and I was squeezing my friend Elle's arm so tightly she must have thought I was crazy. What a strange (yummy) coincidence!

This weekend --- I'm hitting the caucus tomorrow morning and then speaking at The Bemis as part of this panel on Building a Creative Community -- which I'm trying not to be nervous about. And tomorrow night, Daniel Johnston's playing at the Slowdown -- I think it's going to be a great show & a good weekend -- I'm really looking forward to it.

Gobsmacked!

2008-02-07T12:29:00.000-06:00

Okay --- I know this is silly -- but I'm beside myself right now.... the HOTTEST man I have ever layed eyes on during my time here in Omaha just walked into the store -- I mean hot like can'tcatchyourbreathjustcrossyourlegsandtrytoremaincalm hot. I couldn't even look at him -- I just started blushing when he walked in the door. Strawberry-blonde hair, close-cropped beard, light blue eyes ---- he was wearing these snowsuit overall thingies and no coat -- and he was walking -- which means he might just maybe work/live in the 'hood (?!??!) He asked me a question and I could barely form words. Insane!

Jeez-o-Petes -- Who was that knit-capped man?!?! Whoever he was --- he just made my entire fuckin' week!!!

*whew* Kids, mamma needs a cold shower.

KC, Chocolate Cake and a Case of Cow Girl Blues

2008-01-29T12:15:00.000-06:00

It is a fuckin' MISERABLE morning here in Omaha -- 5˚ with ridiculous winds blowing snow everywhere... and not those nice fluffy flakes -- nope, these are like little hard razor snowflakes that hurt like hell when they hit your face at 30 mph. This is a stay in bed and cuddle under the covers kinda morning if there ever was one...

I think it wouldn't feel so bad today if I hadn't spent most of the day on Sunday down in Kansas City where it was 60˚ and gorgeous. I had coffee outside with Colin at Broadway and drove through the city with my windows down... heavenly!

I took Christy down to KC for the day to celebrate my beautiful Sofia's first birthday with Maria and the family. I cannot believe a whole year has past since she got here. She is the MOST amazing little girl -- super sweet and wonderful -- walking like nobody's business... my heart just feels like it's gonna burst, I love her so much. Her birthday was tons of fun... I made her a chocolate cake -- which she grabbed handfuls of frosting off of and then fed to me. The best! I also got to meet my friend DeAnna's new little girl, Isadora -- who was so damn cute she made my uterus ache. I'm caught in the midst of this odd baby battle with myself -- but that's a rant for another post...

I had the best time on Sunday -- just hanging at Maria's with family and friends. I hate leaving Kansas City... that feeling seems to get stronger within me every time I go there. I really love the city and being with Maria... and everytime I get back on I-29 and head north -- this voice inside keeps wondering why I'm leaving and -- well, lately that voice seems to be getting louder.

Anyways -- the weekend was great... Christy left for Seattle yesterday morning at an ungodly 5:30am... it was great having her here -- but I was having a complicated time of things last week and and kinda happy to have some time to myself for a bit to sort things out. I was feeling blue yesterday... I feel very far away from my family right now, and wish I was closer -- which contradicts my wanting to be closer to Maria in Kansas City -- and all of that battles with what I'm trying to accomplish here.

So yesterday was about all of that -- some financial concerns (I'm gonna need to get a roommate soon -- and I really, REALLY, REALLY DO NOT want one) and the fact that my heart has pretty much told my head to fuck off -- it wants what it wants and that's all there is to it -- which all added up to a blue all-I-wanna-do-is-go-to-bed-and-hide kinda day. I was a misty-eyed mess all day at the shop... but today's been a much better day.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have to deal with the stuff that's bothering me -- the money issues AND the man -- sooner rather than later before they both make me batshit. The whole location thing is a mute point for at least another 12 months... I am where I need to be right now... and if I turn on the bright lights and take a good hard look at what I'm feeling, I know that the wanting to leave bit is tied to the other things. When the going gets tough -- Brigitte likes to get going... *grin* It's not tough right now -- just complicated -- and I can tackle that.... I think.

Anyways ---- that was a rather longwinded way of saying that yesterday sucked ass -- but today is a lot better. I may be hitting some of you up for advice on the money stuff -- and others for advice on the man -- and Maria, you'll prolly have to deal with both of them... but I'll get it sorted out. Sooner or later, it'll all make sense again. Right? Right.
....................
SideNote: Okay ---- no jokes from the East Coasters (Paul... that would be you) -- but guess what I got the other day at the thrift store?!?!

COWBOY BOOTS!! HA! It's official, kids -- I'm a Nebraskan! I found these bad boys last week -- they're a little big on me, but in *perfect* condition and they only cost me $9!! I could NOT just leave them there.... and even tho I got the giggles when I put them on this morning -- I really kinda love them!

SideNotes (Now with Wings!)

2008-01-25T13:10:00.000-06:00

I was talking to a customer when I notice these four kids (two guys, two girls) walk out of Jake's, the bar across the street from my space. I'm calling them that because not one of them looked old enough to be coming out of a bar.... after standing on the sidewalk having what looked like a very serious confab -- they cross over and come into the store -- one of the girls said "hi" loud enough to make the woman at the counter jump.

They surround the cash stand - and I am hit in the face with the STRONGEST wave of drink stink that I've smelled in a LONG ass time... you know that "I've been on a bender for about a week and might change my clothes/shower once it ends... about a week from now" kinda smell? My chat with them went a little something like this:

Guy A: So -- you havin' a good day?
Me: Been okay so far....
Guy A: Well, it's about to get better -- we've got some Red Bull for you!
Me: Oh -- ummm.... no thank you.
Guy B: It's free!
Me: No, thank you.
Guy A: What? but it's like --- 100% free!! We're just gonna leave you a few cans -- ok?
Me: No, thank you -- I don't really like it.
Girl A: It must make her shaky. Does it make you shaky? Some people can't take it -- freaks 'em out and makes 'em shake.
Me: No -- actually, I don't like the way it tastes. I think it's like drinking cough syrup that's gone bad.
(communal blank stares and a full minute of silence)
Girl B: You don't like the taste? Like outta the can? Have you tried it with vodka? You gotta drink it with vodka!

They then spent 10 minutes tried to convince me that I needed to host a party in the gallery -- where all of the art is made out of old Red Bull cans (even after I explained TWICE that the art needed to be made out of paper or wood). Apparently this was a huge hit in Chicago... and they would -- OF COURSE -- give me all the free Red Bull I'd need for the bar... as long as I postered all the walls and windows in the space with their logo.

I mean -- hell, it sounds like a sure fire money maker to me! I mean -- seriously... who wouldn't be chompin' at the bit to get their hands on... well, ANYTHING they're showing in the gallery on their site. Oh -- just for the record "The Twins: Needa and Hada Red Bull" is my personal favorite...

..........

That emergency light I mentioned going off in the car in an earlier post? Well, I decided that it needed to be dealt with because the car's been driving really oddly over the past few days. I took it to the dealership (at 8am this morning) and they told me something called an Oxygen Sensor had died. I remembered that the last time the car went in -- it was because of a bad Oxygen Sensor and asked about a warranty or something and was told that the one I had fixed was on the front -- but this one was on the back of the car -- or something, whatever -- it cost $300 to fix.

I had resigned myself to the fact that I would not be eating for the next month when they called back and told me that they were wrong -- it WAS the same one! So they fixed it --- for FREE!!!! So all I'm out is a couple hours of sleep!!!

This day is turnin' out to be AMAZING!!! Now -- if I could just sell another piece of art... or ummm..... a card -- it would be damn near perfect!

Seein' Spots

2008-01-25T12:12:00.000-06:00

It's official.

We've finally reached that magical time of year when the last bit of whatever color I managed to pick up over the summer (usually acquired through the hours I spent each week trying to tame my yard) finally fades away leaving me this over-milked coffee color. I'm a completely different color than I was two months ago. By February... I'll be glowing in the dark. I'm really not kidding -- my father's genes may rule the summer months, but come January -- this skin I'm in is ALL about my mother.

The reason I'm mentioning this is because I think I may be growing more freckles (who said age spots?!?)... is that possible? I never really paid attention to them. In the summer, I feel like they aren't really all that visible, but over the past few weeks -- I feel like they're all I see when I look in the mirror. There's one on my nose that -- for the life of me -- I can't recall being there before I noticed it last month. And my right cheek just seems covered with them... how did I not notice this before?

This would be one of those moments where I wish I had a companion that I could turn to and say "Honey? Am I getting spottier?" At which point they would wax poetically about my dots while giving each one a tiny kiss........ *sigh* Tiny cheek kisses...... I remember those....... What? Oh -- sorry... I digress.

Anyways --- I'm trying to embrace my new found spots, and milky paleness... I've put my yellow shirts away for the season (oh -- trust me -- it's for the best) and am avoiding all the overhead fluorescent lighting I can. I tried to photograph said freckles for you -- but ummmm........ the flash just made me glow brighter than a million lightening bugs -- so you just get this shot where you can't really see them at all.

What you CAN see in this photo is that my hair's growing back in all its glory -- and you know what that means... 24/7 twisting --- AaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaaaaaAaaw yeeeeeaaah! Since the moment I could get a chunk of it wrapped around my finger -- I've been at it with both hands again. God bless the OCD -- and bless the ODB while you're at it.

Happiness Is: Great Press!

2008-01-24T16:45:00.000-06:00

So this *completely* made my day today:
http://www.omahacityweekly.com

.... I'm just thrilled and honored and overwhelmed by how wonderfully this show has been received. It's the first show I've ever curated -- in my life -- and it's been getting such great buzz... it's inspiring great conversations -- it's doing what I dreamed the space would do and I'm so very happy.

This article made the fact that the emergency light keeps coming on in my car seem like the tiniest deal... ditto for the fact that it's like 5˚outside ... and for the discovery at ummm... 8pm last night that I had to pay my sales tax to the great state of Nebraska -- by today (I REALLY REALLY need to get organized).

It's super good -- like salt caramels from Frans in Seattle good -- I'm so proud of this show... and it's so super wonderful for the artists and the gallery that people are excited about the work.

I'm sOoOOoOooOOoo happy, happy, HAPPY!

The Week in Review... with Photos!

2008-01-23T14:55:00.000-06:00

I swear.... time seems to be sliding past me in great big gobs these days. I'm sorry a whole week has past since I was last able to write -- but ugh... what a week it was!

Wednesday: The brilliant Joey Lynch and I hung the show at the space -- it came together better than I ever imagined it was going to. The work looks wonderful together -- the art is amazing and I'm still a bit blown away that I put it together. There are some shots of it all at the bottom of this post. My friend Christy arrived from from Seattle that night -- she's here til next week... it's been great spending time with her, but our chats make me miss the NW very much.

Thursday was a blur of getting ready for...

Friday: The opening was AMAZING. It was -- in all honesty -- 4˚ here on Friday night -- but the space was packed solid throughout the entire evening. People were so excited about the work -- it was wonderful to just walk around and listen to the different discussions that were taking place. The response was beyond anything that I'd expected. I sold six pieces of work and have lots of interest in several others -- it was a great night for the artists and for the gallery.

I'm still not super comfy during the openings -- I'm never sure what to do with myself and they make me nervous... all I really want to do is hide in the stockroom and drink... but I don't -- well, not for the whole night, anyways.

Saturday to Monday: Caught a great opening at the Bemis Underground -- the last in the series that Joey was curating. Caught The Savages at Filmstreams (loved it), caught Rob Gilmer's opening at the RNG Gallery -- and had a great brunch at Dixie Quicks on Sunday. Made a birthday cake for the lovely Katy McEvoy, did some serious thrift store shopping -- and I was closed on Monday for MLK day -- the banks, schools and I are apparently the only folks that observe that little holiday here.

This week's just been spent regrouping from last week -- I've been doing lots of interviews (another thing I can't get used to -- the photo shoots are like torture sessions)... an article about the space came out last week in the Midlands Business Journal -- which, when I gave the interview, I didn't think many people read -- but ummm -- I was wrong about that one, apparently it's a biggie here and I've been getting lots of new visitors since the issue came out.

I've also been trying to entertain Christy a bit -- which ummmm -- is NOT an easy thing to do in the middle of winter in Omaha.

Personally -- I'm okay. Had a really crazy thing happen this weekend -- which I can't really go into here. Things are fine... but I've been a little freaked out and overwhelmed, I guess.

And -- I've decided to try and sell my heart on eBay. I'm tired of it. I want a new one. This one's defective, it falls madly in love with things/people/places that it cannot have and I'm just over it. I think it would make a lovely vase, or paperweight, or door jam.... but it sucks ass as a heart. I'm having a really hard time reeling in my feelings for someone that I really need to not be feeling this intensely about ---- I'm kinda at a loss for how to make that happen, and it's been wearing on me..... quite a lot.

But, all in all -- I'm good, the shop is good, Omaha is fucking outta control freezing -- but I get to eat steak at Johnny's tonight... which means that everything is right with the world.

More or less.

Anyways -- here are some shots of the work in the gallery... I'll write again sooner rather than later -- I promise....

All I Have to Say Is....

2008-01-15T16:20:00.001-06:00

... I need a clone.
A healthy one -- that's slightly more organized than the original. That's it.

Sadly -- I actually have LOTS more to say, I've been itching to write for days -- but this is all I have TIME to say this week. I'll try to post again after the opening on Friday.

Meanwhile... if you're in the 'hood on Friday night -- I hope to see you here:

Pulp presents Paper Dolls
Wall-to-Wall Work by Women
January 18th to February 13th
Artists' Reception:
Friday, January 18th
7pm to 10pm

Pulp is pleased to present "Paper Dolls" -- a group show featuring work from more than 20 local and national artists. This exhibition is a celebration of the 10th anniversary of VDAY - a global organization dedicated to ending violence against women and girls. A portion of the proceeds from the work sold during the show will be given to VDAY, and donations for several local women's charities will be collected during the artists' reception.
For more information on VDAY, please visit www.vday.org.

This exhibition will bring together a wide range of talented contemporary painters, print makers, sculptors and photographers, including works by:

Jite Agbro • Claudia Alvarez • Caitlin Applegate • Courtney Blazon • Jennilie Brewster • Meghan Boylan • Nicole Cawlfield • Merrilee Challiss • Jenna Colby • Dana Damewood • Rebecca Dolan • Rachel Epp Buller • Wanda Ewing • Allyson Gibbs • Peggy Gomez • Christina Graf • Shauna Haider • Elizabeth Huey • Olivia Jeffries • Mindy Kober • Karen Kunc • Jessica Levy • Natalie Linstrom • Jessica McCourt • Bonnie O'Connell • Darci Pressnall • Jill Rizzo • DeAnna Skedel • Kate Taucreti

Oh -- and for those of you with money on how my Sunday rolled, I made it to Kansas City and to the benefit concert that night. NOTHING else got done. I officially have nothing in my fridge but butter and beer... which sounds a helluva lot nicer than it actually is. Believe me.

Oh (part II) -- and the image above is called Uneasy by the very lovely and talented Olivia Jeffries.

Ugh.

2008-01-12T16:48:00.000-06:00

This week... well, it's kinda been sucking. Hard.

I've been hella sick since Sunday... this strange chest/head nightmare that gave me a migrane so bad on Tuesday that I almost started weeping at the drugstore. I'm feeling quiet a bit better today... but I seem to be full of this neverending supply of goo, in my lungs, in my head -- and I'm truly ready to be done with it all.

I've been trying NOT to complain about it tho -- my body had the kindness to wait til *after* the work was done on the store and the opening was through before it decided to shut down for a bit -- so fair's fair. This little brush with the flu HAS been a not so friendly reminder that I need to sort out my health insurance situation -- asap. I like doctors and drugs... it sucks knowing that I can't really afford either if I really needed them right now.

Besides the sickness... it was INSANELY slow at the shop this week. I kept bracing myself for a day with no sales -- but somehow, by 7pm each day, I was able to close with at least one. Everyone warned me that January would be brutal -- and boy, was that ever an understatement! It's scary as all hell when no one comes in for hours and hours... but I'm not panicking (yet?) Hopefully things will pick up a bit towards the end of the month. My sweetest Evan was suggesting that there be a PulpCam for the store -- if there had been one this week -- it would have shown my basically lying on my desk among piles of tissues while crickets chirped in the background. Not cute, guys --- not cute at all.

In addition to sickness and slow business, my first generation iPod -- which I've had for almost 7 years -- died. This was HUGE. It's the music-maker for the store, I came in the other day and turned it on and it made this horrible clunking noise and nothing more. I know... I know... it lasted longer than a lot of marriages -- but I'm really sad to lose it!

That.... and the strap broke on my favorite bra.

I've basically just been sleeping for 12 hours and working for the other 12... It's just NOT been a good week -- hopefully next week will be better.

I'm pretty sure it will be -- my friend Christy is coming from Seattle for a bit -- and the new show that opens in the gallery next Friday is shaping up to be grand. It's a group show, all work by women, and it will be a benefit for VDay -- an organization I love. I'll also be collecting donations for a few local women-centered charities during the opening... I think it's going to be a great night.

Anywho... Tomorrow is Sunday -- my day off.... I have to get up at 6:30am and drive to Kansas City to pick up some work for the show, come by the store and set up the Valentine's Day displays, poster most of Omaha, clean my house, buy some groceries, tackle the pile of mail that's overtaking my coffee table, ummm "rest" so that I can get better and go to the Octopus Garden benefit concert at the Waiting Room.

Yeeeeeaaaaaah.

Place your bets on how much of that's *actually* gonna happen and I'll give you the scoop on Monday.

Rants and Resolutions

2008-01-05T17:02:00.000-06:00

This week turned out to be pretty wonderful all the way around....

Things at the shop were creepy slow... CREEPY slow at the beginning of the week, but the past couple of days have been great. I really need to grasp the fact that it's not always gonna be like the first week and not start to panic when it's silent all morning. I'm blaming it on post-holiday blahs, but this week also brought in more than my fair share of highly opinionated women.... I've been averaging one a day -- which is completely manageable -- but I'm still grinding my teeth when they talk to me.

... referring to the gun toting boy in Joey's artwork: "I think that mural over there is offensive and I certainly hope it's not always gonna be there"
... referring to a book of nude female self-portaits in the bookcase: "You really should put these sorts of things higher up -- or have them behind the desk. I don't understand why you have this here."
... referring to the gallery in general: "My, this seems like an awful waste of good space."
... referring to umm -- everything: "Well, I hope this works for you -- I mean, it's going to be hard to sell this stuff all the time, don'tcha think?"

Riiiiiiiiiiight. The little old ladies of Benson have spoken.

Anywho --- besides all that positive energy, the week really was great. I got flowers from my beloved Tara & Stuart, who will be here ever so soon for a visit and show at the Bemis, and I can barely wait. I also got flowers from a new friend I made today... such wonderful surprises! I caught an odd concert down at the Goofy Foot with my friend Jake, I celebrated Wanda's birthday last night with a slightly odder evening of nonstop talk of The Family Guy -- a show which I had never seen until last night. And tonight I'm headed down to The Bemis to catch the first of three shows that Joey's helping to curate in the Underground -- which I'm *very* excited about. It's been a great week!

And... I've been thinking a lot about resolutions this week... I mean, tis the season and all. I know I'm gonna regret this at some point, but here are my "goals" for this year:

1) conquer a fear (or ummm five) - this is a biggie, and I think I know how it's gonna happen, but I'm not quite ready to chat about that just yet (patience... patience...)

2) make a difference - I've been all talk and no action for a little too long... I need to volunteer more, become more involved in my community, locally & globally.

3) pratice more random acts of kindness - 'nough said.

Okay -- I'm off.... ta!

In the Midnight Hour

2008-01-02T16:44:00.000-06:00

So... my New Year's Eve this year was like a much more intimate mini-me version of the way I started 2007. Last year, I had a HUGE party at the house... I made tons of food, there was dancing and debauchery and it was wonderful. This year -- I had a tiny party at the house, I made tons of food, there was dancing and debauchery and it was *wonderful*.

I started the new year hosting a little dinner party at the house. I made my very first pot roast -- and it turned out to be a rather tasty adventure! My friend Katy had asked me to make dinner -- one that would somehow involve my making mac & cheese, because it's, apparently, her favorite thing I make. She's a little addicted. So there was pot roast, mashed potatoes, caramelized onions, corn bread muffins with black-eyed peas, collard greens .... and mac & cheese. For dessert -- I made chocolate cake and homemade toasted coconut ice cream -- which just might be my new favorite-est thing!

The night was perfect -- good friends at the table, a kiss at midnight from my friend, Steve, lots of laughter (I had ice cream for breakfast, skipped lunch and started drinking at ummm... 3pm -- so, yeah -- LOTS of laughter) and then a raging six person dance party that lasted til well after 3am. Oh, and Colin came up for a visit -- and it was really great to see him. It was just a perfect night -- I drank champagne with friends and danced til I couldn't breathe in my living room. Perfect.

A few weeks ago, I had kinda decided to stop writing here at the end of last year. I felt like maybe it was a experiment that had ruin it's course for me..... but over the past few days, I've begun to second guess that, so I'm going to continue ranting here. It really does help me sort things out -- all this writing... I feel like it's good for something -- I'm just 100% sure what that might be tho, just yet.

*shrug* Anyways --- it looks like you're stuck with me for a bit longer.

Today's been super quiet at the store... I've been trying to prepare myself for this post-holiday dry spell... but it still gives me the willies when no one comes in for hours. I spent most of the afternoon catching up on email and ummmm...... reading my horoscope.

It's actually VERY interesting! I never really paid much attention to them before last year -- when it suddenly began to read like a playbook for my life. It's strange to look back and see how closely the end of 2007 mirrored what the stars had predicted would happen.

I've been trying to take this bit to heart today:
"In regard to relationships, the year could start off on a difficult note. Pluto in Sagittarius will be opposed to Mars in Gemini, a rather explosive, domineering aspect. You are likely to be taken back by the difficult impasse you find you find yourself in, but you need to make sure you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater on this incident. There is some danger that you would come on too strong and lose the relationship altogether."

I haven't really chatted about much besides the shop lately.... but my heart is tied up in a humdinger of a sitch these days. It's like the mother of all crushes, on meth, after drinking a dozen cans of red bull and there may be some steroids involved. We're talking all-consuming here... but -- as is always the case with my defective little heart -- it's also super complicated, not really possible to pursue and something I've been trying really hard to just get over... but um... that's not really working very well. I had briefly considered trying to talk this out with the person involved -- but that bit of advice from good ol' Ms. Miller made me think twice. I think I'm just gonna sit tight and continue to remind myself of all the very valid reasons that I need to be good and squash this thing.

*sigh*

But for the record............. I'm just a wee bit tired of *always* being such a good girl.

Know what I mean?

Happy New Year!!!

2007-12-31T12:18:00.000-06:00

I kinda can't believe today is New Year's Eve.... This month's just blown right by me!

The past two weeks have been beyond amazing for me. I didn't make it home for the holiday -- but spent it with my "Omaha families" (The McCarthys & Yambors) and had a great time. The shop has been doing so, *so* well. Everyone who walks in loves the space and the stock... everyone's been super supportive and kind. It's better than I ever thought it could be....

.... and it's just the beginning.

*grin*

This year's been a doozy for me. My horoscope said that it was going to be the best year ever.... and even though parts of it were straight up hellish -- in the end, I think it may have been right.

For everything I lost this year... I gained things back that are a million times greater. I've learned SO MUCH this year -- about life and love and most importantly about ME -- about what I want and who I am and what I'm capable of. All in all -- I think that's been the best bit of all.

I keep thinking about where I was 365 days ago... still working for Teen People... the shop was nothing but scribbles in my notebook... everything in my life has flipped since then...

I truly believe that 2008 is going to be stellar -- not just for me and the shop -- but for everyone... I feel like this year's been about doing the prep work -- you know... it's been about getting ready --- and now, it's go time.

So.... I just wanna wish everyone out there a very happy new year. I hope that all of your wishes come true -- that all of your days are filled with happiness and love. I want to thank you for all the kindness and support you've shown me -- for coming here to read my little rants. I'm looking forward to sharing all of the adventures 2008 may hold for me with you. I think a few of them are gonna be down right brilliant

Happy New Year everyone ---- and so much love to you & yours!

The Best Birthday Ever!

2007-12-19T14:31:00.000-06:00

I turned 37 yesterday.

Thirty-seven.... It doesn't roll off the tongue nicely, but I have a feeling this year is going to be one of the greatest of my life.

I had the best day ever yesterday... it was a perfect birthday in *every* sense. The night before, I was feeling kinda blue and decided that I wasn't going to do anything to celebrate the day. Most people forget my birthday -- it's a crazy time of year... and I just didn't want to bother reminding people about it this year. I woke up yesterday and realized I have a shit ton to celebrate right now and claimed the day for myself.

In the morning: I had breakfast with my lovely friend, Jessica... I had great customers -- all day long, I'm meeting such wonderful people here.

The afternoon: Another lovely friend, Elle, brought me lunch. I got a visit from Dan and his mother, Nancy -- whom I just adore completely. I got a visit from Chad... we sat on the floor and talked for a bit -- it brightens my day the minute he walks through the door. I got flowers from my sister and friend Stefanie... and then Dan came back and gave me a refrigerator for the break room (!!!) -- which will *always* be well-stocked with beer for afternoon visitors.

That night: I had supper with Katy and Tim at Ms Pub, downtown... and a barbershop quartet that was singing Christmas carols came over and sang "Happy Birthday" to me -- which was truly mind blowing! I ended the night at The Brothers -- downing shots of whiskey, surrounded by people I love.

I am so HAPPY right now... this week has been brilliant, filled with great and beautiful things. I feel like everything in the world is just lining up for me... I can't explain the joy I've been feeling.

I'm just so completely blessed right now... in every sense of the word.

Pride.

2007-12-19T13:53:00.000-06:00

Hi.... remember me?

I don't even know how to begin to explain what the past three weeks of my life have been like... too much has happened. I can say -- in all honesty -- that I am a different person today than I was 18 days ago... wiser and stronger and better than I ever thought I could be.

Where to begin? The contractors left the space on December 1st -- so I had about 14 days to turn it around... they didn't finish a lot of the drywall, I didn't have heat until the 13th, I had to lay the floor and build a couple of walls and paint and -- well, everything.

This is what it looked like on December 1st:

I basically lived at the space for two weeks -- going home for four hours of sleep and a shower. I found the most amazing man in the world, Chad Bellows, who came in after working 8 hours on other construction jobs to help me. He taught me how to finish drywall, he built walls for me, taught me how to lay a floor, helped me finish all the trim, made me laugh every day and honestly made my dream come true. I NEVER would have been able to make this happen without him.

They were the hardest two weeks of my life --- I cried every day, mostly out of stress and exhaustion. I fell apart physically... I hurt my right arm while painting, some sort of repetitive stress thing, and I could make a fist for weeks -- every time I tried to use it -- I'd have these awful sharp pains. My knuckles and lips cracked and bled because of the joint compound dust from sanding the walls. I burst a blood vessel in my eye (cuteness!) I am still covered in bruises and cuts that I can't remember getting.

It was a nightmare. But I made things happen... I made things happen that I'm still in fucking awe of. I learned so much -- that I am capable of some SERIOUS shit... that I'm stronger than I ever thought possible. I learned a few things about friendship and love... I didn't get support from places I expected to get it from... but people who were almost strangers to me three weeks ago stood by my side and propped me up when I couldn't stand on my own anymore.

And I got it done.

The opening on Saturday was -- hands down -- the best night of my life. The space was packed, wall-to-wall people all night long... and everyone loved it. They loved the space and the stock and the art... they were excited about every little thing and it made it all -- every stress, every tear and hurt SO COMPLETELY worth it!!! I have never been so proud of anything in my life as I am of this space. Great things are going to happen here... great, great things.

This is the beginning of something amazing. I don't expect things to ever be easy -- you know? But I've gotten this far and I'm still standing.... if I could do this -- I can do anything:

Go Time

2007-12-05T22:17:00.000-06:00

It feels like years have passed since I've been able to write here... I've missed it.

I just wanted to drop a quick note to let people know I'm all right, today was a crazy day here in Omaha, but I'm safe and sound-ish...

I've been super silent lately because I've basically been living in my shop space. Pulp will be open on December 15th --- 10 days from now, this thing that I've been working on for the past 2 years will finally be up and running... I can't really believe this is all happening.

I have never been so tired, scared and worn out in my life. In the past five days, I've worked an average of 16 hours a day at the space, I've built walls, learned to mud drywall like nobody's business, I've painted the entire space -- basically all by myself. I've been fighting with the property manager -- PJ Morgan is sOoOooO on my shit list... but that's a story for another day -- in a nutshell, I don't have heat, in December, in Om-a-fuckin'-ha. But they gave me a space heater -- so it's all good. Right? Riiiight.

In the past five days, I've managed to do some sort of damage (the painting, I think) to my right arm -- so I can't really close my hand or lift my arm above my head anymore. Sanding the dry wall ate thru my hands before I was brilliant enough to put on gloves ---- so my knuckles are cracked and bleeding. On top of that, I somehow managed to have a blood vessel in my eye explode, so it was filled with blood for three days (cute!). I'm a mess. I'm so dirty that even after I get out of the shower, I still have stuff in my hair... it's horrible.

But I'm getting it done. The space looks *amazing* -- Joey's work is beyond great and the opening is going to be the event of the month -- hands down. We're planning an after party in the 'hood --- I CANNOT WAIT to just drink and dance and celebrate. This is the biggest moment of my life... It all happening ---- right now.

I'm not going to be able to write again before I open --- I truly hope that if you live in Omaha -- or anywhere near Omaha -- that you'll come down on the 15th, see the space and celebrate with me. I have learned so much in the past couple of weeks, about friendship and business and life -- but mainly about me and what I'm capable of -- and to be honest, it's blowing me away.

I hope to see you in the space, if not next Saturday -- then soon after. I'll post more later -- with photos... I promise.

xoxoxox............

..........................................................................................
New Work by Joey Lynch
Artist's Reception on Saturday, December 15th
from 7pm to 10pm w/ guest DJ Brent Crampton

Pulp Paper & Art
6114 Military Avenue
Omaha, Nebraska 68104

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